HOW TO LAST LONGER IN BED

A Practical New Approach for Men to Radically Transform Their Lovemaking

By

Nick Hudis MA, Dip CH, Dip T, CPNLP

Mentor and Sexuality Coach

How to Last Longer In Bed

A Practical New Approach for Men to Radically Transform Their Lovemaking

Copyright © 2017 by Nick Hudis

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Printed in the United Kingdom

First Printing, 2017

ISBN -13: 978-1546534228

ISBN – 10: 1546534229

www.nickhudis.com

Table of Contents

Foreword

SECTION 1

Chapter 1

Introduction

Chapter 2

Client Success Stories

Chapter 3

How to Use This Book

SECTION 2

Chapter 4

Get Control of Caveman

Chapter 5

Mastering Your Ejaculatory Cycle

Chapter 6

Reining in Your Inner Little Boy

Chapter 7

The Mind of Ejaculation

Chapter 8

Change Your Expectations about Sex

SECTION 3

Chapter 9

The Theatre of the Mind

SECTION 4

Chapter 10

Calm Body Calm Mind

Chapter 11

Wisdom from the ancient Chinese Master Lovers

SECTION 5

Chapter 12

Solo Practice Programme

Chapter 13

Gaining Ejaculatory Freedom with Your Partner

SECTION 6

Chapter 13

Summary

About Nick Hudis

Seeking Help

Foreword

This book could not have been written without the inspiration, support and advice of many people. I’d like to mention just a few of them.

My teachers in Taoist healing, martial and sexual arts: Sifu Raymond Towers, Master She Yu Hong, and Master Ma Bao Gou. Many years ago, Master Ma did my I Ching horoscope and predicted I would have three lovers and write many books. So far, life is proving him right!

My tantric teachers, particularly Shakti Malan, who, when I remarked that someone should do for men what her Female Sexual Awakening book did for women, said, “that’s your job, Nick”. This book is part of that commitment.

The teachers who I have only known through books and recordings. The spirit of such great men as Maxwell Maltz, Bernie Zeibergeld, Herb Goldberg, Robert Maurer and others runs through this book. I walk humbly in their footsteps.

The women who have blessed me with the gift of intimacy on this life journey of loving and learning.

The many men I have worked with as 1:1 clients and in groups and workshops. Your stories, your challenges and your commitment to grow and embody your fullness as men are a constant inspiration and lesson to me.

Last but not least, Kalyani Ma Mukti with whom I share so much and who came close to locking me in a room until I finished this book. Without her unconditional love and faith in me, this book would be no more than a few scribbled notes and an unfulfilled dream.

A Note to Gay Men

This book is written from a straight perspective. I write mainly from personal experience, and the only experience I have of sexual intimacy is as a straight man. I do not seek to be homocentric but in many long conversations with gay friends I have come to the conclusion that the assumption that many sexual educators make, that the dynamics of straight sexuality can be mapped directly onto gay sexuality, is false. Some things we have in common, some things are the unique gift of gay men. I would not presume to lecture you on something I have no personal experience of.

SECTION 1

INTRODUCTION

Chapter 1

Introduction

What You Can Learn From This Book

This short book teaches you exactly what you need to know and do to last longer in bed. It offers a proven step by step solution to premature ejaculation. It offers a way to be free from anxiety about ejaculation and have rock steady confidence sexually. It opens a gateway to great sex. It presents an approach that I call Ejaculatory Freedom. Ejaculatory freedom is just that, freedom, having choice about when, or if you ejaculate during love making.

This programme set out in this book is unique. You will not find anything else like it. Here is why:

• It places equal emphasis on creating a positive mind-set and developing advanced physical skill. Most other approaches are either psychotherapeutic or just rehash the old “stop-go” method beloved by sex therapists.

• It uses the same cutting edge coaching techniques I use with my 1:1 coaching clients to upgrade your mind-set and skills towards true confidence in bed.

• It goes beyond curing premature ejaculation and opens the door to true ejaculatory freedom and sexual mastery by simplifying techniques handed down from ancient Tantric and Taoist sex manuals and making them relevant and usable by you as a 21st century man.

• Everything in the programme has been “road tested” by me personally and by my clients. It works!

Is This Book For Me?

This book is right for you:

• If you have suffered long term with serious premature ejaculation to the point where it has interfered with your fulfilment in sex and relationships.

• If you have recently developed premature ejaculation and don’t understand why.

• If you have never lasted particularly long but would like to last longer.

• If you are feeling pressured by your partner to “do better” in bed.

• If you have a good sex life and good staying power but you’d like to be even better.

Be Honest, Are You Getting The Mind Blowing Sex You Long For?

OK let's get started right away. Imagine for a moment:

In two bedrooms, in two different towns two men are having sex with their partners.

For one it is a long pleasurable indulgent time which rises through several peaks of intensity until the time the couple are still, their entire bodies are tingling and alive and they feel as if they have melted into each other. Their lovemaking opens mind states that can only be described as transcendental.

For the other it is soon over, after a build-up there are a few quick thrusts and that’s it. The couple knows that they love and desire each other but neither is really satisfied. He feels that he is no good as a lover, or indeed as a man. She feels there are levels of pleasure and surrender she never reaches.

Why the difference?

Three Types of Tension That Can Ruin Your Sex Life

What is it about us men and sex? In my many years as a mentor to men and a sexuality counsellor, I have come to realise that one thing is absolutely clear. Sex matters to men. No, I mean really matters. We crave sex. We apparently think about sex every few minutes. We fantasise about sex. We do crazy and irresponsible things to get sex. We like to watch sex. We’ll pay for sex. Some men feel they can demand sex or even take it by force.

But, the reality is that for men, sex can be a source of unending tension. We are ruled by the three “Es”, the three sources of men’s sexual tension.

Enough . We worry about whether we are getting enough sex. We worry about whether other men are getting more sex than us and we measure our self-worth and our value as a man by our ability to get sex. We get distracted from our life goals by the feeling of sexual frustration to the point where getting enough sex usurps our goals and becomes our life purpose.

Erection . We worry about our erections. If we’ve ever had a “non-event” and increasingly as we age we worry about getting and staying hard. There can be a constant voice of tension in our head… what if I don’t get hard… am I hard? Mustn’t lose it now… Don’t go limp like last time! Sometimes too we worry about getting an erection in the wrong situation like when having a massage… Down boy! Down!

Ejaculation . We worry about ejaculation, or specifically, ejaculating too soon. I’ve worked with men who have given up on sex and relationships altogether out of fear of coming too soon. But for many other men there is constant tension about holding back. Ooo that was a bit strong… ease back… steady… I mustn’t come…. I mustn’t come… I… oh shit … Even if we last long enough to feel reasonably satisfied or to satisfy our partner, it so often feels like an effort.

Do you recognize the three Es in your life?

The Biggest Sexual Problem of All

This book is about the last of the E’s. If you are reading this book, you certainly have a desire to last longer during sex than you do currently. You are not alone:

• Premature ejaculation is the single most common issue dealt with by sex councillors.

• Lack of stamina is one of the most frequent complaints woman make about men sexually. Women often need time and prolonged stimulation to feel satisfied or reach orgasm.

• According to one statistic the average time men typically sustain penetrative sex is less than five minutes.

• According to another statistic the average time it takes a woman to reach vaginal orgasm during penetrative sex is 15-20 minutes.

• Men often overestimate how long they last.

• And after all, sex feels good, what man wouldn’t want to prolong the experience?

The medical term for an inability of a man to sustain penetrative sex is of course Premature Ejaculation . This is officially defined as:

“Premature ejaculation is a male sexual dysfunction characterized by ejaculation which always or nearly always occurs prior to or within about one minute of vaginal penetration; and, inability to delay ejaculation on all or nearly all vaginal penetrations; and, negative personal consequences, such as distress, bother, frustration, and/or the avoidance of sexual intimacy." (The International Society for Sexual Medicine, May 16, 2008).

This begs questions of how long is long enough? If one minute is not ok, is two minutes ok, or five, or ten?

To me the issue is much broader and more open ended. To me Premature Ejaculation is the specific situation where a man ejaculates, before, immediately or right after penetration so that neither partner experiences any meaningful sexual pleasure. I’ve worked successfully with many men in this situation, but it is not the whole story.

Even if you can sustain sex for longer: five minutes, fifteen minutes, or longer still are you able to do this in a way that is free from tension and effort? Are you able to relax completely into the moment during sex? Do you feel you have real choice about when or if you ejaculate? Is choice possible or is ejaculation out of your control?

My experience and that of my clients says yes, you can have choice.

From Premature Ejaculation, To Control, To Freedom!

The term premature ejaculation has a negative, failure oriented focus. It focuses our attention on what we are trying to get away from, not what we want.

A better term is ejaculatory control which at least implies you are in control, but control suggests effort and tension, as if there is a constant holding back. That is not so good. Great sex requires letting go, surrendering to the moment, not holding back.

The words I’ll use throughout this book, go one stage further. I’ll be talking about Ejaculatory Freedom . I’m talking about freedom to choose when you ejaculate and about being in a sexual situation free from tension about ejaculation.

Is Ejaculatory Freedom Possible?

Yes, Ejaculatory Freedom is completely possible and this book is based on the exact method I used to gain that freedom and the method I use with my 1:1 coaching clients.

How do I know? Well I’ve experienced all three states, PE, ejaculatory control and Ejaculatory Freedom.

Let Me Tell You My Story.

Ejaculatory Control

My earliest experiences were in fact with ejaculatory control . I was a late starter sexually. Being a painfully shy and inhibited teenager I didn’t lose my virginity until I was twenty. I loved my first real girlfriend dearly and there was a strong current of lust between us. But we slipped into love making almost by accident and neither of us raised the question of contraception. Our sex was unprotected.

Through many long nights of continuous love making - we once made love for about 24 hours with just brief breaks for the bathroom - I knew I simply mustn’t come. And I didn’t. I discovered through will power and various physical tricks, how to control my ejaculation.

In doing so I programmed a lot of mental and physical tension into my body which took deep psychological work later in life to release, but I also learned valuable lessons. The most important lesson I learned was that I could experience high levels of sexual pleasure, states of transcendental bliss and ecstasy without ejaculating. In other words ejaculation was not necessary for sexual pleasure and satisfaction. I learned not to fixate on ejaculation and that non-ejaculatory sex was possible and felt just as amazing as ejaculatory sex.

Premature Ejaculation

Later in another relationship, I began to experience serious premature ejaculation. My partner and I had a strong connection but our relationship was complicated by layers of emotional dependency, and incompatibility of expectations sexually. As a result sex was not good for us and I swung between erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation until we gave up on sex altogether.

The premature ejaculation was my body’s way of saying or telling me that things were not right in the relationship, but at the time, I didn’t have the emotional intelligence and maturity to listen to my body and simply lost my sexual confidence. For some years I retreated into myself, living in mixture of denial and fantasy.

Towards Ejaculatory Freedom

The path to ejaculatory freedom and renewed confidence came to me from an unexpected direction. I had developed an interest in the martial arts, and from my involvement with the Chinese martial art, tai chi chuan , I began to explore what the ancient Chinese Taoist philosophy had to say about sexuality.

According to Taoism, a man can achieve great power in life, abundant health and even spiritual awakening by withholding ejaculation and redirecting sexual energy up through his body in a whole body non-ejaculatory orgasm rather than releasing it through an ejaculation. Taoism says that a man can experience the highest levels of sexual pleasure by delaying or even avoiding ejaculation and it teaches clear systematic ways to do this.

This sounded weird to me and farfetched, but I was intrigued. It seemed to resonate with my experience with my first lover.

Through a long period, I studied and practiced the Taoist techniques under instruction from a Chinese master and from the few books that were available until I was competent with all the solo techniques and could experience an orgasm, in the sense of waves of pleasure, deep contractions in the body and a powerful feeling of letting go, but without a physical ejaculation. Eventually I found I could do this without any tension or effort.

Soon after this I also began to explore Tantra, the Indian philosophy of love, ecstasy and sacred sexuality and love. I worked with a number of leading teachers including Shakti Malan and Deborah Anapol to free myself of emotional blockages and open my body even more deeply to the flow of sexual energy. Undertaking this work, which at times was deeply challenging amplified my experience of sexual pleasure. One of the important lessons that tantra taught me was that the deepest satisfaction in sex came from the long dance of intimacy, sensuality and pleasure, rather than the brief firework of ejaculation.

I’m now nearly 60, I’m in excellent health for my age and have strong sexual energy. I’m in relationship with a beautiful and passionate younger woman, herself a “tantrika”, and we make love frequently. My choice is to ejaculate rarely during love making, may be once in 100 times. Our love making is prolonged, often for hours and intense. We experience states of bliss and intimacy that are truly transcendental. We are both deeply satisfied.

And these experiences had a wider impact on my life. They were pivotal in my journey from a successful, but unsatisfying career as a senior financial manager to fulfilling my soul purpose as a natural health consultant and ultimately a mentor to other men helping them to feel great, in and out of the bedroom, and of course, writing this book.

Yes But You Are Different….

One objection you might raise is that I am in some way special. You might argue that I have a natural ability, after all I am a sex coach and Taoist/Tantric adept. Let me say this, I do have an ability and so do you ! I have the same basic gene set as you, the same male body, the same brain structure and the same drives and instincts. Any and all men have the ability to gain ejaculatory freedom. If I can do it, if my clients can do it, so can you. Ultimately, it’s a matter of changing your mind-set and practicing to change old habits for new.

If you want to change your life you must change yourself – if you want to change yourself you must change your thinking (Confucius 6th century BCE)

Regardless of your current situation you can achieve a good level of ejaculatory freedom if you have:

• A clear goal as to what level of ejaculatory freedom you want.

• A burning desire to achieve that goal.

• A willingness to change your thinking and your habits.

• The commitment to stick at the programme in this book for at least three months.

• The self-discipline to actually do the practices.

Another Objection

You might feel that all this talk of sacred sexuality, multi-orgasm and withholding ejaculation is too farfetched. “ All I want ”, you say, “ is to last a bit longer ”.

I hear you, but I want you to know what is ultimately possible through ejaculatory freedom. I’m not telling my story to blow my own trumpet and show you what a stud I am! I just want you to know that I know what I am sharing in this book is for real. I’ve been there and so can you.

The techniques of ejaculatory freedom set out as a step by step method in this book will work for you whatever your goals:

• Overcome premature ejaculation

• Last longer

• Be a better lover

• Explore sacred sexuality.

It’s up to you. But I don’t want you to take only my word for it. In the next chapter I’m going to share with you the success stories of some men I have worked with. Although these men agreed to share their stories, I have changed names and a few details to protect their anonymity.

Chapter 2

Client Success Stories

Serious Premature Ejaculation

James had a bad experience in his teens with an older girl in which he came before he could even enter her. She viciously shamed him and told her friends. James was mortified with shame and felt ostracized from the social circle he moved in. He was convinced that he was “no good” and withdrew from going out with girls altogether, finding refuge in porn and masturbation.

When I met him he ran a successful retail niche record shop. He was in his early 30s and living a good life except for an enormous hole in life around sex and relationships. He had never tried to be intimate with a woman again. Now he desperately wanted a relationship and a family but he was terrified of being shamed again.

I worked with James on a three month coaching programme via Skype. We did a lot of work, healing and letting go of the emotional scars from the past. I gave him a step by step programme of exercises to work through that showed him that he could easily sustain 15-20 minutes of strong stimulation. A key part of the work was then to upgrade his confidence and skills around dating and giving him strategies to overcome his fear of being intimate with a woman.

Eventually James had the courage to start dating a woman he liked. Although it was scary, he had the courage to tell her his story. She was very understanding and sympathetic and really helped him feel he was safe. Once he had crossed his “Rubicon” and actually made love with her he rapidly gained confidence. Later they came to see me as couple, not because they had a problem, but because they wanted to learn how to enjoy their intimacy even more.

Back on Track

I asked Desmond to tell his own story.

“I’ve always been into sex and I find my wife, Laetitia devastatingly attractive, but with three children and running an online business together, we got in rut. Frequency of sex dropped off and when we did do it, both of us would be tired. The whole thing became rushed and routine.

I found I would be so tense and worked up when we did actually make love that I would come very quickly. I got into a headspace where I started worrying about this and that just made matters worse. I was feeling very down about it all.

Then I found Nick Hudis online and after reading a few of his articles and having a free coaching call with him, I took a chance and signed up for a three month one to one programme.

I couldn’t have made a better decision. Nick took me through a process he called “Your Conditions For Good Sex”. To be honest, despite loving sex, I had never thought about it in a mature clear-headed way and Nick made me do just that. I realised that Laetitia and I were side-lining our intimacy and not doing the things that made us comfortable and turned on. Nick talked in very practical terms about how we could refocus our priorities and create better quality intimate time together. Just making time together and doing the things we love made an immediate improvement in my staying power.

I found the practical exercises fun easy and enjoyable, particularly the partner exercises. We are now back on track sexually, perhaps better than ever and I’m keen to learn more about the higher level, being multi-orgasmic and transmuting sexual energy.”

She Wants More

Simon writes:

“I’d had a few relationships. Sex had been ok but never spectacular. I guess I never lasted more than a few minutes. I thought perhaps that was what sex was like, though I suspect one woman chucked me because she felt I was inadequate sexually.

Then I met Giulia. She was Italian, dark haired full figured and hot hot hot! And she knew what she wanted. After a few times of love making she told me she loved me but I’d better learn how to properly satisfy her or else!

I was devastated. This was the girl of my dreams and I was in danger of losing her. I didn’t know what to do. Then a friend of a friend told me about this man who does great work with men and knows all about this stuff. That’s how I met Nick and I was on a programme with him in a flash. Lucky for me he had a vacancy because he only works with a few men at any one time.

I think for me, the programme was mainly about breaking old habits. Nick told me I was just using sex as a way to decompress after a hard day at work. He told me I was accessing may be 1/1000th of my sexual power and pleasure.

I think he was right. I saw a difference right from the beginning. Nick gave a few simple pieces of advice to get me started that amounted to “just slow down and enjoy the journey”. Giulia was delighted. “You are new man!” she said.

