Belonging 

Belonging 

Overcome Your Inner Critic and Reclaim Your Joy

Catherine A. Wood 

New Degree Press

Copyright © 2020 Catherine A. Wood

All rights reserved.

This is a work of nonfiction. Nonetheless, names, identifying details and personal characteristics of the individuals involved have been modified. In addition certain individuals who appear in these pages are composites of a number of individuals and their unique experiences.

Belonging 

Overcome Your Inner Critic and Reclaim Your Joy 

ISBN 978-1-64137-468-2 Paperback

978-1-64137-469-9 Kindle Ebook

978-1-64137-470-5 Ebook

This book is dedicated to my adored parents, Elizabeth and Scott Wood. Thank you for being dreamers and showing me how, and for being my favorite hiking buddies.

Contents

Foreword

Introduction

How to Read This Book

Day 1

Embracing Desire

Day 2

Practicing Discernment

Day 3

A Modern Take on People-Pleasing

Day 4

The Reflection You Don’t Always See

Day 5

Unbounded: A Return to Wholeness

Day 6

Overcoming Heartbreak

Day 7

Healing Within

Week One

Suggested Study Guide for Group Discussion

Day 8

Taming Your Inner Chameleon

Day 9

Compassionate Living

Day 10

Learning to Ask for What We Need

Day 11

The Anger Iceberg

Day 12

Embracing Personal Responsibility

Day 13

Fail Forward

Day 14

Taking Off the Mask of Perfection

Week Two

Suggested Study Guide for Group Discussion

Day 15

Embodying Success Instead of Imposter Syndrome

Day 16

Happiness over Righteousness

Day 17

Vulnerability as a Superpower

Day 18

A Call for Love

Day 19

Weathering the Gray

Day 20

How Belonging Gives You the Courage to Mess Up

Day 21

Coming Home to Your Why

Week Three

Suggested Study Guide for Group Discussion

Acknowledgments

Appendix

Foreword

We live in a world where one of the primary drivers of our economy is self-loathing. For many of us judging ourselves is not only socially acceptable, it’s often a way we bond with our peers, and it’s even seen as humble, what a “good” person would do. We cringe when people appear to be bragging and might make fun of ourselves, brushing off our own self-harshness as self-deprecating humor. The world picks us apart, bombarding us with messages about what’s wrong with us and what needs fixing, always offering solutions outside of ourselves. And so many of us, sadly, begin to believe that we are not enough, not worthy of love just as we are, leading to a life of endless achievement-chasing, driven by an insatiable need to prove that we’re good enough by doing what it seems the world wants of us.

And while we may reap certain rewards in the form of outward successes, if it’s coming from a place of self-rejection or a lack of self-acceptance and care, we will inevitably feel like something’s missing or not right. Especially for those who identify as high performing, it often takes a more dramatic wakeup call for us to notice our needs and longings deep, because the world so rewards us for self-sacrifice, doing whatever it takes to get the job done.

So we may get sick, or our partners leave, we keep incurring injuries and find it hard to sleep. We can lose our ability to enjoy, really, as life can still appear good, but feel flat, like something’s constantly lacking. The risk here is to continue the pattern of looking for what’s lacking outside of ourselves, which tends to lead only to more of the same, with a bit of a time delay.

But sometimes what’s lacking, what’s lost, is us.

Yes, sometimes what’s actually missing is care for ourselves... from ourselves. Yes sometimes it’s the love we had been constantly trying to get from all of our busy doings that we must learn to give ourselves. This book explores self-reflection and offers processes and exercises to guide your journey back home to yourself. You’ll learn how to work with your inner critic, reclaim your forgotten joy, and care for yourself sincerely.

Learning to love yourself and choosing to be yourself in a world that’s often telling you how to be and what to do is a courageous act of self care. It’s a practice of remembering who you were before the world told you who to be. A forever becoming, a way we can cultivate a deep sense of belonging, not just with others, but with ourselves, because we deeply accept who we are.

Catherine wrote this book, Belonging: Overcome Your Inner Critic and Reclaim Your Joy, and created these processes from having walked this journey herself. She shares insights not only from her personal experience, but also from her work with clients, not just theoretical concepts but actionable practices that she has used herself. Catherine’s combination of insight, awareness, humanity, and humor is positively refreshing, taking what can seem overwhelming and making it feel doable and even delightful.

May you enjoy,

Emily Joy Rosen

Poet, Founder of Secret Keepers, and CEO of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating

Introduction

I still remember that Sunday afternoon in Santo Domingo as if it were just the other day. I was tanning on the beach. The smooth Caribbean sand slid between my toes, my skin kissed by the sun. My favorite bachata tunes were playing in the background. Beautiful couples were laughing and dancing in all directions.

Despite all of this, I was asking myself, “Is this all there is?” as I hacked up another cough, sick once again. With each cough, I felt a growing sense of sadness and resignation.

The year was 2010 and I had completed my service in the Peace Corps two years earlier. I was still brimming with the optimism of a young professional ready to change the world. Yet, simultaneously, I was immersed in a deep state of loneliness and unhappiness that I couldn’t quite qualify to justify my divergence of emotions.

On paper, I had a lifestyle that many people dream of. I was living abroad in the Dominican Republic and spent my weekends dancing on the beach. I was doing meaningful work as a small grants manager for a USAID-funded sustainable tourism project. Through my work, I partnered with local community-based and female-run organizations to fund and oversee the creation of small and medium-sized enterprises (SMEs). I still remember one notable site visit. My driver and I made the three-hour trek to my favorite mountain town in the central Cibao region of the country. Angostura was a small village near the country’s highest peak, pico Duarte, with one main road in town next to a bubbling river. The town was composed of no more than seventy families but did not lack for lush vegetation, locally-harvested coffee, the warm hospitality the Dominican are known for, and some of my favorite mountain views on the island.

This visit was special. The junta de vecinos, or neighborhood board, had broken ground to construct three log cabins with multiple bedrooms in each, where they intended to lodge tourist groups who wished to visit this beautiful part of the country. It was a historic day for the community, with much gleeful celebration and cheers as we walked through the three cabins and appreciated the strong foundations and walls that would bring international tourism dollars for the first time to this mountain village.

Unlike many in the development world, I saw tangible results from my work. I was fortunate enough to oversee community-run businesses like the Angostura project from start to finish—from the call for proposals, the selection and funding, to the implementation of projects with regular site visits to monitor progress. I was earning a decent income as a foreigner, enough that I’d fully funded my MBA in Santo Domingo. Meanwhile, back home in the United States, the job market was still recovering from the largest economic downturn since the Great Depression. Young people (sixteen to twenty-four years old), for example, saw their unemployment rate rise from 10.8 percent in November 2007 to a record high of 19.5 percent in April 2010, according to data from the Current Population Survey.1

Yet, with everything going well in my life, I felt a looming sense of emptiness growing from within. I had the distinct feeling that something was missing, but I wasn’t sure what it was. I’ve since come to realize that this experience is far from uncommon. Many of us experience a disconnect at some point in our lives. We identify these external mile markers that we need to meet, whether they are professional (such as a salary level or promotion) or personal (a home or spouse). We believe that when we reach those theoretical markers, we will be happy, content, or perhaps even satisfied.

When we reach that mile marker, we discover that the sense of achievement or feeling of success is fleeting. Soon enough we are back to the races, vying for the next accomplishment to feel better about ourselves. An overarching feeling remains that something’s missing on the inside. I have spoken with hundreds of clients over the years, very much like myself, who find themselves at the same point—checking the boxes, but still dissatisfied and unhappy. It bears asking, does anyone have it all figured out?