Getting into the programme with Nick, the thing that really struck home was his idea about sex being an art form. I realised too that my entire life was an unfocused muddle and life itself can be an art form - something to work at and develop finesse and skill.”

Chapter 3

How to Use This Book

This book is a step by step guide. It gives you everything you need to know to overcome premature ejaculation and enjoy prolonged tension free love making.

You will get the best results if you regard this as a programme and set aside three to six months to gradually develop your new skills.

You will need to work systematically through all the practices and techniques in the book. If you just “cherry pick” a few ideas and techniques you are unlikely to see much improvement.

Above all, don’t rush. You are rewiring your nervous system with new patterns and habits and this is best done gradually, just making small changes that accumulate over time to a radical transformation. Each stage of the programme moves you forward by one small and achievable step. Make sure you are comfortable with a step before you move on to the next one. If things are not working well at any stage go back to the previous step for a while until you feel comfortable again. Don’t be tempted to push ahead too fast.

You will need to set aside time. If you can practice daily that is ideal. Two to three times a week would be an absolute minimum. Your practice sessions will typically be 20-45 minutes. Short practice sessions regularly will get the best results. Many of the practices involve mindful masturbation, so you will need a private, comfortable place to practice.

First read this introductory section. Then read Chapters 4-8. These are “ideas” part of the book which gives you all the background information you need. It will be good to reread theses chapters from time to time to keep the ideas fresh in your mind.

Then work through the mind-set practices in Chapter 9. Don’t be tempted to skip this section. Setting up positive motivation, clear goals and visualising success is as important as the hands-on exercises. Some of these mind-set exercises you will repeat throughout your programme.

Go onto Section 4 and do the Calm Body Calm Mind exercise and the Deer Exercise daily for a couple of weeks until you feel really comfortable with them.

You are now ready to go onto the solo masturbation exercises in Chapter 12. Take these very gradually. There are 11 stages and I would suggest taking between 8-12 weeks to work through them. For the last exercise you will need to purchase a Fleshlight sex toy from an online store. More details are given with that exercise.

Finally, if you have a cooperative partner, Chapter 12 gives you a seven stage programme of exercises to do together. I suggest you spend between four and eight weeks with these exercises. If you haven’t got a cooperative partner, this chapter gives you a lot of great suggestions about how to feel comfortable being intimate with a new partner and bring what you have learned from the solo practices into your lovemaking.

SECTION 2

UNDERSTANDING WHY WE DON’T LAST AS LONG AS WE WANT

Chapter 4

Get Control of Caveman

The first step towards ejaculatory freedom is to get control of a part of you that I call Caveman.

Let’s meet him...

2 million years ago.

Somewhere in the plains of sub Saharan Africa, a creature is hiding at the edge of a forest clearing. He is male, that's obvious! He is smaller than you are. He's hairier. He is uglier (probably!). But he's clearly human. Anthropologists would call him an early hominid, but you can think of him as your great-great-grandfather many times removed.

For the last few days he's been feeling edgy and unsettled. He's picked fights with other males in his band. He's got this pressure inside him. He can't settle. He hasn't got the patience to hunt. He hasn't got the patience to chew the nutrition out of the forest leaves. There's this feeling inside like something is going to burst and an irresistible pull is leading him to seek…

…A female.

And that is what has led him to this clearing. On the other side of the clearing is a small group of young females. He can smell them. He can see that they are just old enough to be ready for mating. The smell, the sight, the sound of them is driving him crazy. Just watching them is making him erect hard.

For once, there are no other males around, but he knows they are not far away. He must act quickly.

He makes his move.

Dashing forward into the clearing he heads for the females. They scatter with shrill cries. But one of them isn't quite quick enough. He grabs her. Soon he is on top of her and, propelled by his primal instincts, his penis finds her vagina. A few quick thrusts and his ejaculation bursts out of him.

In an instant, he feels an overwhelming sense of release. All the pressure is gone. A brief wave of pleasure passes through his body. He withdraws, heads back under the trees. He's feeling languid, sleepy. The tension, the edginess, the aggression has vanished. Climbing a tree to a comfortable perch he curls up, his eyes close and soon he is snoring

2 million years of human evolution mean that you are perhaps more civilised than your sub Saharan ancestor, certainly you dress better than him, but your sexuality is, at root, still driven by the same primal forces.

Caveman is our basic biological programming. We may think we are sophisticated 21st century men, but we have the genes of our prehistoric ancestor.

Caveman's agenda is simple: Fight off the other males. Grab a female. Hold her down long enough that you can impregnate her before she gets away or another male pulls you off.

He operates on what I call the Frustration Cycle:

Feel horny - Look for an opportunity to release – Release - Feel calm - Start all over again.

I call this the Frustration Cycle because, except for a brief explosion of pleasure followed perhaps by a nap, most of the time Caveman is wound up and frustrated trying to get his next release.

And the lives of most men today are stilled ruled by Caveman’s Frustration Cycle.

Like Karl, so focused on his own gratification that he rushes clumsily through foreplay, gets over excited and goes at it like a jack hammer in his haste to get to the "important bit".

He is the man like Danny for whom sex is just a hunger to be satisfied, who never notices or really cares that his partner is switched off and unfulfilled.

And he is there in you and me. That drive to spread your genes is strong. The anticipation and build up to sexual activity is so full of tension and excitement. And there is something about the moment you enter a woman. However caring, pleasure orientated and sensual you have been in foreplay, that actual moment of most intimate contact seems to flick a switch and you go into Caveman autopilot, rushing ahead, like an Olympic sprinter focused with tunnel vision on the finish line…. Ejaculation.

Tension, excitement and being on autopilot are the enemies of Ejaculatory Freedom.

Over-excitement and lack of awareness are the two greatest causes of premature ejaculation or not lasting long enough.

Cave Man is not interested in pleasure. Cave Man is not interested in intimacy. Cave Man is not interested in sensuality. Cave Man is not really interested in his partner. For Caveman it’s just his own immediate gratification through ejaculation. Caveman sex is, as the 17th century philosopher Hobbes put it, “nasty, brutish and short".

Mastering Caveman is the first essential step to ejaculatory freedom.

Let’s be clear though. We need Caveman. He is the foundation of our sexuality and our libido and in the right context he can contribute a wonderful earthiness to our love making. But we do not want him to run the show. Cave Man sex is junk food to assuage hunger not a gourmet dinner to be savoured.

How Do We Control Caveman?

The answer, indeed the message of this whole book could be summed up in two words:

SLOW DOWN

But it is deeper than this. I want to share with you now something that I consider to be one of the most profound lessons that any man can learn about sex.

It is this.

Good Sex Is A Learned Skill.

We tend to view sex through rose tinted glasses. Man and woman come together and as if by magic the music happens.

This is not so. There is nothing “natural” about good sex. Human nature is Caveman. It’s wham bang thank you Ma'am. It’s tension, excitement, speed.

Good sex is a learned skill and the sad thing is that even in today's world where sex education is the norm and bookstores have shelves of “how to” books on sex, most of us are woefully unpractised in the art of sex.

Our sexual skill set tends to be cobbled together from stuff we picked up from clumsy adolescent experimenting, imitating what we’ve seen in porn clips and a few tricks gleaned from magazines.

It was not always so.

Meet the Master Lover

Many ancient cultures had a different perspective. Take China for example. The Chinese Taoists had a lot to say about sex. Above all they viewed sex as an art form. Something to be studied, practiced and ultimately mastered as a skill. In ancient China a man would set out to master the art of sex as a primary goal in life.

Skill in bedroom arts was as much a requirement for gentleman as was swordsmanship, calligraphy and literature. There were sexual “kungfu” masters just as there were martial arts kungfu masters. A man would willingly pay enormous sums of money to learn the secrets of a Master Lover.

The words kung fu mean skill or mastery or practice. They literally mean “work” and “time”. In other words, something you work at for a long time.

You cannot learn ejaculatory freedom simply by having some positive intentions. You cannot learn Ejaculatory Freedom by reading books, even this book. You can however master Ejaculatory Freedom by practice. You can master Ejaculatory Freedom by regarding good sex as a skill that you study in the same way that you might learn a musical instrument or a foreign language.

A good definition of practice is - repetition with awareness.

Lack of awareness of our habits, or our body responses, of our thoughts and emotions is perhaps the biggest obstacle to mastering Ejaculatory Freedom. The cultivation of awareness is the sure-fire way to master Ejaculatory Freedom.

Above all becoming a Master Lover, like any art form, means expressing our “big self” or highest potential through sex, not just our animal nature. Cultivating our inner Master Lover will keep Caveman under control so we can enjoy lovemaking as a magnificent banquet full of delicious and exotic dishes to delight our senses.

This book is an entry point to the Way of The Master Lover. The heart of the book is a step by step sequence of awareness practices, some sexual, some non-sexual, some solo, some with a partner, that if you devote time to them, will lead you on the path to Ejaculatory Freedom and deeper and fuller experience of sex and love making.

What Is The Key Take Home From This Chapter?

Over excitement and a lack of awareness are key factors in premature ejaculation. The solution is to view sex as an art form or skill to be practiced and mastered.

In the next chapter, I’m going to go deeper into the Frustration Cycle and I’m going to show how you can work with this cycle to get Caveman under control.

Chapter 5

Mastering Your Ejaculatory Cycle

What Am I Going To Learn In This Chapter?

The Frustration Cycle I referred to in the previous chapter is also known as the Ejaculatory Cycle. Getting control of the Ejaculatory Cycle is a key starting point in subduing Caveman and gain Ejaculatory Freedom. In this chapter I am going to explain the Ejaculatory Cycle in detail and I’ll show you exactly how to use this principle to make an immediate gain in Ejaculatory Freedom.

In my opinion, understanding your Ejaculatory Cycle is one of the most useful but least known techniques for lasting longer during sex. I personally benefited greatly from this technique in my own training and it still forms a cornerstone of how I manage my sexual energy on a day-to-day basis.

I’ve taught this principle to many clients with positive results.

In addition to curing premature ejaculation and increasing stamina, understanding your Ejaculatory Cycle has other benefits. Using the Ejaculatory Cycle can help you:

• Strengthen your erections and make them more reliable.

• Increase your libido if it is low.

• Increase your motivation and drive in life generally.

• Manage feelings of sexual frustration or distraction.

Sounds good? Read on and find out about how the Ejaculatory Cycle can improve your sex life.

So What Do You Mean By Ejaculatory Cycle?

Many processes in the body are cyclical. There are some obvious ones like our sleep cycle and our digestive cycle but there are many other cycles that seem to be regulated by times of day, season, or simply the ticking of our internal body clock.

Most of us are familiar with the idea that women have a cycle. Her 28 day menstrual cycle controls a woman's fertility and receptivity to sex by adjusting the level of key hormones. We also know very well, sometimes to our cost, how the menstrual cycle also affects a woman's mood!

What is less well known is that men have cycles that affect our sexual energy too. These cycles primarily affect the male hormone testosterone. When we have high levels of testosterone our libido tends to be high and the instinctive urge to ejaculate will be stronger. When testosterone levels are low, we are less interested in sex and the urge to ejaculate is lower.

Here are some important male cycles.

The Daily Cycle

Your testosterone levels fluctuate on a daily cycle. Your levels of testosterone rise gradually during the night and reach a peak at the time you wake. This is why you often have "morning wood" and feel randy when you first wake up. As the saying goes "morning fuck brings good luck". (This can be a tad frustrating when you are lying there pumped up like a stag in rutting season and your partner is snoring contentedly. Hint: she is not going to be too pleased to be pulled from dreamland by feeling your erection poking between her legs!).

Your testosterone levels decline progressively during the day and by late afternoon will be at their lowest ebb.

The Yearly Cycle

Your testosterone levels fluctuate throughout the year, being highest from April through to October and lowest through the winter.

The Hourly Cycle

Your testosterone levels can change rapidly minute by minute. For example, simply standing in a triumphant posture or remembering or anticipating success can instantly elevate your testosterone levels by as much as 20% in an instant! Typically, however testosterone levels fluctuate somewhat every 15 to 20 minutes.

The Lunar Cycle

I have never seen any research on this but I have observed in myself over many years that my libido tends to be very high around full moon. Women are often highly sexual at this time too. Open the curtains, turn off the light and let the silvery light of the moon glisten on your naked bodies…. enjoy!

The Female Pheromone Cycle

Again, I have never seen any research on this but I have often felt the urge or need to ejaculate can be highest when my partner is around ovulation and her libido is highest. It is likely that a man picks up on the subtle pheromonal, hormonal and body language signals that a woman is broadcasting to say that she is receptive and fertile. Caveman then gets the message that this is a good opportunity to spread his genes.

The Ejaculatory Cycle

The Ejaculatory Cycle is the most important cycle to be aware of for lasting longer in bed.

Let’s recap how it works:

Let's start from the point immediately after an ejaculation. We are in the so-called refractory period. The prostate gland and seminal ducts have emptied. The hormone prolactin which subdues sexual desire has been secreted. Testosterone is low. Feelings of needing to release, of frustration have dissipated. Our tendency to fantasise and think about sex is lower. We might feel sleepy, contented, unfocused or even low in mood. In simple terms immediately after ejaculation our sexual energy is low.

Over time our sexual energy builds again. Testosterone rises, the prostate fills again with semen, and fresh sperm arrive from the testes. We feel increasing libido, we become more interested in sex, we fantasise more, and we ogle women more. We have more feelings of frustration and distraction. Eventually the feeling of the need for release becomes so strong that we seek an outlet either in partner sex or masturbation.

The cycle begins again.

Every man I have ever talked to is familiar with this cycle.

How long is the ejaculatory cycle? The simple answer is that it varies from one man to another. It is highly dependent on our age, our health and our general energy and stress levels.

For a healthy teenager or young man the cycle may be as little as a few minutes to a few hours.

For an older man depending on his health and fitness levels and other factors it may be anything from several days to several weeks.

Unlike a woman's cycle or the other male cycles that I have described the Ejaculatory Cycle has an element of choice. If you choose to ignore the signals from your body, the urge to ejaculate will become stronger and stronger so that either you will ejaculate spontaneously in your sleep or when you do engage in some form of sexual activity you will ejaculate very quickly.

At the other end of the scale if you ejaculate at a frequency faster than your body can replenish its sexual energy, your sexual energy will gradually decline to the point where you are unable to become erect yet alone ejaculate and your libido drops away. Your body is saying it needs to hole up and rest.

In a nutshell: you need to ejaculate periodically to keep your system in balance. Ejaculate too infrequently and your system will run too hot and you’ll feel pent up, distracted and frustrated - and most likely come quickly during sex. If you ejaculate too frequently, your system will run cold and you’ll most likely find it hard to get erect, yet alone ejaculate.

Find the sweet spot and you will not only feel energised and alive sexually but you’ll be in control. The urge to ejaculate will not hijack your love making and you’ll be able to enjoy longer sessions with your partner.

How do I measure my own cycle?

Most men when they think about it have an instinctive feel for how long their Ejaculatory Cycle lasts.

To get an idea of your natural ejaculatory cycle, think about the following:

Feel into with total realism how frequently you really need sex? I say total realism because the reaction of a lot of men would be to say “every day, several times!” But if you think a little bit more deeply you will perceive that such a fantasy is both unrealistic and undesirable.

Unless you are sexually addicted or have a strong emotional dependency on sex you will have some feel for how regularly that powerful physical drive towards sex shows up.

You can experiment. Keep a journal and daily score your sexual energy on a 1 to 10 scale. Notice how it cycles from one ejaculation to the next. Over a period of weeks you’ll get a sense how your cycle works.

Another experiment would be for a period to stop all sexual stimulation, intercourse, masturbation, fantasising etc. and notice how long it is before your sexual urges and needs become obsessive. Another experiment would be to ejaculate as frequently as possible until your sexual energy has bottomed out and then record how long it is until you feel your sexual energy is strong again.

What matters is not to measure your cycle precisely. It's too variable and influenced by multiple factors for that.

Now, what matters is that you get a feel for the rough length of your cycle and a sense at any particular time as to roughly where you are in your cycle.

For example, I know that as a fit healthy man in my late 50s who has worked long and hard on learning to control my sexual energy, my ejaculatory cycle is around one month. I would say that my underlying cycle is probably around seven days but I have learned through the Tantric and Taoist techniques that I have practised and taught for the last 25 years, how to sustain and enjoy a high charge of sexual energy in my body without feeling the need to dissipate it through ejaculation.

I also know that today as I'm sitting here writing this book I am quite close to the peak of my cycle. The charge of life force that is resulting from my heightened sexual energy is one of the things fuelling the creation of this book.

Knowledge of these things is a distinct advantage when it comes to Ejaculatory Control or choice.

How Do I Use My Cycle To Boost My Stamina?

You will be wondering how knowledge of your Ejaculatory Cycle can help you last longer. I am going to tell you now.

The overall message is that you need to respect your Ejaculatory Cycle. This means:

• Ejaculate at a frequency which keeps the cycle balanced so that neither are you feeling constantly frustrated and distracted by your sexual energy, nor is your sexual energy feeling drained or depleted.

• Not avoiding ejaculation when you are at the peak of your cycle. Many men who are involved in the martial arts or who have read Taoist sexual kung fu books like those by Mantak Chia believe that ejaculation should be avoided at all costs. Men who follow such a regime are doomed to failure and frustration.

• Not ejaculating so frequently that your libido drops and erections lose power. This not only indirectly affects premature ejaculation, but also has serious consequences for your overall energy levels, the strength of your erections and your motivation and drive in life.

The specific rule for using the Ejaculatory Cycle to last longer is this.

As far as possible, time sex for times when you are not at the peak of the cycle.

At the peak of the cycle it is challenging for any man to have good Ejaculatory Control. If your aim is to last longer in bed, then you can choose to release by masturbation at the peak of the cycle and then enjoy more relaxed sex with your partner at other times, without the pressing need to release quickly.