Data from the World Happiness Report indicate that the years since 2010 have not been good for Americans’ happiness and well-being. While the economy has recovered from the Great Recession and the national unemployment rate has returned to prerecession levels, happiness levels have not rebounded. General happiness among adults has been measured in the General Social Survey since 1973. The data shows happiness among adults did not increase back to the higher levels of the 1990s but continued a slow decline since at least 2000.2

To put it simply—it’s normal to feel discontent or unhappy. I have found that thinking we are unique or different in this way is one of the greatest barriers to change and experiencing belonging. In this book, I want to share with you my own journey, and process, to reclaim my experience of happiness and sense of belonging in the world.

When I talk to clients about what they want more of in life, their answers often devolve into what’s wrong with them, what’s not working, and why they’re unhappy. Thinking about ourselves as wrong or broken creates more discomfort and discontentedness, for what we focus on expands. I have discovered that happiness is much more an experience of well-being than it is the result of a goal achieved or a mile marker reached. This life lesson has been a hard-learned one for me, and the research backs it up.

University of Illinois Professor Edward Diener, one of the leading pioneers in scientific research on happiness, dubbed the term “subjective well-being.” His research suggests that happiness is an entirely subjective feeling of well-being experienced by the individual. It is characterized by the presence of positive emotions and the absence of negative ones. While happiness isn’t highly correlated with income like so many of us imagine, it is highly correlated with social relationships.3

My journey took me down a path to fill that looming sense of emptiness from within. As many of us experience, I didn’t know what to do with my feelings of discontentedness. I didn’t know how to handle the constant mind-chatter reinforcing the belief that I wasn’t good enough. And I didn’t know how to respond to the never-ending stories in my head of needing to take care of others, needing to please others, feeling like an impostor, and needing to not be a disappointment.

So I looked for Band-Aids. Those feelings led me to unhealthy romantic relationships where my boyfriends met certain mile markers of physical attraction, wealth, and education but lacked certain basic markers of respect, integrity, and the ability to open their hearts to me. They led me back to graduate school and to a practical degree, but I was never passionate about it. And eventually, they led me to move back to the states for a job as an economist with the Federal Government, which sounded prestigious and meaningful but soon became yet one more Band-Aid.

In the meantime, I lost every sense of subjective well-being. I lost my sense of dignity to men who capitalized on the marginalization of women. I risked my physical health with unfaithful partners. I prioritized my relationships over my friendships. And I made myself sick from bronchitis and repeated episodes of sinusitis for years in my never-ending search for Band-Aids.

Through my own personal journey to belong, I have achieved a state of happiness that feels intrinsic and unshakeable. Well-being and focusing on positive emotions have played a central role in that journey. I have worked with countless clients who focused on achievements and results. I have seen countless times how this “success” has come at the expense of their finding a sense of belonging, joy, and fulfillment from within.

Many of us experience a deep sense of unhappiness. We have learned to compensate for a missing aspect of our identity through achievement, and it has created a happiness void in our lives. My desire is that this book provides actionable principles with practical exercises to help you transform your relationship with yourself and with your relationship to achievement, success, and satisfaction. May this book support you in creating lasting happiness and a sense of belonging, first with yourself and then with your external world and relationships.

We will focus on these three areas to support you along this journey:

• Reprogram your mindset to align your desires with your thoughts and intentions.

• Learn how to spend quality time with yourself and date yourself.

• Discover the beauty within you and learn how to celebrate yourself.

My intention is to help you stop searching externally for that which lies within you. I haven’t arrived “there” yet either—we are all works in progress. Yet the need to get anywhere other than where we are right now remains one of the biggest obstacles in most of our life journeys.

1 Evan Cunningham. “Great Recession, Great Recovery? Trends from the Current Population Survey.” Monthly Labor Review.” U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, April 1, 2018. accessed December 29, 2019.

2 Jean M. Twenge. “The Sad State of Happiness in the United States and the Role of Digital Media.” World Happiness Report. March 20, 2019. accessed December 30, 2019.

3 Shane J. Lopez, Lisa M. Edwards, and Susana C. Marques. The Oxford Handbook of Positive Psychology. New York: Oxford University Press, 2016.

How to Read This Book

Treat this book like a treasure hunt. There is gold at the end. You simply need to be willing to look under every crevice, be curious, not go it alone, and have fun!

IDENTIFY WHAT YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS BOOK

Having clear objectives is an effective yet often overlooked strategy toward maximizing results. This book includes stories and practical exercises to help you access a greater sense of belonging and self-love. I suggest that you identify what you’d like to get out of this book and then go look for the answers within.

SKIP LIBERALLY

Skip any chapter or exercise that doesn’t grab your attention. You do not need to complete every exercise fully, and I invite you to be curious and proceed with an open mind and heart. Our personal resistance to change can often cloud our vision.

DISCUSSION GROUP

We are much more accountable to external sources than we are to ourselves. That’s why I have a job. Find a minimum of two other individuals to read this book with. Schedule a regular book club discussion call and go through the Suggested Study Guide for Group Discussion each week. These questions are gold! Taking this additional accountability step is guaranteed to support you in integrating what you learn from this book into your life. Consider sharing your objectives for reading this book on your first call.

TAKING ACTION!

We humans are known to intellectualize ourselves out of changing our lives. There is a difference between knowing something about ourselves that disempowers us and being willing to act upon it and change that habit or behavior. This book is composed of twenty-one daily readings followed by a daily exercise to help integrate the learnings from each chapter. Make sure you take the time to do the exercises after each chapter. Integrating the learnings from two chapters into your life would be more beneficial to you than reading twenty-one chapters.

RECOMMENDED READING

I have included recommended books and additional resources at the end of many chapters. If a particular topic or chapter resonates with you, consider reading the additional recommendations. I’ve avoided reading some of these books for years. When we are ready to transform ourselves, we will know. Come back to this book, the practices, and resources when you are ready to take them on.

Day 1

Embracing Desire

Your beliefs become your thoughts,

Your thoughts become your words,

Your words become your actions,

Your actions become your habits,

Your habits become your values,

Your values become your destiny.

Mahatma Gandhi

I remember the first day my friend started chatting with me about a yearlong personal development program she was participating in. I didn’t know what she intended to use the program for, but I was intrigued. I didn’t even understand what personal development truly meant at that time. I was curious about the lessons she was learning, the books she was reading, and the quotes and affirmations posted all over the walls of her home. Not only was I intrigued, but I was also jealous. I now realize that was simply a reflection of what I desired.

Most of us are disconnected from our wants and desires. When asked, “What do you want?” often our immediate response is, “I don’t know. What do you want?” At some point in your human development, you likely learned that asking for what you wanted was unacceptable or wrong, or that in doing so, you would become vulnerable. In this book, we will explore that fundamental “what do you want” question together. It’s a broad question, but broad is good. Our natural tendency is to narrow things down and start making personal changes based on reason and probability, based on fear, based on how things have gone in the past, based on what others think, and based on where we think we should be.

One Saturday, I went downtown to visit the program my friend was participating in, thinking I was just supporting my friend but knowing I wanted this for me as well. I spent the morning watching these coaches-in-training practice with each other and be trained by the program leaders. I was amazed by the insights and awareness these coaches were discovering about themselves. Their authenticity and honesty were refreshing, yet the degree to which they expressed their emotions made me squirm in my seat with both discomfort and respect. Sharing feelings had never been a common practice in my Irish Catholic household. I imagined myself in the program and training to become a coach. The irony of my epiphany, however, is that if you had been in the room with me that day or had a conversation with me in the months after, you never would have known I was interested in becoming a coach (sold on the idea after seeing it once in person) because I didn’t tell a single person about it. I was terrified of my own possibility.