It is not so good to force yourself to have sex at the bottom of the cycle when your body is saying it's time to rest and your libido is low. It's quite possible for many men in this situation to mechanically get an erection and have some kind of sexual experience but emotionally and physically you are not respecting yourself. Ultimately you will drain your sexual energy and perhaps develop erectile dysfunction.

The ideal time is after the low point when our sexual energies arising and before it reaches a peak of intensity. If we have sex at these times we will be much less driven by the urge for release and be able to focus much more on the pleasure, sensuality and intimacy of the lovemaking journey. If the urge for release is lower we will automatically find that we can last longer.

One objection that might be raised is that we may not know when we are going to have sex, or that it seems very mechanical and unspontaneous to plan the sex in this way.

The reality is that most of the time most of us have a pretty good idea of how likely we are to have sex in the next few hours or days so in fact this method is much easier to apply than it might seem at first sight.

The simplest way of doing this is to ejaculate with masturbation a little while before you anticipate having a sexual encounter. Exactly how long before depends on the typical length of your ejaculatory cycle. I did this for many years and found it very helpful.

How Does This Work For A Younger Man?

For a younger man, with a very short cycle who could typically expect to be capable of more than one ejaculation during a session of lovemaking, the answer is to not worry at all about how quickly you ejaculate first time. With that first high-pressure ejaculation out of the way you can pleasure your lover in many different ways, with your hands, with your lips, with your tongue perhaps allowing her to experience one or more orgasms until you have cycled into an "up" phase again and you will be sure to last much longer second time round.

For a short cycle man, using this method depends on two factors.

Firstly, having a mind-set that sees lovemaking as about more than just getting a release and not as a race to the finish for either partner.

Secondly having a partner who is understanding and will enjoy such an experience. In fact, many women can enjoy being with a man who comes quickly. She may like the feeling that you are so turned on by her that you can't control yourself. It can make her feel wanted, attractive and sexually powerful. It's when that’s the whole deal and there’s nothing more, that the woman will feel dissatisfied. Most women need more sustained stimulation to really feel satisfied. In the ideal world, you can offer her both that initial rush of passion and more sustained pleasuring.

These factors depend on both partners having a mature and open attitude to sex and being able to communicate to talk freely without embarrassment about their sexual feelings and needs.

How Does This Work For An Older Man?

For an older man or a man with a longer cycle, the approach is different. The basic plan would be to ejaculate may be a day or two before an anticipated sexual encounter.

Here are two examples from clients I have worked with.

Richard was a man in his 50s who was embarking on a second time around relationship. He lived quite a distance from his new lover and they would typically meet once a week and go to a hotel together to spend the night. Richard had had a long period of being single and was revelling now in the company of a highly sexual woman. Their encounters were highly charged, passionate and Richard tended to become overexcited and lose control. When he did this, it would be several hours at least before he could get an erection again.

Richard had signed up for my Master Lover program not just to learn how to last longer but out of a strong motivation to explore the full heights of sexual pleasure that he was capable of. However, his premature ejaculation was an early issue that needed to be dealt with. Among other recommendations I told him to ejaculate on his own a day or two before meeting his lover. When he did this, he found he was much less likely to lose control and could sustain a high level of stimulation during lovemaking for a long time.

For my second example, I'll start by telling you an old joke. A market researcher is interviewing people in the street and asking them about how frequently they have sex. She sees a smiling man skipping down the street and asks him. "Every day!" he says with a smile and skips on. She next sees a very depressed looking man shambling down the street. "Once every six months" he sighs. Then she sees a man literally jumping down the street whopping and laughing. "And how often do you have sex?" She asks. "Every 10 years" he says. "Then why are you so happy?" "It's tonight!!! “

Paul and his wife had come to see me for couple's coaching. Although they were in a stable and loving relationship they made love rarely and when they did it was soon over because Paul was both nervous and excited. They wanted me to help them rebuild their physical intimacy. Paul complained of feeling very sexually frustrated a lot of the time and admitted to resorting to porn when things got more than he could handle.

In a one-to-one session with Paul we established that his typical Ejaculatory Cycle was about two weeks. My recommendation to him was that he ejaculated every two weeks through masturbation regardless of whether there was any prospect of lovemaking. This kept his Ejaculatory Cycle balanced and meant that when he and his wife did make love he had much more control. Doing this deliberately and openly took away a lot of his shame and guilt around his sexual needs so he felt generally happier.

Later on, as this couple relearned intimacy and became more able to talk about their sexual needs, he was able for instance to ask her to stimulate him by hand even when she wasn't in the mood for full lovemaking.

What Is The Key Take Home Message For This Chapter?

The key take-home messages in this chapter are:

• Learn how long your typical ejaculatory cycle is and be aware of where you are in your cycle at any point in time.

• Respects your cycle by regulating the frequency of your ejaculation to keep the cycle balanced.

• Last longer in bed by timing sex away from the peak in your cycle or by having a solo ejaculation an appropriate time before an anticipated partner sex encounter.

Chapter 6

Reining in Your Inner Little Boy

In the previous chapter I talked about one of the primary causes of not lasting long enough; Excitement. We met Caveman, our primal reproductive instinct and learned how we can control him and set out on the path of becoming a Master Lover.

In this Chapter, I am going to introduce you to the second major cause of not lasting long enough. We’ll also meet another character, Little Boy.

But first, to set the scene, I want to return to Caveman.

We are back in sub Saharan Africa 2 million years ago. Your great-great-great-grandfather many times removed has woken from his nap. He climbs down from his tree, stretches and thinks about his next move. He is hungry and remembers a grove of trees with ripe fruit on the other side of the valley.

He sets off. To get to his dinner, he must leave the safety of the forest and cross an area of open savannah. He moves quickly and quietly, keeping as much as he can to the concealment of the longer grass. Suddenly he hears the sound of running antelope and a distinctive smell reaches his sensitive nostrils. Lions! It is not so much a thought as a primal reflex that sparks out through his body from deep in his unconscious brain. All thought of dinner is gone. His heart races, his muscles tense, his eyes dilate, his bowels and bladder clear themselves involuntarily as a wave of fear surges through his body.

He can’t run. He can’t retreat. He can’t fight. He burrows down in a hollow among the tall grasses and tries to make himself as small as possible. He waits. After a few minutes, he hears a shriek from a stricken antelope. The lions have made their kill. He is safe. He breaths a deep sigh and almost as quickly as it came, the fear is gone. A warm current of relaxation flows through him and his thoughts turn again to dinner.

What does this have to do with lasting longer in bed?

The answer is fear.

Fear is the basic human emotion. Fear is our primal survival mechanism. Without fear the human genome would have been eaten by lions long before it got as far as your sub Saharan ancestor, let alone you.

Fear is a physiological response triggered in a deep and primitive part of the brain. It gears us up to deal with threats in our environment: to run, fight or hide. It pumps our blood, tenses our muscles and switches off non-essential services like digestion and reproduction. Two million years on you have an identical fear response mechanism in your brain to Caveman.

What is interesting too is that the fear response comes from the exact same part of the brain that got Caveman excited when he saw the young females. Physiologically, excitement and fear are the same. The one propels us towards that which we desire, the other, away from that which will harm us. What happens in the body, the pumping blood and tensing muscles etc. is the same.

And when the cause of fear has passed, Caveman has another mechanism that switches off the fear response as quickly as it triggered.

But, again you ask, what has this to do with lasting longer in bed?

Bear with me.

Fear is still with us. We dress it up with words like stress, anxiety, nervousness, pressure, worry, being unhappy, pissed off, etc. We hide it under a mask of anger, rumination or depression. If we get scientific we talk about the fight or flight response, the sympathetic nervous system and the amygdala (that the part of the brain that creates the fear response). But when you get down to it, it’s all fear.

And like excitement, fear is a major cause of premature ejaculation.

Although we have that same fear/excitement response as Caveman, the circumstances in which it operates are very different. The fear/excitement response evolved to deal with the immediate physical threats and opportunities in the prehistoric environment. It’s all about eat or be eaten. These threats and opportunities tended to be short lived and Caveman could return quickly to equilibrium after the threat has passed.

In the modern world, the triggers of our fear are different. Our work situation can create fear: a deadline, a disgruntled boss, the threat of redundancy. Our relationships can create fear: starting a new relationship, ending an old one and all the challenges and conflicts of being in a relationship. Our finances can create fear: can we pay the mortgage? Can we afford a holiday? Society can create fear: politics, terrorism, immigration, global warming.

These fear triggers are not short lived. They stick around, sometimes indefinitely keeping us in the over excited fear response long term. Not only does this result in many chronic illnesses, the over excitement primes us for quick ejaculation. Fear activates the exact neurological pathways that speed us towards ejaculation.

Nor are the modern sources of fear physical and immediate. They are anticipatory and imagined. By evolving our extraordinary higher brains, the thinking part of our brain, we have evolved an extraordinary capacity to think ourselves into fear and to keep ourselves there.

Most of our fears are not about survival either. We tend not to get eaten by lions these days. Most of our fears centre around two things: first, our value or worth as a person and second, being out of control. These kind of fears, about our sexual performance, our manliness, how loveable we are, about letting go and losing control, about being overwhelmed by the feminine lie at the root of much premature ejaculation. And ironically, fear of ejaculating too soon is one of the strongest reasons we do ejaculate too soon.

Let me give you some examples.

Dave began getting premature ejaculation after he was made redundant from his job in the City. He was depressed and angry about losing a very prestigious job and craved the comfort of sex as a distraction. However, whenever he made love he came almost immediately. After a few times, his wife, herself a high flyer, gave him an ultimatum, “sort yourself out”.

Now he was terrified of coming too soon. A harsh judgmental voice in his head kept telling him that he must not come too soon, at all costs. And of course, he was so worked up by this, he kept coming too soon. Behind that judgmental voice, was another scared one saying that if he didn’t “perform” he was worthless as man that his wife would not love and would leave him and he’d be alone. The fear of rejection for not being good enough was driving his premature ejaculation.

Here is another one. The fear of losing an erection is a common cause of premature ejaculation particularly among older men.

At 55, Paul was not in good shape: overweight, high blood pressure and cholesterol. He still had sexual desire but he struggled to get hard and stay hard. He and his wife didn’t have sex that often, “high days and holidays” mainly. When they did make love, he was worrying constantly about staying hard. He tried to keep his erection, by thrusting hard and faster to increase the stimulation but this just made him come quickly. The driving force here was the belief that he was less masculine if he didn’t get a good erection and couldn’t perform the way he did when was young. He feared the loss of self-worth that would result if he couldn’t prove himself to be a man.

The fears that drive premature ejaculation are often connected with long standing beliefs rooted in early life experience.

Richard grew up in a rigid moralistic catholic background. His mother would regularly warn him of the dangers of the “flesh”, citing his drunken, philandering father as an example of where sin would lead. He grew up with a lot of gilt about sex. He missed out on the teenage dating game and masturbated furtively to relieve his frustration. When he finally got into an intimate relationship, he had not only the fear of eternal damnation to face, but a genuine fear of the unknown. He knew nothing about sex and women’s bodies were a mystery to him. He was very nervous in his first sexual encounters and came quickly.

Remember that fear is a survival mechanism. It can be telling us something that we need to hear. A few years ago, I received the following query from a man:

Hello, I hope you can help me. I recently started a new relationship after my twenty-year marriage broke up. In my marriage sex was ok but not stunning and I never had a problem holding on. With my new girlfriend, I’ve started coming very quickly, before either of us is ready. It seems to be getting worse. I love my girlfriend dearly, and unlike my ex-wife, she is very sexual. She’s quite a feisty lady generally! I’m 43 and fit and in good health. What’s going on and how can I sort it?

Here is what might be going on:

If a man suddenly develops premature ejaculation or experiences premature ejaculation only with certain partners or situations we need to look at the underlying fears.

Never forget the “wisdom of the penis” as psychologist Dr Herb Goldberg put it. It is not your “tool”, but a highly sensitive energetic and emotional antenna which will tell you if things are not right between you and your lover. If you ejaculate very quickly your penis may be saying, “This doesn’t feel good, let’s get it over and done with quickly and get out of here!” Some men might develop erectile dysfunction in this situation. For other men, it’s premature ejaculation.

So, what’s wrong? Where is the fear? Perhaps she is the wrong partner. Maybe it’s a simple lack of sexual compatibility. Perhaps there is some unspoken current of feeling between you: guilt, resentment, anger, dependency etc. Remember too that it may be her stuff. Very often premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction are best thought of as a couple’s issue. A man should not necessarily take all the responsibility on himself for premature ejaculation. If it’s the relationship, then the answer then must be addressed, perhaps by couple’s therapy work.

Perhaps it’s the other way round: she is too hot for him. It may be that a man can sustain prolonged penetration because he is bored with his partner. She is not turning him on so he zones out, becomes desensitised and can thrust away all night because he’s not really there. Then one day he meets someone who really rocks his world – a woman with true sexual power. And Whoa! He can’t handle it and the wisdom of the penis says, “This is scary, I could lose myself in there.” He is tapping into the archetypal fear the Masculine has of being overwhelmed in the Feminine and being annihilated. Premature ejaculation may be one way to hold onto his autonomy. The challenge here is for a man to face his fears, claim his true power and step into the fire.

Who Is The Voice Of Fear?

It will be apparent that often the fears that lead to premature ejaculation are deep lying and rooted in our early life experience. It’s as if when fear rises a scared much younger part of our self rises up and calls for help.

Let me illustrate this.

You’ve had a stressful day and feel like a quick round in the sack would be just the thing to relieve the tension and help you sleep. She’s not in the mood. You feel rejected and resentful. She feels like you just want to use her as an outlet for your tensions. Eventually she says yes but it’s obvious she wants it over quick. You sense that and you push to climax.

Next morning at breakfast she sharply reminds you about that cupboard door you promised to fix.

“Christ!” you think, “You are always on my case. Bitch!”

Hmmm... Ever been there? Meet you inner Little Boy.

Inside every grown man there is a little boy. Often, he runs your life for you. He is that whingey, whiny, moody, needy, dependent, insecure, jealous, resentful, self-obsessed side of you. In the bedroom, he is trouble.

Sexually, Little Boy tends to show up in two forms: Mummy's Boy and Boy Hero both of whom are prone to premature ejaculation.

Mummy’s Boy. This is the man who comes to his woman like a needy child. Mummy’s Boy wants the security of the warm soft comfort of the feminine and the reassurance that he is loved and he is a good boy. He doesn’t see the real flesh and blood woman he is with but some idealised goddess. On the surface, he appears kind and loving but, in the words of one woman.

"Every time I walk by him he wants to hug me. Or give me a pat on the ass. Every minute of the day I am with him I feel the pressure of his love and him wanting a response until I want to kick him"

His big fear is rejection. He’s afraid to ask for what he wants. And of course, the great goddess should anticipate and meet all his needs. When she doesn’t he becomes resentful, moody, manipulative, obsessive and even vicious if he throws a tantrum.

Mummy’s Boy tends to be over sensitive and nervous around sex and this makes him come quickly.

Boy Hero . This is the grandstanding show off. The man who is obsessed by his own performance. It’s all “Look at me, I’m such a stud”. Boy Hero is using sex to shore up his fragile ego, to make believe he is a man. His big fear is around his manhood. He needs sex to prove he is a man. For a woman, he might be good for a one nighter but she’ll soon see through him. His over excitement and the fact that he is more in his head than his body mean that he probably won’t have much control over his ejaculations.

Whatever way he shows up, Little Boy is basically about one thing. We are operating from a sacred, wounded inner child who feels in some way he didn’t get the right love and attention when he was little. We keep playing out this story with our sexual partners, and sex is not for pleasure or intimacy, but becomes a drug.

The question for most of us is not - is little boy getting into the bedroom? But WHEN!

The solution… Great sex comes from a place of emotional maturity and intelligence.

To get there we need to gently but firmly rein in the Little Boy.

How?

Inside each of us there is what the ancient Chinese philosopher Confucius called the Superior Man - This is our “together” man, our big man who knows himself and handles himself like a grown up. He is in touch with his feelings and can express them but they don’t run him. The Superior Man is the foundation of the Master Lover.

He doesn’t need sex to sooth his emotional wounds or bolster his ego. He is not just interested in excitement or release. He is not grandstanding or trying to get love. He is not playing out stories from the past. He is simply present with his lover, in touch with his needs and hers and enjoying the spontaneous flow of pleasure and intimacy in the moment.

He is there in you now. I’ve witnessed countless men find him and embody him. As I’m talking you’ll actually be experiencing him as a feeling in your body. We’ve all got the Superior Man inside us as well as Little Boy.

We have choice who we show up as: Little Boy or Superior Man.

For some men it will be as easy as this:

1. Notice when you are needy, moody resentful Little Boy kicks in.

2. Say a firm STOP to yourself.

3. Step into Superior Man’s shoes.

4. Do what he’d do, say what he’d say.

For other men, whose Little Boy is really out of control, you need coaching and counselling. Trust me on that one. I work with men every day to help them get their Little Boy in check.

Either way, if you want great relationships and sex, you do well to rein in Little Boy and become that Superior Man.

Imagine...

You’ve had a stressful day. She’s had a stressful day too. You talk things through over dinner and then you retire to your den and do some meditation. She reads a novel. In bed you savour a loving hug before you both fall asleep. The next morning, rested and relaxed…. Need I go on?

What Is the Take Home from This Chapter

Fear, or if you prefer, anxiety, or nervousness is a major causative factor in premature ejaculation. In the next chapter we are going to go a stage further and I explain a secret that I believe is the single most important obstacle to lasting longer during sex.

Chapter 7

The Mind of Ejaculation

We’ve spoken about how excitement (Caveman) and fear (Little Boy) are the primary causes of not lasting long enough in bed. But there is something deeper that underlies excitement and fear. I'm going to share a secret with you. This secret explains why men universally find it hard to delay ejaculation. I believe this secret holds the key to effortless Ejaculation Control.

I have never read the secret and I have never been taught it. It came to me in a flash one day and as soon as I had integrated it into my own life I found I was able to delay ejaculation indefinitely regardless of how intense lovemaking was.

Before I really took the secret on, I had been studying Taoist sexual energy methods for many years and I had good control. But it always felt like effort. After learning the secret, control became effortless. In fact, I moved from Ejaculatory Control to Ejaculatory Freedom.