Most of us are disconnected from the practice of listening to our desires and acting on them, even if we fundamentally know what they are. Just as I knew what I wanted that morning, I was scared of that knowing. I was terrified to pursue coaching and share it with the world. I was nervous about the opinions of my friends and family. I was scared about whether I could make a living in the profession.

But what I really wanted—there was no question. What is your relationship to knowing what you want? Perhaps you think you don’t know. Do I want to be in a relationship? Do I want to leave corporate to pursue my own business? Do I want to make some lifestyle changes to be healthier and have more work-life balance? Do I want to cut my expenses to save more aggressively for a down payment on my first home?

Maybe you do know what you want, and you’re scared. Deceiving ourselves about our desires is a common practice of avoidance. If we successfully deceive ourselves about what we want, then we never have to confront our fears around those wants and pursue them. This is a very common experience. We get scared of our own possibility and, consequently, fail to acknowledge it, sometimes to our loved ones and often to ourselves.

Consider that what you want is deeply a part of you. If you are reading this book, you may have lost touch with your intuition or are not experienced in acting in alignment with this deeply-rooted part of yourself. When you connect with intuition, you are allowing your mind to take a break from operating solely on the basis of logic—analyzing, calculating, obsessing, weighing, scrutinizing, etc. When you connect with intuition, you are allowing the part of you that always has access to the truth to speak on your behalf—whether it is spirit, trust, life force, God, a purple Buddha, nature, angels, life experience, or any Higher Power.

One day, my friend invited me to speak with a colleague about the program. I said yes, of course, and signed up that day on the phone. I had forty percent of the tuition in my savings account, but I knew in my heart that I could do it and allowed intuition and possibility to choose for me.

Embracing your intuition allows your mind to think, feel, and make decisions based on what is true for you in your heart and on what is fundamentally possible rather than what makes logical or practical sense. Our futures do not completely depend on logic. Our joy depends on our willingness to become more committed to what our future self wants and act in accordance.

As we become more connected to what we want, we start to envision the distinct experience of life available to us. We don’t want things just to want them—we want things because of how they will make us feel. I didn’t want to become a coach simply because I wanted to pursue more education and training. I wanted to become a coach to support others in becoming reconnected with their hopes and dreams. I wanted to become a coach to have more lifestyle freedom, to decide when I worked and where in the world I worked from—whether from the comfort of my own home, back in the Dominican Republic, or somewhere else.

Delving deeper into the underlying feelings and emotions behind our wants helps to disperse the fear, shadows, and confusion around our basic desires and bring them into focus. It enables us to start listening to both our head and our heart. If I had made the decision from my head that day, I’d likely still be working a nine-to-five job to this day and still be unhappy.

Choosing intuition over intellect gives you access to wisdom rather than calculated logic. Intuition senses possibility and opportunity where reason slams the door shut. If you are struggling with finding out what you want, perhaps the deepest desires of your heart have been hidden away and suppressed. Perhaps past experiences have caused you to become resigned or hardened in the face of your longings because hurt and hardship have driven you to discouragement, hopelessness, or disbelief. Or perhaps, like me, you know what you want but have been conditioned to choose what seems reasonable, even if it is not the wisest choice for your happiness and fulfillment.

I gave myself permission to dream that day, to believe that something I deeply desired was possible for me, to become an executive life coach helping others defy the odds of what’s probable and feasible, for what truly lights them up and sparks joy. The decision wasn’t strategic. It certainly wasn’t probable that I’d succeed, but I chose to be more committed to what I wanted, rather than what I did not, and all that required was my willingness to take one step in front of the other.

In this book, we will explore how you can choose consistently from intuition. The transformation that leads a person to this place cannot simply be taught, in the same way that studying a book on exercise science does not make you fit. Reading this book will not help you grow without doing the actual work of applying what you learn to your own life. Moving forward, schedule daily time for each day’s reading and exercise. Consider creating a structure with your book club or accountability partner to complete these readings and exercises daily for the next three weeks.

TAKING ACTION: LOOKING TO THE FUTURE

Gandhi truly understood the power of our mindset when he said, “Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions.”

Just like working out a new muscle group at the gym takes practice, repetition, and patience to see results, so too, does honing our beliefs, becoming consciously aware of our thoughts, and acting on them. You may think you don’t know what you want, or you may know what you want and fear taking action, but either way, you’re in the right place. One of my favorite exercises to do with clients to practice strengthening this muscle is to begin by welcoming feedback and input from others. Others, like our loved ones, are typically more reliable for reflecting what is possible for us than we are for ourselves when beginning this journey to wholeness.

Research shows that one of the most effective ways we can improve our relationship to receiving feedback is by asking for it. Based on her study, NYU Psychologist Tessa West believes asking for feedback holds the power to make discussions less painful. When people know to ask for feedback, they feel in control, West says. They can steer the conversation wherever they choose and feel confident about which topics get discussed. Givers also feel more certainty because they no longer have to guess what kind of information will be most useful.4

Today, you will begin by choosing ten people who know you and love you. These are your supporters and champions. Consider people across different areas of your life, including family, friends, colleagues, social groups, college, church groups. Send these people the following question and request a reply:

“If there were no limits or boundaries to what I could accomplish or be doing differently with my life, where would you see me next or what do you think my achievements would be?”

Feel free to send this question as a text message or via email, but take the time to do this now.

Write their names and responses below:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Well done! I honor you and your commitment to yourself.

After completing this exercise, take the time to journal below what you discovered about yourself? What feedback affirmed or inspired you? What new possibilities do you see available for yourself now? Write your immediate thoughts and reflections now while they are present:

4 David Rock, Beth Jones, and Chris Weller. “The Hidden Leverage of Feedback.” Psychology Today. January 7, 2019. accessed February 1, 2020.

Day 2

Practicing Discernment

Who made the world?

Who made the swan, and the black bear?

Who made the grasshopper?

This grasshopper, I mean–

the one who has flung herself out of the grass,

the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,

who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down–

who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.

Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.

Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.

I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.

I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down

into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,

how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,

which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?

Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

Mary Oliver, “The Summer Day”

I still remember the first time I realized I didn’t need others’ advice anymore. Having always been a people-pleaser and unsure of my own opinions, I always relied on the feedback of those closest to me to reinforce my decisions . . . in my interactions with partners, family, friends, and career alike. While soliciting feedback from others, as we did yesterday, is a powerful practice in strengthening our discernment muscles around what we want, becoming deeply connected with our own wants is where we are headed.

One day, while visiting my dear friend Laurel, she offered some advice I hadn’t asked for. The advice was innocent. She shared what she thought I should do in response to a struggle I was dealing with. I remember the moment distinctly because my body had a reaction to her advice, and that’s when it hit me—I finally knew what I wanted. Asking for others to tell me what to do had always been comfortable and a crutch to rely on, a padded support to fall on when I was doubting myself. As you can imagine, this was frequently, since I had never been willing to walk without it. At this point, however, I had begun doing the work of discovering who I was and my own beliefs and views separate from the opinions of others.

Several years prior, I would have been so grateful to receive her trusted counsel. I had been doing it for years in many of my relationships. Not having to rely upon myself to “try” to discern what I wanted was familiar and comfortable. It had always been easier to trust my friend’s counsel, which I had relied on time and time again over the past decade, because I trusted her more than I trusted myself. I hear this from clients all the time . . . I don’t know what I want. I’ve heard things like, “I just want to make him happy, and then I’ll be happy. I’ll do whatever you want to do; that’s what I need.”

One study published in the journal Frontiers in Human Neuroscience suggests social conformists, or people-pleasers, may be neurologically hardwired to agree with others. In the study, brain scans were conducted on thirty-nine people regarding whether they agreed or disagreed with 192 true or false statements. The findings indicated that those who tend to dislike disagreement experience worse cognitive dissonance when confronted with beliefs they don’t agree with compared to their peers. Essentially, a people-pleaser will experience greater psychological stress from holding two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values, or acting in a way that goes against any of them. The researchers suspected this is accompanied by heightened mental stress and discomfort. “This suggests sensitivity to mental stress is linked to an increased vulnerability to influence. This can potentially lead to poor decision-making, anxiety, or difficulties in interpersonal relationships,” wrote the study authors.5

Breaking up with people-pleasing can not only be challenging but can result in stress and discomfort. The study authors went on to suggest that sometimes simply agreeing to disagree can be a powerful place to start. This is a typical place where you may find yourself after breaking up with a lifetime practice of pleasing others.

These days, sometimes I notice that unsolicited advice makes me bristle. That’s not what I want, I think, and I smile a little on the inside. I am so eternally grateful for this work that has me reliably practicing and strengthening the muscle to know and ask for what I want at any moment.

Below are some lessons I hope you take away from this chapter.

• You deserve to get your needs met separately from getting them met by pleasing others or putting others first . . . to know that your needs and wants are important and that they deserve to be heard and honored, first by you and then by others.

• Asking for what you want is a muscle to practice. Thinking you don’t actually know what you want is simply a muscle that you have not flexed in quite some time. All it requires is some extra stretching and warming up to start practicing and noticing a change.

• You are worthy and deserving of asking for what you want and having those desires fulfilled.

• Asking for what you want requires being willing to ask at the expense of not getting it and still knowing that you are okay and loved.

TAKING ACTION: PRACTICING DISCERNMENT

Today, and every day for the rest of your life, we will be practicing. Start small. Start anywhere, but start today. Take some quiet time and get grounded in your body. Get connected with your feet, your legs, your buttocks, feel your chest naturally rise and fall as you breathe deeply, and with each breath, repeat out loud, “I deserve what I want.” From this place, I want you to complete the following two lists:

First, write down all the things you want for yourself. For example, if I connected with what I want at this moment, it may sound something like this: I want some Chapstick, some hot chocolate, my heated shoulder pad. I want to do some yoga stretches when I finish this chapter because I notice my shoulders feeling tight. I want to put on my workout clothes so I don’t talk myself out of going to CrossFit later. I want to take a second bath this evening while listening to my newest audiobook, and I really want to treat myself to watching a movie later tonight—a chick flick, perhaps. Oh, and is it Christmas movie season yet? Netflix has some spectacular holiday specials. That only took me one minute!

Notice a few things about my list above. These are all things that I can provide for myself. Use this exercise to get connected with your wants and desires and how you can meet those needs for yourself. I don’t want you to list wants that seem impossible or magical thinking. That reinforces the opposite intention. I want you to identify wants that you can meet for yourself. This will help you have access to more personal power and the ability to cause change. Secondly, I use the terms wants and needs interchangeably throughout this book. In my experience, it requires a similar skillset to discern both of these for ourselves.

Now, let’s be honest here, I have PRACTICED connecting with my needs for some time now. This would have been an entirely different conversation five years ago. Connecting with my needs has required a lot of practice and self-compassion, so please give that same grace and compassion to yourself. For this reason, I invite you to start by listing your short-term wants and needs, so you can see the benefits of meeting them now, versus desires in some future moment in time that you don’t have the power to fulfill now. This is all about instant gratification so we can reinforce a new behavior.

Write them down now...anything you want or desire for yourself:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

For the second list, we will look through the lens of our relationships. Think about what you want in your relationships. For me, it might look like this: I want to hug my partner. It’s time to call mom. I want to connect with my best friend who has been hard to pin down for the past couple of weeks (and probably me too). I want to make a date with a girlfriend who has been going through some life changes recently. I’d love to schedule a walking date with a new girlfriend in the upcoming few weeks. I would write all those items below. Now, your turn.

What do you want or desire through the lens of your relationships with others:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Lastly, I want you to go back to your first two lists and next to each item, identify what declaration, action, or accountability structure you will put in place to fulfill that need. This could be a reminder in your phone, a Post-It Note on the fridge or your bathroom mirror, a ring you wear on a different finger, or a special alarm. You choose, but don’t skip on this part. No one else will meet your needs if you don’t begin meeting them for yourself first! Universal law says that like attracts like, so begin sending out clear frequencies of what you’re looking for and how you will take action toward fulfilling those desires. Do this now.

5 Lizette Borrelli. “People-Pleaser: Brain Scans Show Pushovers Agree With Others To Avoid Mental Stress.” Medical Daily. March 2, 2016. accessed January 15, 2020.

Day 3

A Modern Take on People-Pleasing

When you say “yes” to others, make sure you aren’t saying “no” to yourself.

Paulo Coehlo

When I began working with Judy, she shared at length with me about her challenges at work in being productive and managing her time well. She was frustrated about the work culture, as it fostered an expectation of employees to be available 24/7. She was exhausted, overwhelmed, and found it hard to focus on any of her personal goals because she was always trying to help others and put fires out, whether it be her colleagues or their deadlines.

Her story was very compelling, and as her coach, my job was to get curious about who she was being in her life that caused these outcomes. Judy was very clear that the work culture and male-dominated industry demanded unreasonable expectations of her. I wasn’t so sure.

We began to unpack her day-to-day life, from how she spent her time at work to how she managed and honored her boundaries around scheduling, meetings, and availability to her peers and employees. We discovered Judy’s overarching penchant for being a people-pleaser. She was the resident manager-therapist to everyone who brought her their trials and tribulations. She was an expert in her department, and everyone relied on her, not only for guidance and direction but also to do the lion’s share of the work— theirs and hers. She was the expert, after all. Her relationship to boundaries was limited—her ability to say no, to let people know when she was available and when she was not, was uncomfortable and unfamiliar to her.

In my work, I see this all too often—the pervading archetype of the social conformist or people-pleaser. Many suggest that getting comfortable with saying no is an effective way to begin lowering the mental stress around conflict. After all, when did we learn that we need to people-please and say yes in order to be liked, loved, or adored? Consider that it began when we started being disingenuous with ourselves by trying to get others to meet our needs rather than taking responsibility for them ourselves.

See for yourself if any of these people-pleasing habits fit:

• You “don’t have a preference” about what to do, and you want to do whatever your partner wants.

• You have an open-door policy at work, and your colleagues are constantly enmeshing you with their woes and problems.

• You lose yourself and your friends while in a relationship because you’re so focused on learning your partner’s hobbies or buddying-up with his or her friends.

What needs are getting met in that context? You may believe you’re acting from a desire for companionship, love, or a genuine desire to help others. We often believe we are being nice and loving when we put other’s needs first. We believe that, potentially, if we help others or put them first, they will want to do the same for us.