The secret concerns the real reason why men struggle with Ejaculatory Control. Most experts talk about our primal biological urge to reproduce, and our general tension around sex as the main challenges when it comes to Ejaculatory Control.

These things are important and we’ve already talked about them in some depth, but there is a massive something else that we need to deal with.

Here is the secret.

We Are Addicted To Ejaculation

We are addicted to ejaculation in the same way that a junkie is addicted to heroin, an alcoholic to booze, and a smoker to fags.

Does the heroin addict delay the moment that he shoots? Does the alcoholic sip and savour his drink? No he is propelled by a compulsion to get his "hit" as soon as he can.

… And it's the same with ejaculation.

However, much we consciously try to delay by will power, the subconscious compulsion heads straight for its target.

I call this compulsion the Mind of Ejaculation.

Meet the Mind of Ejaculation

A lot of men get edgy when I begin to talk about delaying ejaculation, or even enjoying sex without ejaculation. They feel threatened, like something is going to be denied. In fact, they actually start behaving like a smoker who has been told he can't have a cigarette, or an alcoholic who can’t get a drink.

If you are feeling this way at all, that is the Mind of Ejaculation talking. You can literally hear it in your head.

It’s that voice that keeps urging you to go for it. It’s that voice that keeps saying “I need to come, I want to come, I need to come, I want to come, and I’m going to come”.

Try this. Masturbate in your usual way, any way that feels exciting and stimulating but make a conscious effort to stay at the edge and last longer. Pay attention to the voices in your head. You’ll notice that the urge to ejaculate is not just a physical sensation, it is a voice urging you to push that bit harder, to go for it. It’s a voice telling you that it is inevitable, there is no point in holding back. The harder you try to say no, the more insistent that voice is.

I first got to know the Mind of Ejaculation when I was training in Taoist sexual energy practices that required me to experience high levels of arousal without ejaculating. I became aware of a dialogue that went like this.

Me: breathe…. relax... circulate the energy…

Mind of Ejaculation (MOE): But I wanna come!

Me: This training is important, keep at it.

MOE. But I wanna come!

Me: You’ll never get anywhere if you don’t master this.

MOE: But I wanna come. Look, the book says it doesn’t matter if you come occasionally. Let me come now and I’ll stick to the exercise properly next time.

Me: If you come you’ll lose all the energy you’ve just built up. You’ll be back to square one.

MOE: Just this once please! Once won’t matter. I really, Really REALLY need to come today. I’ll be good next time.

Me: Oh I suppose once won’t matter.

MOE: Aaaargh! BANG!!!! Phew…

Me. Well I sure blew that.

Does that sound familiar?

What Do You Actually Mean by Addicted to Ejaculation?

You often hear about “sex addiction” or “porn addiction” and these are very real phenomena. I am talking of something different and much more common. I am talking about a specific fixation on the experience of ejaculation.

But What Is Addiction?

It is fashionable now to talk about addiction purely in chemical terms; to talk about endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin; to talk about addiction as if it is a physical disease over which we have no control.

To me, it is not helpful to think in these terms. Certainly, the biochemical stuff is going on, but I believe that we get hooked on a particular experience, habit or behaviour because in some way it is serving us. An addiction is something we do, not something that happens to us. We do it for a reason. At some level we choose to do it. And that means we can potential choose not to do it.

Underlying all addictions are two fundamental beliefs.

• That we cannot live without the thing we are addicted to.

• That we have no choice or control.

Beliefs can be changed.

Changing the beliefs that we cannot live without ejaculation and that we have no choice or control about ejaculation is the key to effortless Ejaculatory Control.

How You Get Addicted to Ejaculation

Do you remember the first time you ejaculated?

You probably found out as a little boy that touching your “tinkler” (or whatever you called it) and having certain thoughts felt kind of nice. You probably got into the way of touching yourself there just because it felt good.

Most likely you got told “Don’t touch yourself there - it’s dirty” or some similar words. So you began to hide it and it became your secret pleasure.

Then one day, may be in your early teens… BANG! You ejaculate... and WOW! That blew your mind. I will never forget the surprise, the body shaking wave of pleasure, the awesome realisation that in some way I was now a man and the feeling of total release of that first ejaculation. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before in my young life.

At that point there is big shift away from the nice feelings of touching to the big high of ejaculation. It was probably the best thing you’d ever felt in your life and you wanted more!

Soon you discover something else - that the ejaculation hit relieves whatever stress or aggravation is going on in your life - and let’s face it being a teenager is stressful. Whether you mum shouted at you, you got bullied, your fav girl snubbed you, you didn’t get on the team or you got bad grades, you now know you can relieve the feelings by ejaculating. For that brief explosive moment you feel like a king and afterwards just laid back and “cool, man!”

Ejaculation becomes your safety value, your decompression chamber.

A powerful program gets installed in your subconscious mind that the way to cope with the stresses and demands of life is the high of ejaculation

This is how the addiction begins.

Soon it gets to the point of being a habit. The highs are not so intense but the feeling of release is still good. It becomes something you need to do often simply to feel on an even keel.

In the language of psychology you have created an emotional dependence on ejaculation and have sexualised your emotional needs. The emotional dependency is reinforced by the fact that in our culture men are not used to dealing with their feelings effectively. We are still influenced by macho values that say it is unmanly to show or even have feelings. Our default setting is to bottle our feelings up or deny them completely. Anger and sex often become our only outlet.

Once the habit has formed, it’s kept going by those two deeply entrenched beliefs. Those are:

• That you have no choice or control about when or if you ejaculate.

• That you cannot live without ejaculation – that ejaculation is essential to your happiness.

• What happens as the teenager grows up is that the emotional dependency and sexualisation of emotion continues but you transfer it into sex with a partner. Whatever you later learn about the pleasures and techniques of sex and what underpins it all remains a fixation on ejaculation as the thing that really matters.

It is common for men to talk about and think of sex primarily as a sort of stress release mechanism. Again the emphasis is on ejaculation. I can mention one man I worked with who quite simply could not sleep unless he ejaculated each and every night. I worked with another man who would be totally wound up unless he had sex four times a day.

This hijacking of sex as a stress release has a number of unfortunate consequences:

• The necessity for ejaculation becomes deeply embedded in the subconscious mind making it very difficult to delay or control ejaculation.

• We pay less attention to the experience of sex as sensual pleasure, intimacy and connection with our partner.

• Women tend to feel used by this kind of sex, like “it's all about him and feels like he is just using me to wank”. For a woman sex will almost always be about pleasure sensuality and connection. She hates feeling she's just a "cum bag".

• The woman finds herself more in a mother role than a lover role. The man is acting out needy Little Boy with her. Most women would rather have a grown up lover.

How Do I De-programme The Mind of Ejaculation?

Deprogramming some kinds of addiction is straightforward (although nobody is saying easy) - You stop taking drugs, you stop smoking. You go through hell, you come out on the other side. Heroin and nicotine are toxins, they have no upside, and you need them out of your life.

The Mind of Ejaculation is different. There is nothing inherently bad about ejaculation. It won’t kill you. It’s a pleasurable and desirable experience. You just want choice about when it happens. This is not so different from the compulsive eater who obviously isn’t going to give up food altogether. They just need to have control and stop comfort eating.

There are a highly effective and well tested set of steps for deprogramming addictions that work well for ejaculation control.

• Recognise the emotional needs that the addictive behaviour is trying to meet.

• Debunk the beliefs that you have no choice and the behaviour is necessary.

• Find a better way to fulfil the emotional need.

• Practice the new behaviours until they become habits.

Specifically, if you want to last longer in bed and have reliable, effortless ejaculation control:

• Change your expectations of sex from a fixation on ejaculation to an enjoyment of the whole experience.

• Stop believing and behaving as if you have no choice about ejaculation and install a strong belief that ejaculation is ALWAYS a choice.

• Stop using sex for stress relief and ejaculation as an emotional safety valve and find better ways to manage your feelings.

• Practice ways of having sex that are conducive to long lasting pleasurable love making until your old habits are erased.

What Is The Key Take Home From This Chapter?

What really traps us in premature ejaculation is our addiction to the “hit” of ejaculation. We need to radically upgrade our beliefs and values about sex to overcome this addictive habit. I’ll take you through this in the next chapter.

Chapter 8

Change Your Expectations about Sex

In this chapter, you are going to upgrade your mind-set about sex by installing three highly positive beliefs that are going to be massively helpful in achieving Ejaculatory Freedom. Adopting these beliefs will get Caveman further under control and get you thinking, feeling and acting like a true Master Lover.

You may already have these beliefs running in mind, in which case regard this chapter as a refresher and an upgrade.

Belief 1: Gourmet Sex - Pleasure Not Release

I've already talked extensively about this in relation to Caveman and our tendency to become addicted to the ejaculation hit. But it's so important let's just go over the main points again. For many men sex is not really about pleasure but about stress release. We use sex and ejaculation in particular as an emotional safety valve. This mind-set strongly programs the subconscious mind to fixate on and seek ejaculation quickly.

The emphasis is on achieving the goal – ejaculation – not the enjoyment of the experience.

As long as we hold this mind-set we will find delaying ejaculation difficult or impossible.

The alternative is what a woman client of mine once described as gourmet sex. I think that is a beautiful way to describe it. Sadly for this client she was describing exactly what she was not experiencing with her man.

The comparison with food works well.

Think about fast food. This is food that is created for one purpose, to satisfy an immediate feeling of hunger. It doesn't really nourish us and tastes bland at best. We tend to wolf it down quickly without really tasting it, which is probably best because if we did taste it we would be disgusted!

Using sex and ejaculation for stress release is just like eating fast food. All we are doing is satisfying the hunger of feeling stressed. We wolf the sex down without really tasting it.

The alternative is gourmet dining. We go to a beautifully appointed restaurant. In a leisurely way, we get comfortable, have an aperitif and enjoy each other's company. We make our choices from the menu selecting a range of dishes that sound delicious and exciting. We savour each course with the same delight in the presentation, the appearance, the aromas, the taste and the texture. There is no hurry and our goal, if we can be said to have a goal at all, is pleasure in the food and the enjoyment of each other's company. Our gourmet dinner is not about satisfying hunger, we could have done that with a cheese sandwich. It's more about pleasure and connection.

Compare this with having a quick shag because you are feeling bored /lonely/stressed/ frustrated. A few familiar routine moves to get you hard and her wet. Get inside her. Hump a bit. Come. Rollover. Sleep.

That's fast food sex. Okay, it may be a slightly exaggerated example but the closer our sexual encounters are to the fast food mind-set the more strongly we will programme in the habit of always coming quickly.

The more we slow down, focus on pleasure rather than release, and savour the actual moment by moment experience of love making, the easier we will find Ejaculatory Freedom.

Make it about pleasure, not release.

Belief 2: Don't make it about you - Presence not performance

The woman client who coined the phrase gourmet sex told me that for her, now ex-husband, sex was all about performance. "It's like it was all about him and how good he was. Sometimes I felt he wanted a round of applause and a medal afterwards. But from my point of view it was never anything very special."

This highlights another important way in which we tend to burden sex with expectations that get in the way of enjoyment and hamper good ejaculation control.

It is often said that while women just are, men are made and we go through life constantly needing to prove and affirm our manhood. Perhaps in the postfeminist age we do less of this kind of thing but is still a very prevalent mind-set.

One of the ways we prove our manhood is by being seen to be a success sexually i.e. a stud. Being able to win a woman, get her clothes off and get inside her are notches on the staff of our self-esteem. If we can be the "best she's ever had" then there are several bonus notches too.

I call this fixation on our performance Mr Alpha Syndrome. Mr Alphas may appear as macho, predatory over confident. But the reality is different. The Mr Alpha’s act, is just that. It's an act, a performance and typically behind the mask lies a frightened little boy.

Mr Alpha is really another example of using sex as an emotional safety valve. He is using it to distract himself from feelings of inadequacy.

Whenever we put on an act like this, part of us stops being present in the experience. We get into our head rather than our body. We also generate a lot of tension simply by having to keep up our act.

Tension and lack of awareness or presence in our body are disastrous when it comes to reliable effortless Ejaculation Freedom, so the reality is that for all their "shows" Mr Alphas seldom last long.

There is a scene in the movie Wish You Were Here where the heroine, played by Emily Lloyd, loses her virginity to a strutting young Mr Alpha played by Jesse Birdsall. After an enormous build-up, the Mr Alpha comes almost the moment he enters her. "Was that it?" she asks. "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it" he replies.

The answer, if you are overly concerned with performance in sex, is in two parts.

First, don't make sex just about you. Let go completely of any idea that how you are in bed has any effect on your self-worth at all. Let go of the idea that you need the adulation of a writhing moaning woman beneath you to reassure you that you are a man.

The great American psychologist Albert Ellis used to say that we come into this life with one unit of human worth. Nothing we do in this life adds to that worth and nothing we do takes away from that worth. We leave this life with one of human worth. We can therefore do the things we do in this life for the pleasure they bring us and the service they offer to others without burdening them with the need to make us feel more worthy.

Try substituting the word "manhood" for "human worth" in the above paragraph.

Second, cultivate in the moment presence and awareness during sex. That means being in your body not in your head. It means being fully switched on in all your senses, touch, sight, smell, taste and hearing.

Many of the exercises in this book will directly help you to be more present during sex. Your ejaculation control may improve exponentially simply by being more present.

Presence not performance.

Belief 3: You Are Not Making a Porn - Reality Not Fantasy

Porn used to be something shameful. Dirty old men, top shelf magazines in newsagents, seedy cinemas down back alleys in Soho. Now it is mainstream, a multibillion dollar industry and universally accessible, often for free, in mind-boggling quantity and variety on the Internet.

Porn is a massive issue for men today. There is so much about. It’s so easy to access. Porn’s advocates would have us believe that porn is sex positive, liberating and fun.

The reality is that porn is a harmful and addictive drug which hijacks your natural healthy sexual instincts and exploits them for gain. The porn industry is not interested in sexual freedom, it is after profits.

And why do men get hooked? We get hooked because we are programmed to do so. Caveman is strongly visual and has powerful instincts to respond to the sight of a sexually attractive and available woman. In traditional cultures those drives would be triggered by real women – today it’s the flood of cyberporn images. And so our natural Caveman instincts get bonded to an image on a screen rather than flesh and blood.

We stay hooked because addiction to porn is a distraction from unhappiness. Behind most porn addiction is an emptiness. Loneliness, boredom, stress, depression, feeling sexual disempowered, loss of direction in life, unexpressed anger can all be fertile ground for a porn addiction to take root. Porn distracts us from what’s missing in our life but it doesn’t actually fill the emptiness. Men are drawn to porn because it seems to offer power, freedom and excitement. The reality is very different.

Porn anchors your sexuality to an unrealistic fantasy image rather than to intimacy and sensuality with a real person. Porn is almost entirely visual. It closes off the other senses of touch, smell and taste, so important to sexuality. It takes a man out of his body. Porn focuses almost entirely on idealised images of the feminine, leading men to ignore the depth, complexity and beauty of their own sexuality. Porn leads to an emotional/erotic desensitisation, in which more and more extreme images are needed to create the same” thrill”. Porn can make it hard for a man to function in an emotional and intimate relationship with a real woman. Porn leads to erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

Try this. Go onto a porn site, one of the countless sites that offers a string of free clips and watch a few clips. Don’t go for anything too weird and kinky, just some regular bonking. But take a step back and watch like a scientist, an observer. Observe what is really going on. Analyse what beliefs and messages the clips are putting across.

Is this gourmet sex? Is this about presence rather than performance?

First, notice that few clips last longer than ten minutes, and that includes the preamble and foreplay (such as it is!). The thrusting bit is usually over pretty quick. What message is that putting across?

And look at the way the guys are pumping away hard and fast from the moment they enter. Are you basing your expectations of yourself on how they perform?

The clips are trying to suggest these guys have unbelievable stamina. Actually, they don’t. Much of what you see is smoke and mirrors - clever cutting and editing. I once watched a porn scene being shot. Both actors were bored and he was struggling to stay hard between takes. There was a particularly revealing moment when she was sucking away on his barely erect penis while the director persisted trying to get the shot he wanted. Eventually, pausing to take a breath she pleaded “Can I stop now!”

I was once curious to investigate some called “good porn”. Tasteful, high production values, non-exploitative, non-objectifying, appealing to women as well as men. The film portrayed a thirty something couple, attractive, but real looking, engaged in passionate foreplay. In fact it was all going great until he actually entered his lover and immediately started banging away at her like a jackhammer. Needless to say, it was a short film!

What about mainstream movie sex scenes? For a start they are usually simulated, but, I read once that the average length of a “hot” movie sex scene is 2 minutes. What message does our subconscious mind pick up from that?

We are constantly told that porn degrades and exploits women. That is true, but never forget that porn degrades and disempowers men just as much as it does women.

Porn negatively impacts on our ability to last longer in bed and enjoy prolonged and satisfying sex in several ways.

• It takes us out of our body and our senses and traps us in fantasy.

• It makes it difficult for us to function sexually with real women.

• It teaches a very limited and crude range of sexual expressions.

• It implants totally unrealistic expectations as to what a man is capable of. What to do if you’ve got a serious thing going with porn?

First get real. Get your head out of the sand and fully accept where you are. You’ve got to be able to say clearly to yourself “I’ve got a problem with porn”. Recognize how porn is messing up your life: time wasted, money, deception, barriers to real intimacy. Perhaps the biggest way porn messes you up is that you are dishonouring yourself as a man. You deserve more in life and more sexually, than a furtive wank in front of a screen.

Stop blaming yourself and let go of shame. You are not sick. You are not weak minded. You are not a pervert. For whatever reason you’ve been tricked. Your sexual urges and your erotic desires (even the darker ones) are healthy and natural. The worst thing you are guilty of is being conned.

The cure for porn addiction is simple: STOP DOING IT. Simple doesn’t mean easy, so be prepared to seek professional help. The better you feel about yourself, the easier it will be to be free of porn. I have 1:1 coaching programmes that can effective get you off porn. If you are addicted to porn, I invite you to book in for a free call to learn about these programmes.

Make it reality not fantasy.

What is the take home from this chapter?

Three key beliefs to adopt:

• Pleasure not release

• Presence not performance

• Reality not fantasy

SECTION 3

PROGRAMMING YOUR MIND FOR EJACULATORY FREEDOM

Chapter 9

The Theatre of the Mind

Programming Yourself for Ejaculatory Freedom

The key to success in any endeavour is to have a clearly defined goal in mind, to be passionately committed to that goal to embed the goal firmly in your subconscious mind.

This is as true about lasting longer in bed as it is about anything else in life. To ensure success it is not enough to have some vague idea about what you'd like, "I’d like to last a bit longer", or an idea that just looks back what's not right "I'd like to not have premature ejaculation".

In this chapter, I'm going to prime you for success. I'm going to take you through a simplified versions of powerful practices I do with my 1:1 coaching clients. At the end of this chapter you will know clearly what it is you want to achieve and have learned a powerful technique for communicating that goal to your subconscious mind.

Read on!

Creating a Strong Sexual Self-Image

Self-image is the inner picture we have of our self: who we are, what we can and cannot do. The self-image is the collection of beliefs, thoughts, and ideas we have about our self that we have accumulated through our life experience.

Our success in life is entirely determined by our self-image. If we have a strong and positive self-image we will enjoy a fulfilling and successful life. If we have a limiting and negative self-image we will experience failure and unhappiness.

We have an overall self-image and we have lots of specific self-images relating to different areas of our life. We have a self-image that relates to our work and career, another which relates to our health, and so on.

It follows that we have a sexual self-image. I mean by this, a picture of who we are sexually. One man might have a self-image of himself as a womanising stud, another man might think of himself as a sensitive and sensual lover, another man might think of himself as sexually shy and inhibited, another as wild and adventurous.

We actually have two layers to our self-image:

• Our Big Self : This is what we aspire to. It is made out the highest values that we cherish and believe in.

• Our Small Self: This is how we really see our self. Often our Small Self feels limited compared to our Big Self.

What Is Your Sexual Self-Image?

Get pen and paper and write a paragraph describing your sexual Big Self, how you aspire to be sexually. Write in the first person and the present tense as if this is how you are. Here is an example.

Sexually I am primarily driven by a longing for intimacy and connection. I am open minded, adventurous and uninhibited. As a lover I am sensual, playful, and passionate. I move easily between giving/guiding and receiving/being guided. I am caring and aware of my partner’s needs and take responsibility for my own needs. I am deeply tuned into the emotional and spiritual dimensions of sexuality.

Now write a paragraph describing your sexual Small Self. Here is an example.

I’m not the kind of man who asserts himself sexually. I need the woman to take the initiative. I find it hard to express my sexual needs and I am ashamed of some of my darker fantasies. I feel I am quite clumsy and don’t know how to please my partner. I don’t think I’m a particularly good lover. I struggle to last more than a few minutes.

Now read both paragraphs and feel into the gaps between the two descriptions. How good do you feel about yourself sexually? How much do you like yourself?

We can also get more specific:

Big Self

I enjoy long sessions of penetrative sex without getting overly excited or losing control. I am skilful with my thrusting so that I let the pleasure build slowly and move in waves. My body feels like a great vessel that can be filled with pleasure without spilling over. I can easily last long enough so that both I am my partner are deeply satisfied.

Small Self

I get nervous and worry about coming too soon. This gets in the way of enjoying sex. I get too excited as soon as I enter my lover and it is over before we are really ready. I don’t feel I’m a good lover.

They key message is that self-image determines how you act and feel in reality. As long as you have a negative self-image about your ability to last in bed you will keep reproducing and reinforcing the habits that mean that you don’t last.

Here is a true story.

Andy had a self-image of himself as someone who comes quickly. He rationalised this to himself by thinking of himself as a gentle, hypersensitive man who was more into foreplay and cuddles than into penetrative sex. He told himself he only liked slow soft intercourse. In practice he projected this limit on to his women partners whom he saw as delicate flowers. He got really scared if his partner showed signs of getting seriously wild. Needless to say, his partners found him a bit boring in bed.

One day he met an amazing woman who really attracted him. They got on well but on one date before they’d been to bed together, she let slip that she like deep penetration and strong thrusting. Andy was mortified.

“I’ll never live up to that” he told himself. He made excuses and limited their first intimate encounters to petting.

Eventually the big moment came. And so did he, the moment he entered her! His Small Self as a hyper sensitive man made sure of that.

This story has a happy ending. She was a caring and wise woman and saw through his Small Self to his Big Self, to the man and lover he truly could be. With the support of his lover and a coaching programme from me, he changed his self-image and reclaimed his sexual power and his stamina.

How did Andy change his self-image?

The rest of this chapter will give you a series of powerful tools to reinforce your Big Self-image. But for a start, go back the paragraph you wrote on your big self-image. Rewrite it on a card and at least twice a day (last thing before you sleep is ideal) read it out aloud to yourself slowly and with conviction.

Understand Your Conditions for Good Sex

If you were to ask me what is the most important thing a man, or indeed a woman, could do to have better sex, I would say:

Find out what you enjoy and make sure it happens.

I call this knowing your conditions for good sex. Creating your conditions for good sex is essential for Ejaculatory Freedom. If you are feeling unfulfilled, pressurised or in any other way uncomfortable around sex you are more likely to either ejaculate quickly or find your erection unreliable.

Your conditions for good sex are all those things that maximise your chances of enjoying sex.

So it might be anything that:

• Increases sexual desire.

• Gets you more aroused.

• More in the mood.

• More relaxed and more confident.

• Things that help you last longer.

• Thing that help you get and stay hard.

You might be surprised that you have conditions for good sex. After all the popular view of us men is that we are always up for it. As Robert B Parker’s fictional character, Jesse Stone says:

“The worst piece of ass I ever had was great”

Not true! Except for Caveman. What’s more many men are ashamed about what they want and find it hard to talk about.

But maybe you like your woman to wear sexy underwear - I do

Maybe you are turned on by a foreign accent? - I am.

Maybe you find it’s exciting to make love out of doors - I do.

Maybe you enjoy the woman on top - I do.

Or maybe you like some very different things?

I’ve got news for you. You are not a sex machine always ready to perform on the flick of a switch. You are human, you have needs, feelings, and vulnerabilities. They are unique to you and they are important. If you want to enjoy good sex and have Ejaculatory Freedom you absolutely must understand and create your personal conditions for good sex.

Let me give you a couple of real-life examples from clients who have worked with me.

Sam was frustrated by the lack of sex in his marriage. He didn't want to hurt his wife. He was shy about talking about sex with her. And he didn't want the relationship to end. But he was feeling frustrated to the point where it was distracting him from work and making him grumpy with his wife. He decided the answer was to see a prostitute. So, after some Internet research he made an appointment.

The lady was young. She was beautiful. She was well groomed. Her apartment was well appointed. She was a nice girl who took her work seriously and sought to give her clients the best possible experience. Sam was clear about what he was doing and why he felt no guilt. What could be better?

But Sam's experience was that the whole experience was about as erotic as a vicarage tea party. He struggled to get erect and then ejaculated while she was giving him a blow job even before they had had full sex.

Had Sam known it, one of his fundamental conditions for good sex was that he needed to feel an emotional connection with his partner. There was no such connection with this young lady. Sexually the encounter was an expensive washout.

Here's another example.

With his first wife, Chris always found that sex was good, and he had good staying power.

After his wife died he met another woman and fell in love with her. They married but Chris was dismayed to discover that as time went on he couldn’t control his ejaculations. His new partner was understanding, but Chris felt ashamed and dissatisfied.

When we talked this through it became apparent that during foreplay his first wife would touch and caress him intimately a lot. He found this very arousing.

But his new partner didn't go in much for foreplay. He didn't feel so aroused, became anxious that he might go limp, went at things too fast and it was all over before you could say “premature ejaculation”.

Receiving those intimate caresses in foreplay was a condition for good sex for Chris. When they talked about it and changed things Chris got his arousal back and was able to relax and last longer again. Both of them were happy.

So I'm going to talk you through how to do the Conditions for Good Sex exercise.

Right let's get started.

1. First take some time to reflect on your peak sexual experiences throughout your life. The times when you've been most aroused. The times you have most enjoyed. The times you’ve be most in the experience. Feel into what made those experiences good. May be for this exercise focus on just one great experience.

2. What was it that made it great? What was it about you, your partner, the situation and what you did? For example, when I think of a particular peak experience I realise that that the main factor was that we were not rushed, we had time to flow through many cycles of arousal until we were totally blown away. I realise from this that not feeling time pressure is a condition of good sex for me.

3. Take some time to reflect on your worst sexual experiences. What was it that made it a bad experience? What was it about you, your partner, the situation, and what you did? If I think about this, I think of an occasion when a partner stopped in “mid act” to answer a lengthy call from a client. Big turn off. No interruption is a condition for me.

4. Begin to make a list of your conditions for good sex. Be detailed, specific comprehensive and honest. Make it about you not your partner's needs and conditions. Be selfish! Make it true however weird anything you come up with is. It's about what actually works for you not for you think you ought to want, what your partner wants, what you think you can get. Make the list under the following headings.

5. Me – anything about your state of mind, health, energy situation that is pro good sex.

• Your partners – think about partners in general not just your current lover anything about them, the context of your relationship, their appearance, their state of being, their attitudes, beliefs, behaviours or character that is pro good sex.

• The situation – think about location, time-of-day, circumstances etc.

• Activity – what you actually do before during and after lovemaking that is pro sex. Things you like to receive and give. Your turn-ons, positions you like, etc. Be specific.

Classify all your conditions as essential, desirable, or nice when it happens.

6. Ask yourself. In my life at the moment. To what extent are my essential conditions for good sex being met? Where they are not being met, what are the obstacles getting in the way? What would have to happen for my conditions to be met? What actions can I take now!

Big hint, one of your actions is going to be talk to your partner!

Let me give you a few examples from my own conditions.

Concerning Myself

For me personally, a condition is that I am in good health. I am not very sexual if I have a bug of any kind and I have learned that it is best to say no when I'm feeling under the weather.

Concerning My Partner

For me personally again, I need to feel an emotional connection with a woman to be aroused. I am not saying this is right or wrong, good or bad, it is just how I am. It may be very different for you or another man. But for me emotional connection is a condition.

Concerning the Situation

When it comes to sex I am a daytime person not a night-time person. At night when I'm tired I'm quite capable of falling asleep in the middle of lovemaking. Organising my life so my partner and I can enjoy intimate time during the day has been an important step in ensuring my conditions are met.

Concerning Activity

I don’t like a lot of talking during love making. Words are great when they spontaneously arise, but continuous chatter is a big turn off. Silences yes! This might be quite different for another man.

So, there you have the conditions for good sex exercise. Get to know what you enjoy and make sure it happens. Creating your conditions for good sex will help you to be relaxed and in the pleasure zone - essential requirements for Ejaculatory Freedom.

Here is a great idea. If you are in a couple. Both of you do the exercise and then share. You may be surprised. This has revolutionised lovemaking for some couples.

Setting Clear Goals for Yourself

This program specifically provides a reliable step-by-step method to last longer in bed. So we need to set some specific goals about lasting longer.

Answer the following questions.

1. If you could wave a realistic magic wand and suddenly have reliable and effortless ejaculation control, how would that change your life?

2. What is your current state of ejaculation control?

a) I have premature ejaculation I can usually only last a few seconds or perhaps up to a minute or so.

b) Although I can last a few minutes I tend to ejaculate before I or my partner are really ready.

c) If I'm careful I can last for 10 to 20 minutes but had like to feel more relaxed about it and enjoy longer lovemaking.

d) I can easily sustain lovemaking beyond 20 minutes and feel I have good control but had like to discover the possibilities of non-ejaculatory orgasm and whole-body orgasm.

Now I want you to write down two specific goals. The first goal is specifically about how long you want to be able to last in bed.

E.g. Within three months I sustain penetrative sex for 15 minutes.

Notice how the goal is written in the present tense. It says, "I am able". Not, "I want to be able" or "I will be able". Write your goal as if the outcome is already certain already achieved and there is no possibility of failure. This is very important. The goal should be realistic – not, “I bang away like a porn star stud for two hours without stopping!” It should be specific, i.e. 15 minutes, not, “a bit longer”. It should have a timescale attached to it. Above all it should be a goal that you truly want and can commit too.

Make your second goal about the benefit that lasting longer in bed will bring you. Again make it specific and certain. For example, for a man who has been afraid to get into a relationship because of his premature ejaculation, the goal might be:

In six months’ time, I am in relationship with an attractive woman and enjoying satisfying sexual intimacy with her.

I suggest you write these goals on a card and read them out loud to yourself at the beginning and end of each day adding the words "I commit fully to achieving these goals". Read the card out loud to yourself before doing any of the exercises in this book as well.

Programme Yourself for Success

If you've had issues with premature ejaculation or just not lasting as long as you'd like, or if you worry about how long you're going to last, the chances are you are sabotaging yourself running disaster movies in your head.

You are remembering all the times when you didn't last, you are smarting again with the feelings of shame, feeling the embarrassment of the response of an unsympathetic partner and then imagining it happening all again in your next sexual encounter. You're probably saying to yourself things like "I mustn't come too soon like last time". And the more you think and worry about it the more likely it is that you will come quickly. It's definitely a no-win situation. You have been programming yourself for failure.

So, you've got to stop running Die Hard movies in your head (and of course in your inner movies Bruce Willis doesn't win out!).

The answer is to run success movies in your head. Innumerable studies have shown that visualisation and mental rehearsal activate exactly the same pathways in the brain as when we are actually doing something. In effect visualisation pre-programmes our brain for success. Elite athletes use these techniques to perfect their skill and optimise their performance. You can do the same to pre-programme your brain for Ejaculatory Freedom.

I call this technique The Theatre of The Mind, a phrase coined by pioneer of self-development Maxwell Maltz in the 1960s. In Theatre of The Mind, you literally imagine yourself in a private movie theatre watching movies of your past successes in life and mentally rehearsing, the experiences you wish to have in the future.

Here is the process.

Theatre of the Mind Stage 1

You'll need about 20 minutes to half an hour of quiet undisturbed time. I suggest you sit in a comfortable chair. You can lie down but not if you have a tendency to fall asleep.

Get yourself comfortable and spend a few moments just relaxing your body and clearing your mind. I'm going to be asking you to make pictures in your mind. Some people find this easy to do straightaway. For others, it can be a little bit more challenging but it gets easier very quickly with practice. If your mental pictures are not clear it can be helpful to describe the scene to yourself in words, when you do this the pictures will be there somewhere at the back of your awareness. Just trust!

I want you to imagine that you go through a door into a private cinema. The kind of small screening room that a film director or a Hollywood star might have in their mansion.

Build a picture of this Private movie theatre in your mind. Make it the way you would like it but it's good to make it comfortable and luxurious. Notice the colours, the objects and the furnishings in the room. The three essentials are that there is a screen in front of you, a projection device and you are sitting on a comfortable chair of some sort looking at the screen.

The lights in the room dim and you begin to project images on the screen. These images can be moving images or still images, it doesn't matter.

The images I want you to project are your memories of past successes and peak moments in your life. Times when you have felt really successful, times when you have really achieved something and you're proud of it. Times when you felt really good about yourself. Times when you have been happy or relaxed. They can be big things, little things, recent or a long time ago it doesn't matter just run in your mind an album of memories of your success stories.

Make the images clear and vivid. Notice the details where you are, who is with you, what time of day it is, what the weather is like, bring in the sounds as well as the sights, recall the feelings.

I suggest you start with memories of non-sexual good times and when you are on a roll with this begin to run movies of your peak sexual experiences as well.

Choose one particular memory that feels particularly strong and put it on the screen in front of you. Now imagine yourself getting up out of a chair walking towards the screen and quite literally stepping through the seat screen into the scene so you experience it in three dimensions as if you were back there feeling the feelings, hearing the sounds, seeing the sites, also bringing in smell and taste and really connect with how your body feels to be back in that scene.

Enjoy this scene for as long as you like and when you feel ready comeback out of the screen back to your seat in the movie theatre and then let the screen go blank again when you feel ready open your eyes have a stretch and come back to everyday reality.

Theatre of the Mind Stage II

When you've had a little practice with the stage I of Theatre of the Mind move on to stage II.

Go into the theatre of the mind in the same way and run a few past success memory movies to recall those positive, winning feelings.

Then create a movie in your mind based on one of your goals. For example, if your goal was about getting into a loving relationship. Dream a little story about this. You might picture yourself with the woman of your dreams perhaps enjoying a date together. Dining in a posh restaurant. Walking hand-in-hand. Necking in the taxi. In a hotel room enjoying "gourmet" sex together. Lying in each other's arms enjoying closeness and intimacy.

This is your story, you are the film director so rerun the movie editing it so it is exactly how you want it to be.

Run the movie a few times in your mind.

If your goal is about how long you last. Run a movie in your mind in which you are making love to your partner or to a beautiful desirable woman. It could go like this:

After long indulgent foreplay it is the moment when you enter. You are feeling calm and relaxed and enjoying the experience. You enter her slowly and carefully and for a few moments remain still just enjoying the sensations of being inside her. You begin to move slowly and carefully still enjoying the feelings and the sensations. After a little while you slow down and you're still again for a few moments. You remain calm relaxed and focused on the pleasurable sensations throughout your body. You begin moving again a little faster and stronger this time but staying relaxed and calm in the pleasure zone. There is no feeling of rush no sense of urgency for either of you to finish. Again you come to stillness. When you feel ready you begin moving again this time more strongly more powerfully and when you feel ready you just let go completely into the movement you let your body do its thing and at the moment when you feel completely ready you let go into a powerful fall release enjoying the intense feelings.

Take a few moments to enjoy and rerun this scene. When you are ready, return to the imagined movie theatre and then to every reality again.

You should do the Theatre of The Mind several times a week throughout this programme.