This is one of the most erroneous maxims I’ve seen over the years in my work around relationships. I’ve certainly had to overcome this belief. Simply put, relationships don’t work that way. We don’t get to be generous and loving, expecting that our colleague, friend, or partner will want to do the same in return. At some point, that conversation becomes more about us than them. Consider that many needs you are getting met are the result of people-pleasing, which makes you need to feel loved, good enough, or worthy.

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar to you? If I cook dinner often enough, then he’ll get the idea and want to do the same. If I do what she wants to do today, then next time she’ll ask me for my preference. Or if he’s generous enough in bed, then she’ll want to return the favor.

When our default orientation in relationships is being a people-pleaser, it’s typically more about us than we think. It’s also manipulative. This is a tough-love lesson that I and many of my clients have had to learn. I remember the first time my own coach accused me of being manipulative and disingenuous in my relationship. He called me out for believing that if I continually did what my partner wanted on the weekends, he would naturally want to do the same for me. I was so offended. Me, manipulative?! Not possible. I was laid back and happy to go with the flow, or so I thought. In reality, I was unhappy and resentful about how we spent our weekends. I was angry that we were always hopping from one restaurant or bar to the next and rarely found ourselves out hiking or on a trail. I was also afraid to ask for what I wanted and trying to indirectly get my own needs met. Putting his first felt more comfortable and familiar.

We don’t get to take care of and please others when we want a specific response from them in return. As hard as it was to internalize that day, I realized it was a selfish practice. Ironically, our survival instincts have us thinking we’re selfless people-pleasers, that it’s a good thing, and that we care that much about the people in our lives. But truthfully, it’s a form of co-dependency. In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie explains the black and white consequences that this behavior can cause in relationships, both with ourselves and with others. She says,

Caretaking is an act and an attitude. For some of us, it becomes a role, an approach to our entire lives and to all the people around us. Caretaking is, I believe, closely associated with martyrdom (a state codependents are frequently accused of being in), and people-pleasing (another accusation hurled at us). Martyrs, according to Earnie Larsen, ‘Screw things up.’ We need to keep sacrificing our happiness as well as others for the good of some unknown cause that doesn’t demand sacrifice. People-pleasers, according to Earnie Larsen, can’t be trusted. We lie. And as caretakers, we don’t take care of ourselves.

The most exciting thing about caretaking is learning to understand what it is and when we are doing it, so we can stop doing it.

We can learn to recognize a rescue. Refuse to rescue. Refuse to let people rescue us. Take responsibility for ourselves, and let others do the same. Whether we change our attitudes, our circumstances, our behavior, or our minds, the kindest thing we can do is remove the victims—ourselves.6

Expressions of codependency such as caretaking and people-pleasing cause us to be dependent on other people to get our needs met for ourselves. We give away our time, energy, and mental clarity to do something for others to obtain a level of validation or affirmation for ourselves. Pulling the plug on people-pleasing begins with taking back our personal power (and time) from the never-ending need to help others.

Repeat after me:

• I am the source of my own happiness.

• I authentically love myself so that others can love me.

• I please myself before trying to please others.

• I say “no” to others in order to say “yes” to myself.

• I love myself first and then everyone else.

• I prioritize myself with my time.

TAKING ACTION: TIME TO GO WITHIN

Often, we don’t realize all the ways we are getting our needs met through being a people-pleaser. We may experience a twinge of anger or frustration when our friends or loved ones don’t act the way we expect them to or think they should, but we don’t normally put these seemingly unrelated events together. Begin getting curious about all the places in your life where you default to being a people-pleaser. Consider the areas of your life where you experience resentment, resignation, unhappiness, irritation, frustration, anger, or sadness, for example.

When I started doing this work, I noticed the biggest gap in how I spent my free time. Whether I was at home or on vacation, whenever I spent time with other people, I noticed a priority gap between how I wanted to spend my time and how others preferred to. In some relationships, if you have similar interests or values, the gap may not be as large. The gap may reveal itself in smaller ways as it has for me in the past, such as what I like to eat for dinner, the style of clothing I choose to buy, or even how I prefer my eggs.

Journal below about the areas of your life where you experience being a people-pleaser. How does it feel? What emotions are stirred up? What needs are you getting met from pleasing others?

Remember, you are whole, complete, and perfect. You don’t need validation or external approval from others for you to be enough. Today, begin reminding yourself of your inherent value and worth. What will you affirm to yourself instead? I’ve included some possibilities above. Take three mindful breaths and journal below what you will affirm to yourself today.

RECOMMENDED READING:

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

6 Melody Beattie. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. (Minnesota: Hazelden, 1992), 94.

Day 4

The Reflection You Don’t Always See

We choose to forget who we are and then forget we’ve forgotten.

Gunther Bernard

Recently, I began hosting a monthly gathering of women entrepreneurs in my home to create community and minimize the loneliness that I, and many others, experience as an entrepreneur working from home every day. I envisioned creating a safe space to bring women entrepreneurs together so we can share our obstacles, get support, and find understanding in knowing we’re not alone. We are much more alike than we are different, yet many of us operate under the presumption that we are not. The term for this mindset is called terminal uniqueness, which originally stems from the world of recovery work but is applicable for most. It’s defined as the false belief that the situation the individual is facing is unlike anything faced by other people, and, therefore, no one else could relate.

It is easier to identify terminal uniqueness in others. However, when we are the ones struggling or facing challenges, recognizing our own terminal uniqueness is harder to identify. Believing that we are unique typically intensifies the dramatic emotions we feel about whatever we are experiencing. Similarly, believing that we are unique delays or lengthens the time it takes to shift our mindset.

One method that greatly helps in interrupting the pattern of terminal uniqueness is community. Having a community where you can experience a sense of belonging is a great access point to remembering that you are a human too. Creating or participating in a safe space for people to gather, to share vulnerabilities, to own what’s not working about their business model or partnerships, and to feel seen and heard is often all it takes to create an energetic shift. Simply saying out loud what’s not working in your life, your business, and your relationships is powerful. Acknowledging what does work is the first step toward change.

In The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D., makes a great distinction about this through sharing the findings of one of his teachers, Elvin Semrad. He says, “Semrad taught us that most suffering is related to love and loss and that the job of therapists is to help people ‘acknowledge, experience, and bear’ the reality of life—with all its pleasures and heartbreak. ‘The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves,’ he’d say, urging us to be honest with ourselves about every facet of our experience. He often said that people can never get better without knowing what they know and feeling what they feel.”7

On a recent retreat I facilitated, I was struck by Matt, who could not refrain from offering advice to or sharing opinions with the other participants, regardless of whether it was welcomed or requested. In one workshop, he told another participant he needed to love himself and that it seemed like he didn’t believe he was worth it. As is often the case in group dynamics, most people do not enjoy being told what they need to do differently, especially when unsolicited. This was certainly the case in this instance, and the other participant immediately bristled and got defensive.

Knowing some of Matt’s story, I understood how much this was a reflection of his relationship to himself, but he didn’t see it. His version of being terminally unique made him unable to see his own challenges. He was quick to notice gaps and opportunities for others but had little skill in seeing his own. He related to himself as different. I told Matt that his job was to listen to everyone’s shares while getting curious about how they applied to his own life. Rather than telling others what they might do, he could make the biggest impact on others’ experiences by listening for himself so he could reflect on how others’ shares impacted him.