If you would like a guided version, click on this link.

Silencing the Inner Critic

In the privacy of our own head we say the most terrible things to ourselves. Things we would never say or think of another person. We all have that critical voice in our heads telling us we're no good, we can't do it, and we don't deserve it.

Meet Your Inner Critic.

In this section, you’re going to learn about how your inner critic can sabotage your success and hold you back from achieving all that you are capable of. I'm going to show you a very simple and effective way to shut your inner critic up.

So, listen out for all those negative judgements about you and sex. The voice saying “I'm no good in bed, I don't last very long, I've always had premature ejaculation, I always will have it. You'll just come the moment you enter her, you've got no control, remember what happened last time? That just can happen again isn't it, so there's no point in even trying”.

Stop and make a list of all the critical judgements you make about yourself, your sexual abilities, about how long you last in bed. Get to really hear what the inner critic is saying.

But from now on you are not going to let the bastard get away with it. You are going to tell him to shut up, you are going to argue back and you are going to create a new voice in your head that is going to say real and positive things. You are going to keep doing this until the inner critic gives up.

I have a technique for you to use in your battle against the inner critic. It's called the CRAFT technique because CRAFT is an acronym for the five stages of the technique: Cancel - Replace - Affirm - Focus - Train.

Here is the CRAFT technique.

Whenever you become aware of a negative, thought, image or memory about coming too soon.

First CANCEL Just say firmly and clearly to yourself “cancel”.

Then argue with the thought! Often, it’s like there is a spiteful demon sitting on your shoulder judging and criticising and telling you that you are no good, will never be any good.

Argue with it. Knock that demon off your shoulder and put it in its place. Do this out loud if you can, or at least speak the words in clearly in your head as you REPLACE its unhelpful negatives with a realistic positives.

“OK, it’s true I’ve tended to come fast in the past and that has rocked my confidence. That was then. Now it’s different. I’m acquiring new habits now. I’m learning the skill of good control and I’m rebuilding my confidence. I’m already feeling better and soon I’m going to have good control. I’m going to be able to last a good 20 minutes of pleasurable love making”

AFFIRM repeatedly “I have good control. I can last 20 minutes. Calm, easy and slow is the way”

Then make a clear mental picture of just that: you enjoy long tension free love making. Make it a goooood picture! FOCUS on that image.

Then, wherever you are, TRAIN, get your body and mind into CALM, EASY, SLOW motion. Take a deep breath in through the nose, hold it for a moment and let it out through the mouth calm, easy and slow. As you breathe out just scan your body from head to foot. Notice how good it feels just to stop for a moment, breathe and relax.

Make, calm, easy and slow your new habit.

Key Take Home from This Chapter

Creating a positive mind towards Ejaculatory Freedom is the essential first step. This chapter has given you five power techniques:

• Creating a strong sexual self-image.

• Creating your ideal conditions for good sex.

• Setting clear goals.

• Programming yourself for success with the Theatre of the Mind.

• Silencing the inner critic

Use these techniques regularly throughout your programme.

SECTION 4

FOUNDATION EXERCISES

Chapter 10

Calm Body Calm Mind

The foundation of Ejaculatory Freedom

Relaxation, awareness and good breathing are the foundations of Ejaculatory Freedom. In this chapter, I am going to give you detailed instructions for a powerful set of exercises that achieve all three: relaxation, awareness and good breathing. This set of exercises are called Calm Body Calm Mind. This exercise teaches you how to drop instantly into a calm, relaxed focused state.

I suggest that you practice these exercises daily for a week before you move onto the next chapter. They are easy, enjoyable and will benefit your sense of wellbeing as a whole.

Part 1 - Seven Eleven Breathing

This exercise is most easily mastered lying down. Make sure you do not have any tight constrictive clothing (belts, waistbands etc.).

1. Lie on your back with your knees bent. Place your hand on your belly.

2. Exhale completely and as you do so pull in your abdominal muscles so your navel sinks back towards your spine. Pause a moment.

3. Inhale slowly by pushing down on your diaphragm and expanding your belly like a balloon. IMPORTANT - your chest should not move - only your belly should expand. Pause at the end of the inhalation.

4. Repeat the whole cycle.

5. As you inhale focus all your awareness on the sensation of the cool air coming in through your nostrils. Think the word “IN” to yourself. Feel your body expanding and being energised by the air coming in.

6. As you breathe out, focus your attention on the feeling of your whole body relaxing. Think the word “OUT”. Whenever you mind wanders just come back to “IN” and “OUT”.

7. When you’ve done a few rounds and the basic mechanics of the breath feel right, add in these refinements:

• Breathe in through the nose to a count of 7 with a slight “Ahhhhh” sound

• Hold the breath a moment.

• Breath out through the mouth with a slight “Ahhhh” sound to a count of 11

Do this for at least 5 minutes twice a day during the first week.

Part 2 - The Body Scan

When you’ve got into a good groove with the breathing, keep the rhythm of the breathing going, nice and even and relaxed and begin to progressively scan your body, feeling the sensations and imaging each body part relaxing on the out breath.

Scan each arm from fingers to shoulder

Scan both arms

Scan each leg from toes to hip

Scan both legs

Scan your back from the pelvis to the neck

Scan your neck head face and throat

Scan the front of your torso from your chest to your belly

Scan the whole body

By “scan” I mean focus your awareness on the body part and tune into the sensations and feeling in that part. Don’t try to analyse or think about it, don’t judge whether it feel ok or uncomfortable - simply feel it.

It may help to imagine that the body part you are scanning is like a balloon deflating, or that it is growing heavier but you will most likely find that just by tuning into the feelings in a particular body part, you will find it relaxing automatically.

When your mind wanders just come back to where you were in the scan and carry on.

Part 3 - Affirmation

When you are beginning to feel relaxed in your body from the breathing and the body scan, add this:

With your eyes shut, defocus and gaze into nothingness. Slowing and calmly repeat the words CALM BODY CALM MIND over and over.

After a few sessions of practicing like this the words CALM BODY CALM MIND will become a trigger for feelings of relaxation that you can use in any situation to instantly relieve tension.

Part 4 - The Calm Body Calm Mind Quick Version

When you’ve practiced the long method a few times begin to practice the quick version as well. You can do this many times during your day whenever you need to relax, decompress and refocus.

1. Take one long deep breath.

2. For the duration of the out breath quickly scan your body from head to foot.

3. As you breathe say “CALM BODY CALM MIND”.

You will soon find that doing any one of these, the breath, the scan or the words will bring you immediately into a relaxed state.

Key Take Home from This Chapter

Practice the four parts of Calm Body Calm Mind:

• Seven Eleven Breathing.

• The Body Scan.

• The Affirmation.

• The Quick Version.

Over time you will be able to drop into a calm present state even when making love and use this state to delay ejaculation.

Chapter 11

Wisdom from the ancient Chinese Master Lovers

The Deer Exercise

In this chapter, I am going to share with you a traditional sexual kungfu exercise called the Deer Exercise. This was one of the first practices I was taught by my Chinese Taoist teachers when I first began to learn sexual kungfu.

The deer, wild, proud, free, strong and rampant, is a powerful symbol of male potency in Chinese culture. The Deer Exercise is simple but highly effective qigong (Chinese energetic exercise) practice for restoring and maintaining virility. It was introduced to the West by Stephen T Chang in his book: The Complete System of Chinese Self – healing.

The exercise has four main benefits

• It strengthens the pelvic floor muscles which is very beneficial for developing Ejaculatory Freedom.

• It directs the flow of sexual energy up spreading pleasure through your body rather than letting it flow down and out in ejaculation.

• It is a foundation for the techniques used in the solo practices and partner practices in section 5 of this book.

• Many men have seen big improvements in both ejaculatory control and erectile strength using this exercise alone.

You should practice this exercise daily throughout your programme. It only takes 3-5 minutes.

How to Do the Deer Exercise

Posture

Traditionally the Deer Exercise is performed sitting on the floor in a meditation posture with the legs bent so the heel of one foot is pressed against the perineum (the area between the genitals and anus). If you can manage this posture, that's great, but for many men this will be difficult. As an alternative you can sit on a chair. Use an upright chair like a dining chair and sit well forward on the chair so that your genitals are hanging down. Have your legs well apart. You should be naked, on the bottom half of your body at least, but cover yourself with a blanket if it is chilly.

Practice

There are three parts to the Deer Exercise.

1. Preparation

Sit quietly for a few moments and relax your body. Let go of your mental chatter and regulate your breath by breathing slowly and smoothly into your belly, in and out through your nose. Do not force or strain your breath.

2. Warming the cauldron

You need to make your hands very warm. Rub them vigorously together until they are glowing. Now with one hand cup your scrotum and testicles. With the other hand, rub your belly in circles 81 times. Rub slightly faster than once a second with the intention of making the area between your pubic bone and your belly button feel very warm. Swap the hands over and repeat.

While you are doing the rubbing keep breathing into the belly and also keep your attention on the area just below your belly button. You can also visualise or imagine a fire being kindled deep in your belly. This area just below your belly button is called the lower Dantien in Chinese and is regarded as a cauldron in which we can accumulate sexual energy.

If we look at this from a more western point of view, the rubbing, breathing and visualisation all help to increase the flow of blood and sensitivity of the nerves in the pelvic and genital area.

Why 81 times? The number of repetitions is not critical. 81, 9×9 is considered to be an auspicious number in Chinese culture. Nine represents pure Yang or masculine energy, so 9×9 is a lot of Yang. It doesn't matter if you lose count but you want to rub for at least a minute with each hand.

3. Raising the fire

Now pull up on your pelvic floor muscles firmly and hold this contraction for as long as you can. When you feel the muscles beginning to tire then relax them completely. It is critically important that you do completely relax your pelvic floor muscles when you finish the contraction.

While you are contracting remember to keep breathing. Visualise a column of fire or light rising through the core of your body first to your heart and then to the centre of your brain. When you release the contraction and relax imagine the heat and light spreading out through every cell of your body.

How long you hold contraction for will depend on the strength of your pelvic floor muscles. If you have not trained these muscles before they may tire after just a few seconds. You want to build up over a period of time until you can comfortably hold a strong contraction for at least a minute and ideally to 2 to 3 minutes.

Strong pelvic floor muscles most particularly the perineal coxygeal muscle (P C muscle), are essential to achieving and maintaining a hard erection and developing ejaculation control.

The physical contraction and release coupled with the visualisation trains you to experience sexual energy flowing upward through our body rather than being released out with ejaculation. This lays the foundation for experiencing whole-body orgasm rather than just genital orgasm.

Frequency and Timing

The entire exercise takes no more than five minutes. If you have more time you can repeat the entire thing two more times. There's no real benefit in going beyond that. Early morning or last thing at night the ideal times to do the Deer Exercise.

The Deer Exercise in a Nutshell

1. Sit on a chair naked so that your genitals are hanging freely. Take some time to relax and focus yourself.

2. Rub your hands until they are very warm. Cup your testicles with one hand rub your lower belly 81 times with the other hand. Swap hands and repeat.

3. Contract your pelvic floor muscles strongly for as long as you can. Relax.

4. Make the Deer Exercise a daily practice.

SECTION 5

STEP BY STEP PROGRAMME FOR EJACULATORY FREEDOM

Chapter 12

Solo Practice Programme

Ejaculatory Freedom is a skill, and like any skill, it takes time and practice to master. It also requires a gradual, step by step progression so the skill becomes second nature. Think of how a musician would learn an instrument or a sportsman perfect their technique.

This chapter presents you with a step by step approach in eleven stages that will give you a strong foundation in Ejaculatory Freedom.

Guidelines for Practice

Here are some guidelines for training using the sequence.

1. You need to have read the introductory chapters and done the mind-set exercises in Section 2 of this book.

2. You need to be familiar with and able to use the Calm Body Calm Mind and Deer Exercise techniques in Section 3.

3. You need to set aside about 20-30 minutes between 3-5 times a week to practice the sequence.

4. You will need a quiet, private warm space where you will not be disturbed.

5. You need to be comfortable with the idea of masturbating and pleasuring yourself in ways that are different to your habitual patterns.

6. You should never do these exercises and watch porn at the same time.

7. You should not do these exercises when you have been drinking alcohol excessively or you are under the influence of any other recreational drug.

8. Stay with each exercise until you are comfortable with it. Do not move on to the next part of the sequence until you are ready.

Technique 1 -The Point of No Return

Awareness is the foundation of Ejaculatory Freedom. The first practice technique is to help you simply become more aware of what arousal and ejaculation feel like.

1. Do the Calm Body Calm Mind technique to relax and get centred.

2. Do a round of the Deer Exercise.

3. Begin to pleasure yourself in an easy relaxed way. Do not fantasise, do not use porn. Your attention should be completely on the physical sensations in your body and your penis in particular.

4. Do not try to hold back or delay your ejaculation, just let it happen but pay very close attention to the sensations you are experiencing.

5. Pay particular attention to the point of no return. The moment ejaculation become inevitable. Over a number of sessions become familiar with the sensations just before the point of no return and the point of no return itself, noticing how these stages feel different.

6. Repeat this exercise several times until you can reliably be aware of the stage before the point of no return.

Technique 2 - The Traffic Light System

After practicing Technique 1 for a few sessions, you should be getting much more aware of the sensations of arousal, excitement, point of no return and ejaculation and getting used to the idea of masturbating with the focus on sensations rather than fantasy. It’s now time to take things a stage further.

The key idea in this technique is to become even clearer about your level of arousal at any point. The system I have created for this is called the Traffic Light System. I have found that this system really helps my clients get a strong sense of control.

Traffic lights in the streets have three colours. I’ve added one more. Each colour represents a level of arousal from not aroused to the point of no return. Here’s how it goes:

WHITE

Neutral. Any sensations that you are experiencing are just neutral, not arousing, sexual or pleasurable.

GREEN

Pleasurable, aroused sexual sensations but relaxed and easy going.

AMBER

Heightened pleasure with feelings of excitement. Feeling like you are closer to the edge, to losing control.

RED

At or beyond the point of no return

Here is your first traffic light exercise.

1. Take some time to relax with the Calm Body Calm Mind technique.

2. Do a round of the Deer Exercise.

3. Begin to pleasure yourself in a slow relaxed way pay attention to which colour of the traffic light system you are in White, Green or Amber.

4. The aim is to stay mainly in GREEN and enjoy and fully experience this level of arousal.

5. When you feel you are moving up into AMBER, slow down, reduce the level of stimulation or even stop and breathe for a few moments until you are down to WHITE.

6. Continue through several cycles of WHITE-GREEN-AMBER-GREEN-WHITE.

7. Continue until either you feel like stopping or you go past AMBER into RED and ejaculation happens. When you hit RED do not hold back in any way. Completely surrender to the feeling of release as you move up into RED.

It’s really important to stay relaxed about how long you last. At this stage in the training you are not trying to push the boundaries. If you only manage one cycle at first, that is fine. If you stay relaxed and aware, you will soon last for more cycles.

Don’t try to push up too far into AMBER. Drop back to GREEN or WHITE as soon as you feel you are entering AMBER. Err on the cautious side.

Keep your focus on awareness of the actual sensations you are experiencing. Avoid fantasising and do not look at porn.

Being in GREEN feels good. Not awesome maybe, but good. Enjoy the pleasurable sensations you are experiencing in the GREEN zone for their own sake.

When you stop and relax back into WHITE, feel you way back into the Calm Body Calm Mind state. It doesn't matter if you lose your erection. You will soon get it back!

Technique 3 -The Conscious Choice

This one might seem counter intuitive, but it is VERY important.

It is also very simple.

Up to now, you’ve just been letting nature take its course. You pleasure yourself and at some point the pressure gets too much and you ejaculate.

What we are going to add in now, is a conscious choice to ejaculate or not to ejaculate. Remember that one of the key ideas of Ejaculatory Freedom is that unless you’ve gone past the point of no return, you always have choice about whether you ejaculate or not. In this exercise you are practicing making that choice. You are challenging the belief that ejaculation is the inevitable and only outcome of stimulation.

Sometimes you will choose to ejaculate. Sometimes you will choose not to ejaculate. The point is that either way, you make a conscious choice.

You don’t need to do this every time, but throw it in fairly regularly in your practice schedule.

1. At some point during a self-pleasuring session, make a conscious choice to ejaculate. Crank yourself up through AMBER to RED without any holding back.

2. At another time in another session, make a conscious choice NOT to ejaculate. Bring yourself down to WHITE and end the session. It might feel odd at first. You may feel unsatisfied, or get “blue balls”. Just get on with your life and distract yourself with work, or exercise etc.

Technique 4 - 15 Minutes

This one is a simple extension of the Traffic Light Technique

1. Take some moments get into the Calm Body Calm Mind state.

2. Briefly go into the theatre of the mind and visualise yourself doing Technique 2, The Traffic Light for 15 minutes without ejaculating.

3. Set a timer to 15 minutes.

4. Do Traffic Light for 15 minutes without ejaculating.

When the timer goes off, make a choice: a) Let go and crank up to RED b) Carry on for a while because you are enjoying it. c) Stop without ejaculating. Get back to Calm Body Calm Mind and massage your belly and groin area until you have calmed down and then go and do something different

Technique 5 - Random Stops and Starts

This technique interrupts the familiar race to the finish line allowing you to enjoy the scenery along the way. You’ll be experiencing two pleasure states, an active state where you are stimulating and your sexual energy is building up, and a passive state where you are still and enjoying the sensations in your body without active stimulation.

1. Take a few moments go into Calm Body Calm Mind.

2. Do a round of the Deer Exercise.

3. Go briefly into the theatre of the mind and visualise yourself masturbating on and off for fifteen minutes without ejaculating.

5. Masturbate slow and easy but stop every now and then for random lengths of time. Stop for a few seconds, for between 10 and 40 seconds, or for a minute or more. When you stop, just relax and be easy, go into Calm Body Calm Mind but mainly enjoy the sensations you are feeling in your body at that specific moment. It doesn't matter if you lose your erection.

The key thing with this exercise is that you don’t just stop when you are up in AMBER and you are getting too aroused. Stop at any time in WHITE or GREEN or AMBER. Just get used to the idea of stopping and varying how long you stop for.

Technique 6 - Different Strokes for Different Folks

This technique brings in a new aspect: exploring the sensations of different types of strokes. With habitual and unmindful masturbation, we tend to fall back on a very limited range of strokes and kinds of touch, often just an up and down “wanking” motion. This particular motion is likely to move us quickly up towards RED.

There are in fact an almost limitless number of ways to stimulate your genitals by manual stroking. You can vary the speed, the length, the strength, and the direction of strokes as well as the area you are focusing on: the head of the penis, the shaft, the front or back, the balls and scrotum etc. You can discover an almost limitless variety of pleasurable sensations by being very inventive with how you stimulate yourself.

1. Get relaxed with Calm Body, Calm Mind.

2. Do a round of the Deer Exercise.

3. Begin to pleasure yourself. Stay in GREEN and AMBER as much as you can but the emphasis is not on how long you last, but on exploring the range of pleasurable sensations that are possible by varying the kind of strokes you are using and the parts of your genitals you are stimulating. Be inventive. Try different things. Imagine how a really skilful and loving partner might stimulate you. Above all just be in the pleasure zone without trying to get anywhere.

Technique 7 - Fine Tuning

Up to now, you’ve been prolonging pleasuring by completely stopping stimulation. You’ve also been just edging from GREEN to AMBER and back. Now you are going to take things a stage further. Instead of always stopping and starting to control your arousal, you are going to use variation in your strokes to prolong the experience of pleasure. You are exploring how subtle variations in how you stimulate yourself can bring back down to GREEN when you are at the upper end of AMBER and heading towards RED. Over time, the idea is to become more used to being in the AMBER zone and still relaxed and in control.

1. Relax into Calm Body Calm Mind.

2. Do a round of the Deer Exercise.

3. Go briefly into the theatre of the mind and visualise yourself masturbating without breaks and staying more in AMBER and just dropping down to GREEN when you really need to.

4. Masturbate slow and easy moving between GREEN and AMBER. Instead of stopping completely when you need to cool down, experiment with subtler changes in the kind of stroke, speed, and strength. You are trying to find small adjustments that just allow you to ease off.

5. The aim now is to spend more time in AMBER and only drop down to GREEN as far as is necessary to prevent going into RED. It’s about staying in the GREEN-AMBER pleasure zone in a calm and easy way.

6. You can choose to finish by going up into RED and ejaculating or dropping down to WHITE and not ejaculating.

Technique 8 - Breathing

Through regular practice of Seven Eleven breathing you will have become aware of the power of breathing to calm and relax you. Full and relaxed breathing is a powerful aid to Ejaculatory Freedom. You’ll be getting more experience of this with this technique.

1. Relax into Calm Body Calm Mind.

2. Do a round of the Deer Exercise.

3. Begin to pleasure yourself slow and easy using stops and starts and varying strokes to keep you in the GREEN AMBER pleasure zone.

4. Throughout this exercise keep deep relaxed easy belly breathing going, breathing out through the mouth and noticing how the out breath relaxes and releases tension from the whole body.

5. If you find you are getting too aroused, stop and breathe yourself back to an easy GREEN.

Technique 9 - The Big Squeeze

All the exercises you have done so far are based on relaxation and awareness. Essentially, they are conditioning you to stay relaxed, ease off when things get too hot and staying in the GREEN AMBER pleasure zone. This exercise is different. It is in fact based on the Deer Exercise and uses a very strong contraction to overload your nervous system and interrupt your arousal. The Big Squeeze works really well at the upper end of AMBER as long as you haven’t actually gone past the point of no return into RED.

1. Relax into Calm Body Calm Mind.

2. Do a round of the Deer Exercise.

3. Stimulate yourself up through GREEN and into AMBER.

4. Take a deep breath and as you breathe out pull up strongly on your pelvic floor muscles and pull your belly in. Feel like you are squeezing and tightening your whole body.

5. Release and repeat two more times, so you do three contractions.

6. Repeat if necessary until your arousal has dropped right down to the bottom end of GREEN or into WHITE.

7. Begin to stimulate yourself again and repeat the whole process.

Technique 10 - The Little Squeeze

Once you have experience with the Big Squeeze you can use the same principle in a more refined way to make subtle adjustments in your level of arousal.

1. Relax into Calm Body Calm Mind.

2. Do a round of the Deer Exercise.

3. Stimulate yourself up through GREEN and into AMBER.

4. Experiment with using much lighter, shorter gentler pelvic floor contractions to adjust the level of your arousal. It’s is like using a little squeeze here and there to interrupt and slow your arousal. Feel as if you are drawing the sexual energy up through your body.

5. Continue for as long as you like and make a conscious choice as to how to end the session.

Technique 11 - Using a Fleshlight

The previous ten techniques have led you through a very gradual process of becoming more aware of your arousal patterns and more in control. At this stage you will most likely find that you can comfortably sustain self-pleasuring for 10-20 minutes and feel that you have real choice about when you choose to ejaculate.

Masturbation feels different to actual penetrative intercourse. The next stage is to make your training more realistic. For this you will need to purchase a male masturbation toy.

There are many such toys available from online adult stores. Most of them consist of a soft silicon tube shaped in the form of a vagina that can be lubricated and used to pleasure yourself.

The brand I recommend is called Fleshlight in which the silicon “vagina” is enclosed within a discrete torch shaped casing. They are widely available and cost around £40-60. There are many models, but the standard one is perfectly suited to your training. You will need to purchase lubricant and a cleaning kit along with the Fleshlight. Always follow the manufacturer’s instructions for using and cleaning the toy.

The big advantage of the Fleshlight is that it is as close as you can get to actual physical sensation of your penis being inside a woman’s vagina, short of being with a woman. Of course it is not the same! You do not have her emotional and spiritual presence, her warmth, her whole delicious body, her fragrance, her voice, her movement, but the Fleshlight is a useful halfway house in your training in Ejaculatory Freedom.

The Fleshlight is also slightly limited in the ways you can move when you are using it, but again it is still a useful stage in your training.

The sensation of a warm lubricated tube enclosing your penis will significantly increase the levels of stimulation and excitement. When you start using the Fleshlight you will do best to go back to basics and build up your control.

Here is my suggested practice routine.

1. Relax into Calm Body Calm Mind.

2. Do a round of the Deer Exercise.

3. Stimulate yourself by hand until you are erect and in GREEN.

4. Begin by making contact only with the outer lips of the Fleshlight. Stay tuned into your sensations, keep breathing and explore what the warm soft lubricated material feels like. Practice easing back and pausing if the sensations feel too strong.

5. Insert your penis very slowly deeper into the Fleshlight, going only as deep as feels comfortable, pausing and breathing whenever you need to reduce the level of arousal.

6. When you are fully inserted pause for longer. Be fully aware of all the sensations and feelings throughout your body, breath and get comfortable with just being there.

7. Begin with small gentle slow movements using any of the techniques from the previous exercises to keep yourself comfortably in GREEN.

8. Over time and a number of practice sessions gradually build the intensity moving back and forth between GREEN and AMBER and experimenting with how you can use the Fleshlight to create different strokes and different sensations. Keep you focus on staying aware, calm and in the pleasure zone.

9. Make ejaculation a conscious choice and when you make that choice let go completely into the release.

The first few times you use the Fleshlight, you are probably going to ejaculate quite quickly. That’s ok. Give yourself full permission to do that until you get more familiar with the sensations and stimulation.

Key Take Home from This Chapter

In this chapter you have learned a progressive set of solo masturbatory exercises that enable you to master all the essential skills of Ejaculatory Freedom. In the next chapter you’ll learn how to apply this new skill when you are with a partner. 

Chapter 13

Gaining Ejaculatory Freedom with Your Partner

Sex, of course, is a partner game. You can do all the mind-set practices in chapter 9, you can do all the solo exercises in chapter 12. These will of course dramatically upgrade your confidence and skill. Then you are going to have to take what you have learned into the bedroom.

One of the biggest helps in developing Ejaculatory Freedom is having a supportive and cooperative partner. Many women will be supportive in this way - they have much to gain!

If you are in this fortunate position you can work together on a structured programme of partner exercises. Part 1 of this chapter sets out a programme based on the one I use with my 1:1 clients.

If you do not have a partner, or your partner is not interested in working with you to gain Ejaculatory Freedom, section 2 sets out strategies for transferring the skill you have built up in your solo practice.

In this chapter I also discuss working with a surrogate partner, which can be a powerful way forward for men who do not have a partner or who have serious fear issues around sex.

How to talk to your Partner

Effective communication with your partner around ejaculation is essential.

This can be tough. We fear humiliation almost more than anything else. Our tendency as men is to hide our problems, deny them or clam up. And it is even tougher if you are a single man trying to date.

This section tells you what you need to know.

16 Tips for Getting Your Partner on Your Side

If you can get your partner on your side while training in Ejaculatory Freedom you will be onto a winner. Most women will be delighted that you are willing and eager to enhance the pleasure both of you get from sex. You will do much better if you are open with your lover about what you are doing than if you do the training in secret.

The following tips will help you have a positive conversation.

1 . Get talking: If you and your partner are not used to talking about sex openly, it is time to start. It is important that both of you understand each other’s conditions for good sex. Doing the Conditions for Good Sex Exercise is a great place to start.

2 . Talk about sex problems away from love making: The time and place for talking is away from love making. Go for a walk. Find a quiet time. One good approach if you do not usually talk about sex is to arrange a time when the two of you will talk. “There’s something I want to talk about that’s important to me, it’s about our love making and how we can make it even better, I’d like us to make a time to talk about this”.

3 . Make it about the two of you , not just about your needs. Let her know how much pleasure love making brings you and how much you want to pleasure her. “I so deeply enjoy our love making, I want us both to be able to experience all the pleasure and closeness that we can.”

4 . Distinguish facts from feelings , state facts and express feelings. “I know that I often don’t last long” (FACT) and that makes me feel inadequate as a lover (FEELING), and I worry that you are not getting the most out of sex that you could (FEELING)”.

5 . Take responsibility but don’t get into self-blame or blaming her. “I think I have an issue with coming too soon” (SELF RESPONSIBILITY) not, “I’m just no good in bed” (SELF BLAME) not, “when you get too excited I can’t hold back” (BLAMING HER).

6 . Listen to her don’t try to read her mind or make assumptions about what she is feeling or what she wants. Ask her about her experiences, ask her about her conditions for good sex.

7. Then express your needs.

8. If she is uninterested or unsympathetic, maybe she’s having a bad day, maybe her own issues are being triggered. Ask her why she is uninterested . There is also the possibility you may simply be with the wrong woman.

9. Share with her the insights you’ve gained from this book.

10. If she is really keen, give her this book to read.

11 . Let her know that you want to pleasure her. Don’t make it just about you .

12 . Let her know how much pleasure she gives you.

13. With a new partner, it is often good to have a “sex talk” before you get as far as the bedroom.

14 . With a new partner, take sex very slowly , get to know each other’s bodies and feelings.

15. Keep a sense of humour. It’s not the end of the world if you come quickly sometimes.

16. Don’t do Little Boy. Little Boy may try to show up as self-pity, “I’m no good in bed, you can’t possibly love me”. Here, Little Boy is really trying to manipulate a positive response from his partner. Above all remember that sex is for pleasure and intimacy. It has nothing to do with your self-worth or your sense of manliness.

The Partner Programme

This programme has been designed for a caring and cooperative couple to work together to achieve longer lasting more satisfying sex. You need to have worked through the solo practices before you begin the partner programme.

The following guidelines are important.

1. Read and discuss each exercise together before you try it. Both of you need to be familiar with the Traffic Light system.

2. Agree a set of clear verbal cues to tell her to stop or start stimulation. Stop, Start, Hold It. More etc.

3. Take time to get comfortable and relaxed before you do the exercise. Hugging, caressing, holding, massage etc. Do whatever is necessary and works for you as a couple to feel relaxed and in the mood. For the later exercises, you may need to pleasure her so she is aroused and ready before you do the exercise.

4. Make sure both of you are in a comfortable position to do the exercises.

5. During the exercise stay focused on your own feelings and sensations, not on your partner. This is crucial.

6. You want to aim to be able to do the exercise for 15-20 minutes. After that, make a conscious choice to ejaculate or not ejaculate. Once you’ve made that choice, let go completely into the release. Do not hold back.

7. Stay with each exercise until you feel comfortable with it. If you run into problems, go back to the previous exercise or the relevant part of the solo practices.

8. Aim to do the exercises two to three times a week.

Technique 1 - Traffic Light with Your Partner Stimulating You By Hand

In this technique, your partner stimulates you by stroking your penis by hand.

1. Your partner stimulates your penis by hand. You give her clear guidance as to how you want to be stroked. As in the solo practice Different Strokes for Different Folks, explore different types of strokes, varying the strength, length, direction and location of the stimulation.

2. Give verbal feedback to her using the Traffic Light system.

3. Ask her to stop whenever you move from GREEN to AMBER.

4. Stay with this practice until you are comfortable at this level of stimulation.

5. When you are comfortable she can begin to use a lubricant, oil or a water based lube to increase the level of stimulation.

6. Gradually begin to extend the time you stay in AMBER.

Technique 2 - Fine Tuning With Your Partner

In this technique, rather than relying on pauses to cool back to GREEN, you ask your partner to subtly vary the pace or kind of stroke to control your ejaculation. Keep giving lots of verbal feedback and experiment to find out what works for you. You can also show her what you have learned in your solo practice.

Technique 3 - Squeeze With Your Partner

Continue as with techniques 1 and 2 but include both the Big Squeeze and the Small Squeeze as way of bringing you back to GREEN.

Technique 4 - Oral stimulation

In this technique your partner stimulates your penis orally and you use any of the techniques, pausing, fine tuning, breathing, The Squeeze to bring yourself back to GREEN.

Technique 5 - Penis Touching the Vagina

When you are aroused and erect, move so that your penis is just touching the outer lips of her vagina. Pause here and just experience this feeling. If you found yourself moving up into AMBER and towards RED, use Calm Body, Calm Mind to bring you back to GREEN.

When you are comfortable with this, experiment with small, slow gentle movements in contact with her vaginal lips. Pause and use Calm Body Calm Mind whenever you need to.

When you are comfortable with this, do the same thing but with her hand guiding and moving your penis. Give plenty of verbal feedback.

Technique 6 - Slow Entry

When you are both ready, using a position that is comfortable for both of you, insert your erect penis just a cm or two into her vagina. Pause for a few seconds, breathe, feel the Calm Body, Calm Mind state and when you are comfortable and in GREEN, go a cm or two further. Continue this way until you are fully inside her.

Keep your attention focused on the sensations, the feeling of texture, warmth and wetness of her vagina. Enjoy being there!

Technique 7 - Just Resting Inside

When you are comfortable entering her, the next stage is to simple rest inside her without moving. Just enjoy being there and getting used to the feeling of being there. Enjoy the sensation of her vagina engulfing and embracing your penis. Breathe and use Calm Body Calm Mind to keep well down in GREEN AMBER.

Technique 8 - Moving Inside

When you can rest comfortably inside her without going to RED, you can begin experimenting with movement. Begin with small, slow gentle movements. Use any of the solo techniques, pausing, fine tuning, breathing, Squeeze to bring yourself down to GREEN whenever things start to get too hot.

You can do this with you moving, or her moving and you giving verbal feedback.

Gradually explore bigger, stronger and faster movements. Experiment with different positions.

What If I Don’t Have A Partner?

Being a single man with ejaculation issues is a tough one. Men react in different ways. I know men who have given up on sex and relationships altogether rather than face humiliation. Other never date for long. Still others just hope for the best and when the problem reoccurs their self-image as no good at sex gets reinforced.

The default position of most men is to hide the problem.

Underlying all this are negative beliefs that need to be recognised and changed.

• I am a failure as a man

• No woman will want to be with me

• I must be undesirable

Remember that sex is about sharing pleasure and intimacy, not about performance and self-worth. For a woman, a man who can last a long time during sex may well be a plus point, but it is unlikely that she will judge you by that alone. There are so many other aspects of who you are that make her feel attracted to you.

Use Theatre of the Mind and the CRAFT technique regularly to challenge your harmful negative beliefs.

If you have issues with premature ejaculation, I believe that it is always worth talking about this early in the relationship. If she is put off by this and doesn’t want to date you any more, let go and move on. She was not the right woman for you.

Most often, you will be surprised by how understanding and accepting she is. Very likely, you will find you have a caring and cooperative lover with whom you can do the partner programme.

The worst possible thing is to try to bluff it out.

Your best strategy is to work conscientiously on solo exercises in this book. Become accustomed to Calm Body, Calm Mind, so you can get relaxed, centred and in your body quickly and easily. Use the mind-set techniques regularly to reinforce positive beliefs and practices the solo masturbation techniques, particularly the Fleshlight exercise until you can comfortably sustain 15-20 minutes of stimulation.

Then, when you are with a woman, bear the following tips in mind.

16 Tips to Last Longer With Your Partner

1. Slow down. The single most important piece of advice I will ever give you.

2. Use a thick condom. This can decrease your sensitivity. It may not feel so good but it will help you get used to the heightened stimulation of actual love making.

3. Use Theatre of the Mind and CRAFT technique to keep your mind-set and self-talk positive.

4. Create ideal conditions. Know your Conditions for Good Sex and make sure they are happening.

5. Communicate. Particularly with a new partner, communication is essential. You are learning about each other’s body and feelings. Tell her if you are on the edge.

6. Be aware of when you become over excited or fearful and use Calm Body, Calm Mind to bring back to relaxation.

7. Enjoy long foreplay. Don’t rush into penetrative sex, indulge in a rich smorgasbord of hors d’oeuvres.

8. Forget Pornstar. Don’t try to perform, show off or impress her. Just be you.

9. Enter gradually. Don’t just thrust in. Go in slowly and gently, getting used to the sensations. Remember to use deep relaxed breathing to calm you down.

10. Wait inside her. When you are inside her, be still for a while before you start thrusting. It can be a magical moment. Eye contact is great.