For the next day-and-a-half, I continued interrupting Matt when I noticed his automatic knee-jerk response to jump in and offer advice. His patterned response of telling others what they should do differently began to grate on the other participants, and I noticed that the others seemed too intimidated by his assertive presence to ask him to stop. I challenged Matt to take two actions when he felt the need to give advice. First, I invited him to ask the receiver of his attention if they wanted his advice or not. If yes, he could share it, and if not, he could not. And secondly, regardless of their response, I asked him to write down the advice he wanted to give to another and reflect on how he would benefit from this reflection or advice for himself.

The group began to feel empowered to tell Matt to write his advice down as he continued to find himself called to give advice to the others. I know that the transformational process can happen in an instant, so I continued to lovingly show Matt his penchant for giving advice to others and to myself as well, until the final afternoon. We were exploring our relationships with our inner child and Matt broke down crying as he recalled growing up with a narcissistic mom. His mom constantly criticized him, and he recalled never earning his mom’s approval or being in her good graces. He remembered swearing that when he had his own son, he would never be like his mom and would only show love and approval. He continued crying inconsolably as he realized that he was projecting onto others the self-control and self-restraint that his inner dialogue continued to map onto himself and his relationships.

Neale Donald Walsch reminds us in Conversations with God, “If you do not go within, you go without.”8 If we do not go within and get curious about how we are like another or how another is like us, we limit our ability to be whole. For Matt, his tendency to relate to others as needing to be fixed or helped was a mirror of his subconscious need to fix himself in order to get his mother’s approval. In reality, he attracted romantic partners who were not a healthy fit for him. He discovered that he had been attracting partners who needed to be fixed by him as they simply reflected how he related to himself.

Several months later, I was overjoyed to learn that Matt had found a romantic partner who made him happy. In learning how to relate to himself as whole rather than broken, he naturally attracted similar partners.

TAKING ACTION: TIME TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR

List below all the individuals in your life whom you tend to judge. Take a few minutes and identify the qualities in them that have an emotional charge for you. Identify the qualities you resist in each of them—judge, want to solve, offer advice, fix, erase, cure, etc. and write them down.

We will come back to this list. Continue adding to your list as you become more aware of individuals in your life to whom you have an adverse reaction and the specific qualities or judgments that you can’t accept in another.

Many of the participants in the retreat likely would have identified Matt on this list. We have a natural tendency to believe that we are wrong and need to be fixed. Only in getting curious about these judgments and triggers we experience in others can we begin looking in the mirror to explore those parts of ourselves we cannot accept or embrace within ourselves.

Write down the individuals in your life that trigger you and identify the individual qualities or judgments you have about them. We will come back to this list.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

7 Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. (New York: Penguin, 2014), 26-27.

8 Neale Donald Walsch. Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue. Book 3. (Virginia: Hampton Roads, 1998)

Day 5

Unbounded: A Return to Wholeness

By God, when you see your beauty, you’ll be the idol of yourself.

Rumi

I first discovered the term Unbounded in reading through a yogi colleague’s website. I was reading about her practice, appreciating her gift for drawing the reader in, and the word popped out of the page at me. I didn’t quite understand what the term meant back then, but it resonated with me. I would hear it in my heart frequently, however, and would find myself naturally letting out a long sigh of relief each time, a breath that had been locked away for a day, a month, a year, or even years. . . .

This is what Unbounded has come to mean to me, a process of both embracing and letting go. It is eventually how I came to choose the name for my company—Unbounded Potential. I appreciated the dichotomy of the two words; to my ear, the word unbounded provokes letting go, allowing, releasing, surrendering. Potential, on the other hand, represents the opposite for many, a process of embracing, reaching, going after, striving. It is not dissimilar to the contrasting power between the masculine and the feminine, yin and yang, or the shadow and the light. We subconsciously know that both are required for balance and wholeness. In speaking about ourselves, however, we inherently reject the simplicity and power of this principle. Through the intersection of the two, we become fully expressed in the world.

We yearn for full self-expression or becoming whole again. It certainly drove me to invest more than I earned in a year at my day job to participate in transformational programs, hire coaches, therapists, employ myofascial release massage therapists, craniosacral practitioners, and acupuncturists, attend workshops and yoga retreats, purchase online courses, attend transformational seminars, and read through an entire bookcase of personal development books. The total US self-improvement market was worth 9.9 billion dollars in 2016 and is projected to rise to 13.2 billion dollars in 2022 because coaching is one of the fastest-growing sectors of our economy.9 We are all in search of this elusive state of becoming whole again, achieving the state of becoming unbounded. We resist surrendering to the idea, however, that the key to reaching this lies in both allowing and embracing both halves to reform the whole.

The game we default to is endeavoring to reject the parts of ourselves we don’t like, deny the qualities of ourselves we’re embarrassed by, yearn to right what is wrong about us, or fix what we’ve deemed as broken. I am aware of this when speaking with a new individual to explore the possibility of working together. I often ask a question as simple yet potent as, “What do you want?”—only to hear a laundry list of things that are wrong, not working, or need to be changed in the perfect human being I’m speaking with.

It is a default for most, which I am no stranger to. I can still recall a training program that made me excited to learn a whole new toolkit of resources and distinctions to add to my already expansive coach methods. One of the first exercises we were trained in was relational meditation, also known as circling. I volunteered first and stood in front of the entire room of coaches and facilitators for them to reflect their experience of how I was showing up. I can still recall the armor I instinctively put on, bracing for the impact of others’ reflections of what I needed to work on or improve about myself. It pains me that this is my automatic response in the face of people who don’t know me, to put on my armor so that others’ words, even if filled with love, will fall off me with my titanium-coated exterior.

The irony lies in the reality that the titanium coating is manufactured of our own fears and egoistic selves. What we resist, persists, and what we can’t own, owns us. My resistance to acknowledging that my need to get it right is my default results in others feeling like they constantly need to be vigilant around me and get it right. This was an eye-opening realization that day, as my business partner reflected that this was, in fact, the impact that my titanium coating had on her. Until we can embrace our shadow and light sides, they will own us. Debbie Ford explains this introspective journey in her book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers:

It was a very holy day...when I understood that my job was not to get rid of all that I perceived to be wrong or bad about myself and that, in fact, the opposite was true. It was my job to take my most human self and transform her into my most extraordinary self. It was the moment of falling deeply in love with my flawed self that I returned to being a whole, happy, silly, loving, passionate, and incredibly worthy woman. It was only here, holding my human self in one hand and my divine self in the other, that I experienced a life beyond my wildest dreams. It was here that I knew finally what true love really felt like, not a love that requires another human being but instead a love that can only be found by having a loving, trusting, and respectful relationship with oneself. It is a love without conditions, a love that holds no regrets or resentments. It is a nonjudgmental love that offers compassion rather than critical thought and kindness and care rather than self-loathing and internal abuse.10

This is my wish for you, too, after going through this journey with me as your guide. I assure you that I have gone before you as many others have, and I have persevered and thrived. May you come to have as much compassion and cheer for your human self as your divine self. May you come to take full advantage of your one wild and precious life.

TAKING ACTION: TIME TO SHINE A FLASHLIGHT

I have worked with countless clients who struggle with anxiety, codependency, debilitating self-judgment, obsessive habits, perfectionism, and workaholism, to name a few. These obstacles hold them back from having the experiences they desire and from achieving the goals most meaningful to them. Deep down, they have stuffed their emotions—their anger, their sadness—with no place or permission to release them. Our unexpressed emotions create dis-ease in our bodies in the forms mentioned above or in other diseases being discovered more and more at an alarming rate.

They are hidden behind a well-trained muscle of pleasing others or putting ourselves last, hoping that these acts of service will merit them being deemed good enough and worthy of another’s love or approval. Somewhere beneath the surface, stuffed in the depth of our mental closets behind our deeply unexpressed emotions also lay our hopes, our dreams, and desires.