11. Start with small slow movements. Again, slow down.

12. Use both grinding and thrusting movements. Thrusting is in and out movements. Grinding is circular movements which do not slide in and out. Grinding movements feel good to both of you but are less stimulating to you, so you can last longer. I explore this in more depth in my second book, 1000 Loving Thrusts, to be published soon.

13. Use the Traffic Light system. Try to stay in GREEN as much as you can and cycle up and down from AMBER.

14. Use the big squeeze and other techniques from the solo practices.

15. When you are ready, make a positive choice to ejaculate. When you do ejaculate don’t hold back.

16. Withdraw slowly and gently, stay in physical connection.

Orgasmic Hijacking and How to Avoid It with a Partner

Orgasmic hijacking occurs when a man becomes over excited or over involved with his lover’s arousal and orgasm.

As a man you will most likely find your partner’s arousal deeply exciting. The way she moves and breathes, the sounds she makes, the reddening of her skin, her erect nipples, her wetness, her ability to surrender and let go and go into the flow of her sexual pleasure are very potent turn-ons.

This is a beautiful and a very rich part of the experience of lovemaking and sexual intimacy. You are privileged to witness something that is truly magical and sacred.

The danger for men is that we become so focused on our lover that we lose touch with our own body, our own feelings and our own pleasure.

For some men it is more that he becomes so focused on pleasuring his lover on “giving” her an orgasm that he takes no responsibility for his own pleasure and satisfaction. This is particular the case with men who have been brought up in a strong feminist ethic. In the tantric sex scene too there is a tendency for men to believe that their primary role is to worship and pleasure the Goddess, i.e. the woman.

Now this is true, but only half true. In a balanced relationship both partners take responsibility for their own pleasure while pleasuring each other.

I went through a phase where orgasmic hijacking was an issue for me. I am a natural empath. I feel other people's thoughts and emotions easily and directly sometimes to the point where they could obscure my sense of my own identity. With my lover, when she entered a really deep level of orgasmic arousal, I could get so caught up in her energetic release that I went there too. I felt everything that she felt. I almost became her. Sometimes I ended up ejaculating when she is still in full flow. In effect I came for her, but prematurely, I’d hijacked her orgasm.

To look at it the other way round, when a woman is in her full power, her sexual charge can be overwhelming and literally pulls an ejaculation out of the man. So at the end of the day, it's hard to say who has hijacked whom. In a truly open and intimate relationship, orgasmic hijacking can show up from time to time and can be openly explored as part of the journey towards deeper intimacy. It was this way for me and my lover.

The learning for me was about staying present to my own body and my own power. If a man can stay cool and hold presence through his lover's arousal, both partners can ultimately experience a profoundly deeper merging and surrender.

Working with clients over many years, I have realised that orgasmic hijacking is a common issue for men. It can be a big trap when developing Ejaculatory Freedom, because if you are overly focused on your lover you can lose self-awareness and easily become over excited.

The pioneering sex therapist, the late Bernie Zeibergeld wrote about the phenomenon of orgasmic hijacking back several decades ago, although he didn’t use that term. He suggested a Theatre of the Mind type practice where you vividly visualise your partner going all the stages of her arousal to an intense orgasmic release while repeating the mantra:

“Her excitement is not my excitement. Her passion is not my passion. She’s doing her thing but I have to do my own, focusing on my own feelings”

Learning Ejaculatory Freedom with a Surrogate

For men overcoming serious premature ejaculation issues particularly where there a deep emotional issues involved, a sexual surrogate partner may help to bridge the challenging gap back into a satisfying intimate relationship. Surrogacy is a possible way forward where a man feels a lot of fear and anxiety around intimacy and relationships.

A surrogate partner is a professional therapist who serves as a stand-in partner with whom to explore and practice physical and emotional intimacy skills. The therapy may include sexual intercourse where this is appropriate although touching, communication skills, relationship skills and relaxation techniques are just as important. Surrogates usually work in conjunction with a sex therapist or psychologist although they themselves are usually qualified in counselling and sex.

Surrogacy has been around since the 1970s as a legitimate profession although there are in fact, very few surrogates available to work with clients, and few sex therapists who work with surrogates. Surrogates are not prostitutes but are well trained and caring individuals are in touch with their own sexuality and offer this work as a healing service.

If you feel this kind of therapy would help you, you would do best to work with a counsellor or sexuality therapist to explore the wider context of your issues and decide if and when surrogacy would be the right way forward. The cost of surrogacy is usually very high. I work with a small network of surrogates to whom I can refer clients where appropriate after they have work 1:1 with me on the underlying issues.

Could I just go to a prostitute? First, I want to say that I am making no moral judgement about the world’s oldest profession. Many prostitutes are conscientious and offer a professional service to their clients. In today’s world prostitution seem to serve a necessary purpose for both their clients and probably for the sex workers themselves. We would do well to decriminalise and properly regulate the profession.

However, for a man wishing to overcome premature ejaculation, a visit to a prostitute is unlikely to be helpful. Firstly, what prostitutes are selling is a fantasy experience not a genuine experience of lovemaking and intimacy. They are selling the “sizzle” not the “sausage”. Secondly, the fantasy served by prostitution will reinforce the habits of Cave Man and Mr Alpha. These are the qualities you need to control, if you are going to gain Ejaculatory Freedom. Thirdly, a prostitute is not trained in the therapeutic methods that will help you overcome premature ejaculation. Finally, many prostitutes want to keep their time with a client as short as possible. They are adept at making you ejaculate quickly.

Key take Home from This Chapter

There is a lot in this chapter. You’ve learned:

• How to approach and talk to your partner about developing ejaculatory freedom.

• How to practice with a cooperative partner to increase your Ejaculatory Freedom.

• How to approach things if you don’t have a partner.

• The risks of orgasmic hijacking and how to avoid them.

• When a sexual surrogate partner is appropriate.

In the next and last chapter we are going to review and draw together all that we have learned.

SECTION 6

WHERE DO YOU GO FROM HERE?

Chapter 13

Summary

Review

Let’s review in outline everything we have covered in this book.

Section 1 set the scene. I told you my story and the stories of some of my clients. I gave you advice about how best to use this book as a programme to gain Ejaculatory Freedom.

In Section 2 , I introduced you to Caveman, your basic biological programme and to Little Boy, your unconscious beliefs and habits. You learned that over excitement, fear and lack of attention were primary causes of premature ejaculation.

But I also introduced the Mind of Ejaculation, our addiction to the “hit” of ejaculation and how that can be a major obstacle in gaining Ejaculatory Freedom.

We concluded Section 2 by installing three powerful beliefs about sex that will greatly help you last longer in bed. These were, pleasure not release, presence not performance, and reality not fantasy. This chapter also gave advice about what to do if you have serious porn habit – a big obstacle is lasting longer.

Section 3 looked at mind set and gave you a powerful set of tools using mental imagery and affirmation to get you thinking and feeling like a Master lover.

Section 4 taught you two foundation exercises, Calm Body Calm Mind and the Deer exercise. Even when you’ve finished with this programme these two exercises will continue to enhance your life both in and out of the bedroom.

Section 5 is the actual practice programmes, first with solo masturbation exercises and then with a partner. There is also a lot of useful information on how to integrate what you have learned in this book into your love life.

If you have worked through the book slowly and systematically you will have all the skills you need to overcome premature ejaculation and enjoy prolonged and tension free love making.

Towards Real Sex

To possess Ejaculatory Freedom is a great skill and resource but it is not the whole picture. Ejaculatory Freedom is a gateway to what my teacher Shakti Malan calls real sex or conscious sex.

She is referring to the feeling that there is something deeper about sex than the mere satisfaction of need, or a pleasant form of entertainment. I know a lot of men glimpse this. As I so often say, sex is really important to men. So many men think about sex as if it’s something truly sacred but act sexually as if it is a form of entertainment. They sense but do not know where to find the gateway to this deeper transcendental level of sex. In fact, entering the path of conscious sex calls for a radical and challenging reframing of the meaning of sex.

Real Sex happens when we show up in the bedroom not as Caveman or Little Boy, but as the Superior Man, the Master Lover. As I hinted in Chapter 6, Real Sex starts when we no longer need sex to sooth our emotional wounds or bolster our ego; when we are not just interested in excitement or release when we are not grandstanding or trying to get love; when we are not playing out stories from the past. In Real Sex we can be simply present with our lover, in touch with our needs and hers and enjoying the spontaneous flow of bliss and intimacy in the moment.

Real Sex is when two people come together to experience, through their intimacy and merging, the mystery of life. Real Sex is when you enter a woman, not just with your penis, but with your soul.

For a man, the gateway to Real Sex is the way of the Master Lover. It is treating sex as a kungfu, as an art, a skill, to be mastered and through the mastery to achieve self-mastery and mastery of life. A 2,000 year old Chinese sex manual describes the qualities of the Master Lover precisely:

He is first of all, a man of honour and spirit who meditates deeply and knows himself well.

He honours his woman with devotion, respect and consideration and is sensitive to her arousal.

He has mastered his life force energy and can circulate it through his body and his lover’s body rather than dissipating it in ejaculation.

He is fully present in his body during love making and he has consummate skill in the arts of caressing, kissing and thrusting." (From the Classic of the Plain Girl)

Good sex, great sex, Real Sex comes from a place of emotional maturity and an understanding that it is a skill to be learned.

My next book, 1000 Loving Thrusts - How to Enter A Woman with Your Soul (due to be published late 2017) is an in depth exploration of real, conscious sex from a man’s perspective which focuses specifically on what it means to “enter a woman with your soul”.

I also offer 1:1 coaching to men who are called to follow the Way of The Master Lover. See the last part of this book for more details.

Last Words

My wish is that you’ve enjoyed this book, been inspired and have used the practical exercises to expand your skill, pleasure and confidence in the bedroom.

May I give you one last simple word of advice to keep you on the track of Ejaculatory Freedom?

SLOW DOWN

About Nick Hudis

How A Shy Mr Nice Guy Became A Sexuality Coach and Guide to Other Men

You could say a coach encourages you to dream and then equips you to make those dreams happen.

I've had many dreams and had to overcome a good few obstacles:

• I was the "thick but nice" dyslexic kid who made it to Cambridge University.

• I was the tone-deaf kid who became a classical guitar teacher and wrote reviews for an international music magazine.

• I was the complete clout at school sport who became a martial art instructor.

• I was the painfully shy young man who didn't even have a girlfriend until he was 21 who became a well-known teacher of tantric sexuality at leading workshops at major festivals.

My life has been about dreaming improbable dreams and making them happen

That is a pretty good basis for being a coach!

I've had several successful careers: Archaeologist, guitar teacher, qualified accountant working at a senior level in the city and in government, until a fortuitous redundancy led me to embrace my true mission in natural health and coaching.

However, success was not the whole story.

By my mid 40s the cracks were beginning to show

I hit rock bottom. I was stressed out, working at my limit, unfit and my sexual energy was zero. I was unhappy in my marriage and using porn to zone out. Here was I, a supposedly "spiritual man" , someone others turned to for wisdom and support and yet inside I was a total mess .

Something inside me screamed STOP. I did and took a long hard look at myself.

Looking back I can see that the seeds of the crisis started way back

Like so many men of my generation, I threw the baby out with the bathwater and cut myself off from masculinity in order to reject machismo and patriarchy.

My mother was a successful doctor and the principal bread winner. My father a sensitive artist, emotionally absent during my passage in manhood due to mental health problems. I had three older sisters, all clever and dominant. We lived with my granny and a child minder.

Even the cats were female!

I grew up, shy, lonely, bullied as a sissy, rejecting boyish attitudes, dismissive of authority, and, being academically clever, taking refuge in a fortress of intellectual arrogance.

As I passed in manhood I denied my masculinity in the easy but false persona of the soft “new man”. I was a classic Mr. Nice Guy on the outside while inside rage and frustration burned.

Sorting myself out has taken time, effort and courage

I was fortunate to already have a background in holistic and spiritual work, so there were teachers to guide me and friends to support. I still made mistakes, did foolish and regrettable things. I still do. Like all of us I am a work in progress.

My mission in life is to guide other men towards mature masculinity and conscious sexuality

Approaching 60 I have more energy, more happiness and a richer life than at any previous time. I am clear about who I am and where I am going and I am connected to a deep sense of authentic, mature masculinity.

I have a successful business. My first books are published. I am in a fulfilling relationship. I have a clear spiritual path. I have time and energy to enjoy my passions for being in nature, making music, meditating and savouring good food and fine Chinese teas.

I know that my mission in life is to guide other men on the paths of mature masculinity and conscious sexuality.

Why You Can Trust Me

First, I'm qualified

• I'm trained in herbalism, nutrition, bodywork, hypnotherapy and NLP coaching.

• I've studied sexual healing and tantra in depth with leading teachers.

• I am an instructor in two martial arts lineages

Then I'm experienced

• I've been in this game for over 20 years.

• I've helped hundreds of clients.

• I've taught health subjects at Master’s degree level.

• I've pretty much seen and heard it all.

• I've met and overcome challenges throughout my life.

So, what are your dreams and passions, and what's getting in the way?

Are you inspired and excited to overcome the challenges you are facing in your health, your relationships or your life? Do you want to feel great as a man? Let's have a chat and get things moving!

Visit my website www.nickhudis.com and book a FREE coaching call with me.

“Nick has a unique combination of skills, insights and experience that makes his work very special.”

DEBORAH ANAPOL Clinical Psychologist, author of Love without Limits

“Your work with men is awesome! Gee, you are natural at this. The work you do with your clients is very fine. You feel people deeply.”

SHAKTI MALAN Internationally renowned teacher and author on tantra and conscious sexuality

“Nick is an authority on natural health for men. I have no hesitation about referring to him clients on male health or sexual issues.”

FERRIS JERJIS Director, Heaton Acupuncture Clinic

Seeking Help

Are You Struggling To Find Yourself As A Man?

Perhaps it feels like midlife crisis, wanting to regain your sense of purpose, your masculine edge, your physical vitality and virility?

Perhaps it's an early life crisis , wanting to find your way in the world and know what it is to be a man?

Or are you struggling with a sexual problem : erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, frustration, the shame of porn addiction, fear of intimacy?

Or navigating relationship challenges : separation, affairs, divorce, family conflict, marriages which have gone stale and lost intimacy?

Or you glimpse something transcendental in sex and don't know how to get there, or you simply want to be a better lover ?

Or you want to be a better man living from inner strength and calm rather than fear, anger or confusion?

You need someone to cut through the confusion, give clear advice and stand by your side

This is a time when you need help. A time when you need a mentor who can listen to you and help you make sense of what is going on and a coach who can show you the way forward and keep you on track. Someone who can cut through the confusion, give clear advice, stand by your side when the going gets tough. Someone you can trust not just because they are qualified and experienced, but because they are a man like you and they've gone the distance themselves .

You won't get that on Google. You won't get it from books. You won't get it by trying to figure it out in your head.

However, this high level of support is exactly what I offer through my 1:1 coaching programmes.

I'm here to help you rise to the difficult and sometimes embarrassing challenges life throws at you. Holding the centre ground between life coach, natural health consultant and sexuality coach, I have the tools to help you through and will support you with a personally tailored 1:1 coaching or mentoring programme delivered either online or face to face. Above all I'm passionate about bringing men into the fullness of their power.

But it can be hard to ask for help

But I know that it can be hard to ask for help. We men have a lot of baggage that says it is weak and unmanly to ask for help. The boy hero inside us wants to feel invincible, and he throws a tantrum or sulks when life shows us we are only human.

I used to be worse than most. I thought I could do everything myself . I'd waste hours under the sink with a spanner and swear at my partner when she asked "couldn't you just phone a plumber?"

For more serious personal things, like when sex started to go wrong in that relationship, it was ostrich time, head in the sand , denial.

The turning point for me was not simply realising that in my mid 40s I was a mess. The actual turning point was reaching out for help.

Now I have a business coach, a voice coach, a tantric mentor, a spiritual teacher etc. and a plumber!

So I want to make it easier

Come on a free call with me. You've nothing to lose, and this could be your turning point. I call these sessions Breakthrough Sessions , because we are looking for exactly that, the breakthrough you need.

Here is how it works.

Visit my website www.nickhudis.com , arrange a time to suit. We'll get connected and have a confidential conversation . It'll feel good to get stuff off your chest, be heard and ask the questions you need to ask. Together we can explore:

• What it is that you want in your life that is not happening now?

• Where you are getting stuck and what is stopping you?

• What is going to have to happen for things to change?

Above all, you have the reassurance of receiving confidential, professional expert advice . There will be no catches and no pressure from me. We can take a full hour and really go into stuff, or if that feels a step to far, just chat for a few minutes.

This is not about selling you something. It's about getting clear on what you need to do . If I feel a 1:1 coaching programme with me is the right the solution for you, I'll tell you more so you can decide if this is the way forward.

Is this right for me?

These sessions are valuable - it’s up to a full hour of our time. I only make a limited number available each week. A FREE Breakthrough Session is right for you if:

• You are fed up and frustrated by the issues you are facing.

• You've not found answers.

• You are strongly motivated to transform your life.

• You are looking for a real solution , not a quick fix.

• You are ready to put yourself first and commit time and resources to your personal growth and wellbeing.

Want to talk?

YES

Arrange your FREE Breakthrough Session now. Go to my website www.nickhudis.com and, choose your time zone and appointment time, fill in a few simple details and look out for a confirmatory email. We'll talk soon!

“The best advice you gave me was not to give up on myself. I'd swallowed everything my GP had said and basically thought "Well, that's it." So I got off drugs, started exercising, eating well and three months later I was beginning to feel like a new man.

...and the relationship advice was good too. Sheila and I are beginning to rediscover each other. Our love life is different to when we were younger but deeply fulfilling for both of us” John, IT Manager

“Thanks Nick that was a great session. I thought it would be awkward talking about this kind of stuff, but you put me at my ease completely. I'm a bit in awe of your knowledge too. I see clearly now where I've come unstuck and I'm looking forward to getting back on track. This feels life changing.” Charlie, Small Business Owner

www.nickhudis.com