The day has come to put down your anvil and stop resisting what persists. Take out your list from yesterday’s practice. Who in your life have you never given yourself permission to resent or hate? Journal below your unexpressed anger, sadness, hatred, resentments, and judgments you have about these individuals. What negative emotions have you never allowed yourself to feel, let alone express? Write them below.

For example, my parents own a bed & breakfast, and I grew up constantly being surrounded by guests in my home. My parents are extremely hospitable and generous and embody every quality you would imagine innkeepers would have. A specific guest, Zoey, returned to the Inn year after year and was needy. Zoey joked about relating to my mom as her therapist and had no apparent gauge of when she was demanding too much of my mom’s attention. As a girl, I was extremely sensitive to being considerate, and I resented this guest for her unrelenting habit of demanding my mom’s attention, time, and emotional support. I would add her to my list and identify her as selfish and inconsiderate.

1.

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5.

6.

7.

8.

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10.

Now, for each of the individuals listed above, first read your responses out loud. As you read, reflect on what gifts these emotions, relationships, or experiences have given you. We all need sadness to know happiness, just like we all need to know hate in order to know love. All our emotions are needed to return to wholeness. Take some deep, slow breaths if this process is hard for you. Breathe in through the nose as you allow your stomach to expand, hold for five counts, and then slowly breathe out through the mouth as your stomach contracts. Do this five times and then begin.

Back to my example, Zoey was a mirror for my discomfort with being selfish. The gift she gave me was observing an individual skilled in being proactive at getting her needs met. She did not experience resentment in hoping others would consider her because she simply asked for what she wanted. I realized that day, if I was more skilled in asking for what I wanted and even being selfish at times, that quality in others would not trigger me. I had released the power other people’s selfishness held over me.

Journal the gifts you have received from each of the individuals you’ve identified above now:

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5.

6.

7.

8.

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10.

Congratulations! You are one of the few purposefully advancing on this path of wholeness. I have witnessed one too many of us who are more committed to our own anger than ever reckoning with our depth of sadness. I congratulate you for welcoming in your emotions versus continuing to judge yourself for having them. Just as you are deserving of your own anger and resentments, you are deserving of your own self-compassion, forgiveness, and love.

RECOMMENDED READING:

The Dark Side of the Light Chasers: Reclaiming Your Power, Creativity, Brilliance, and Dreams by Debbie Ford

9 John LaRosa. “The $10 Billion Self-Improvement Market Adjusts to a New Generation.” Market Research Blog. October 11, 2018. accessed January 25, 2019.

10 Debbie Ford, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers: Reclaiming Your Power, Creativity, Brilliance, and Dreams. (New York: Penguin, 2010), xiv.

Day 6

Overcoming Heartbreak

Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives.

Robert Collier

The Fourth of July was one of my favorite days of the year as a child. After spending a full day at the beach, we would set out our lawn chairs early to get an up close and personal view of the annual Fourth of July parade. One year in particular, it started to rain hard during the parade. As the parade was already underway, the musicians and groups proceeded with the show. One of my favorite acts was the Jamaican steel drums group—every year the group rode by in an open truck bed with drums around the corner of the truck bed, the players bopping along on their drums, whipping their braids around, with smiles from ear to ear. I loved them because of the carefree way I perceived the players beating their drums and moving with the rhythm. The rain started beating down just as they were passing me, where I was perched in my spot on the lookout for them. I proceeded out into the street and danced as if no one was watching me. When I think about feeling fully self-expressed in my body, I often think back to this moment. My friend Sarah captured me with a photo—jean shorts, a red and white tank top, and soaked from head to toe—to commemorate that moment.

Just after sundown each year, we would walk down to the beach for the annual bonfire—a uniquely local and Gilmore Girls-esque tradition organized by our small and quirky New England town. The decorative item placed on top of the bonfire was always a highlight, surely to be talked about for weeks and even years to come. My favorites were an old Jiffy John one year followed by a sailing skiff another. For me, the holiday has always represented family, friends, community, and fun. The importance of human connection and community has increasingly become more important to me. For some people, holidays are filled with traditions that bring people together, but for others, I imagine they are a reminder of what once was.

One week I had a call scheduled with a client who had lost someone dear to her. Donna shared that she felt withdrawn, wanted to cancel our session for the second week in a row, and was simply not showing up as herself. In place of my typical experience of her as full-of-life and vibrant, her expression seemed vacant. I had the distinct impression that Donna was moving through the motions without experiencing herself. I encouraged her to keep our call and suggested that this moment of hardship was likely the opportune moment to get supported rather than revert to her automatic way of managing her emotions alone in this time of loss and grief.

Donna and I had previously distinguished that she had learned at a very young age that “you don’t express emotions, that they’re bad and wrong, and that when tragedy happens, you deal with your emotions on your own—separate and alone.”

Cognitive research indicates that the mind is, to a degree, invested in keeping the status quo. Thus, for Donna, who learned at a very young age that expressing sadness was not acceptable, she was up against “a huge (unconscious) challenge, which can take a long time and a significant amount of effort. Much conscious rehearsal is needed to change automatic thought patterns and behaviors—and even then, we tend to revert to them in moments of heightened stress, because the previous automatic go-to patterns are still so readily available,” says Dr. Valentina Stoycheva, author of The Unconscious: Theory, Research, and Clinical Implications.11

Often, simply differentiating between what is a predictable response for a client versus what they actually desire or want in the moment can provide an opportunity for a client to interrupt their automatic response pattern. Donna, for example, was aware that shutting down was her automatic response. By exploring how that was simply the predictable response for her and not what she ultimately wanted, she distinguished that she most craved and needed connection and intimacy.

Our automatic responses are preprogrammed to do what we learned at a very young age, regardless of what our heart or conscious mind would have us say or do. In E-Squared, Pam Grout explains that “neuroscientists tell us that 95 percent of our thoughts are controlled by our preprogrammed subconscious mind. Instead of thinking, you’re looking at a ‘movie’ of the past.”12 As children, we learn what we deem to be “right” or “appropriate.” It requires effort and reprogramming to:

1. understand the subconscious choice we’re making and where we’re choosing from;

2. make an empowered choice based on what’s actually in service of us in order to;

3. create a different result.

In Donna’s case, this meant allowing support and connection in order to create a new outcome of love and understanding. Despite all the instances in which Donna had emotionally disengaged from her emotions and been comfortable doing so, she chose differently that day. Donna was able to discern the familiar patterns of her automatic and subconscious programming. She made a conscious and alternative choice that day to lean in and allow herself to connect with loved ones rather than reverting to her familiar, preprogrammed response of isolating herself. Donna got off the phone filled with gratitude for her ability to put down her defense mechanism and choose self-love that day.

This is a familiar pattern of our subconscious programming. We revert to our habitual behaviors and patterned responses. We try to handle things on our own and think we will produce a different result by doing the same thing repeatedly.

The results of our automatic pre-programmed responses are familiar. They may show up as one of these behaviors:

Choosing more of the same

Self-judgment

Making ourselves wrong for having needs

Producing the same old outcome

When we can choose from an empowered place, our inherent needs and values in the moment may look more like one of these:

Community

Allowing support from others

Letting people in even when it feels scary

Vulnerability

TAKING ACTION: LET’S BEGIN REPROGRAMMING

Today, we will begin to separate the conditioned response from your subconscious mind and focus on what you need or deeply crave in your heart. Bring to mind a recent experience of sadness or heartbreak where you did not get your needs met—perhaps you were left feeling misunderstood, withdrawn, sad, or hopeless.

Notice your automatic response in that moment. Journal about it below:

• Did you withdraw?

• Did you become obstinate and push people away?

• Did you disassociate from your emotions altogether and busy yourself with a task?

• Did you use anger as a mask to distance other people from you?

Next, ask yourself, what did you really need at that moment? Journal about it below:

• Did you need love and support like Donna did?

• Did you need to give yourself permission to feel your feelings and allow the sadness?

• Did you need connection and to not be alone?

• Did you need your loved ones to know that your anger wasn’t directed at them?

Lastly, practice sharing your insights from this exercise with a friend or loved one today. Quite literally, I invite you to have this conversation on a loudspeaker.

Jot down some of the accountability structures or reminders below that you could put in place to help you differentiate your subconscious programming from what you actually need in the moment to heal your wounded feelings and regain a sense of belonging.

11 Valentina Stoycheva PhD, “It’s Not You, It’s Your Unconscious.” Psychology Today. June 18, 2019. accessed November 9, 2019.

12 Pam Grout, E-Squared: Nine Do-It-Yourself Energy Experiments That Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality. (California: Hay House, 2013), xix.

Day 7

Healing Within

Embrace those parts of yourself that you’ve skillfully avoided until now. That’s your true adventure.

Gina Greenlee, Postcards and Pearls: Life Lessons from Solo Moments on the Road

Many memories of my childhood remain tucked safely away in the confines of my subconscious. They often lie close enough within reach that I can sense when an emotional, overly exaggerated response is likely based on a much younger memory than the one I’m experiencing in the moment. However, they are often far enough away that I don’t quite understand why I’m crying profusely about a weekend plan gone astray from my unfulfilled expectations until it’s too late, except for my rendezvous with duct tape (more on that later). I remember that memory and the emotions associated with it vividly. As I’ve traversed the journey of healing my childhood wounds, it has become more alive than I’d wish it to be, especially for something that happened more than three decades ago.

This is often the case with healing the past. We must recall it and accept it for what it was in order to let it go. Through acknowledging the past, we can interrupt the pattern of allowing our current experiences to be interpreted through the filters of our childhood ones. My particular orientation toward letting go has always been more of the “sweep it under the rug and forget about it” type. However, the strands of our subconscious are far too elastic for that to work even if it doesn’t impact us on the level of our conscious awareness.

I still remember that day. I was five years old. I shared a bedroom with my older sister, who was eleven at the time, and I adored her. She was my older sister, and I looked up to her. I admired her independence, her willingness to always speak her mind and stand up for her opinions. One day, however, those opinions ricocheted back on me and I found myself on the receiving end of them. I imagine that I must have been too curious, too bubbly, and likely too annoying as five-year-olds often are.

Craving the space and independence that we all need, my sister got out a roll of duct tape and rolled it across the middle of our shared bedroom floor, dividing our rectangular room into two smaller rectangles. The bedroom door opened up to her side of the bedroom, and she exclaimed as she securely placed the tape on the floor, “This is my side of the bedroom and this is yours. Stay on your side.”

I had to jump out and inside our shared bedroom door to avoid inadvertently stepping on her side of the room. I don’t remember how long the tape stayed put, likely not that long, but the unintended lesson would impact me for decades to come. This was the first time I learned my role was to be seen and not heard. This story is a lot more about me than my sister. I imagine she was just craving the independence and separation any eldest child might need from a doting and overly energetic younger sister. In my older years, I’ve met countless younger women and girls who remind me of myself, and I have gotten annoyed, so I can certainly relate.

This experience taught me about my subconscious role in society. I learned that I needed to please others rather than provoke others. I learned that I needed to mold how I showed up so as not to irritate others. It was the first event where I learned the world wasn’t a “safe” place and that I needed to behave a certain way to be liked, loved, and accepted. This memory changed the programming of my subconscious mind.

Research shows that even in the best of life circumstances, we all pick up limiting belief wiring in the formative years of our childhood. As Dr. Athena Staik, PhD, explains,

They serve to protect us at a time in our lives when we are most vulnerable emotionally, and thus also physically. The same belief systems that defend and ensure our survival in childhood, however, later in life become obstacles to our growth and realization of our fullest potential to find meaning, and create a joy-filled life.” We must rewire and transform our subconscious programming to reinforce an empowering context or story of our lives, otherwise as Staik explains, “these beliefs produce a toxic stream of thoughts that subconscious keep us stuck going in the same direction.”13

Fundamentally, I learned from my rendezvous with duct-tape that I needed to not be me but someone who others wanted me to be. This event was repeated over time by additional events, which firmly reinforced this subconscious programming that pleasing other people was the appropriate way to behave. This behavior came to be common practice in how I made plans with friends. I was quick to ask what others wanted to do before even considering my own preferences. It also came to be common practice with how I operated both with my family and with lovers.

In today’s exercise, we will journey down memory lane to explore some of your subconscious programming to begin naming how the strands of your past continue to impact how you show up today.

TAKING ACTION: LOOKING BACKWARD

If you are like me, you may not recall many memories of your childhood. That’s okay; we’ll use a trick to help you. For this journaling exercise, you will use your non-dominant hand to help you connect with your unconscious mind. So if you write with your right-hand, you will respond to the first two prompts below with your left hand, and vice-versa.

Some studies indicate using the non-dominant hand increases the amount by which the non-dominant brain hemisphere is activated, and many therapists use the non-dominant hand for inner child work. Simply put, writing with your non-dominant hand confuses your brain—which has been preprogrammed for predictability and keeping you in the confines of your comfort zone. Research has indicated that using the non-dominant hand correlates with improved levels of creativity, intuition, and the ability to feel.14 So try it out. What have you got to lose?

Respond below to the first two prompts using your non-dominant hand.

When did you first learn that the world wasn’t a safe place? Describe in as much detail the first memory or experience you can remember. Your memory may be more severe, like a friend of mine who watched her baby sister fall off a swing set and break her leg, and she was blamed for it by her scared parents. Or your memory may be as innocuous as my rendezvous with duct tape. We’re looking for a memory that ideally dates back to ages three to seven. One may not immediately come to mind; write down the earliest memory you can think of and start with that one. If you later think of an earlier memory, come back to this exercise. Journal now:

After you can recall nothing else, journal again with your non-dominant hand your response to the next prompt. What did you make up about yourself and the world from that experience? For my friend, she learned that the world wasn’t a safe place and that she had to live vigilantly in fear of who in her life she needed to protect. For me, people-pleasing became a survival tactic. I learned to be who others wanted me to be in order to stay under the radar and be liked and loved. Your turn, journal below:

You may have lots of experience doing inner child work, or this may be the first time you’re connecting with the needs of your inner child, either way, welcome. Carl Jung identified the “eternal child” archetype in his work to represent individuation, the development of different parts of self into a functioning whole. This work is represented in the modern era by doing inner child work. Dr. Stephen A. Diamond, Ph.D., explains, “We were all once children, and still have that child dwelling within us. But most adults are quite unaware of this. And this lack of conscious relatedness to our own inner child is precisely where so many behavioral, emotional and relationship difficulties stem from.”15 16

For today, the last prompt is to respond below as your own loving parent with what your childlike self most needed to hear when you felt confronted or afraid. My friend constantly practiced reminding herself to gift her trust to another. For me, one of my lasting mantras has been to remind myself, “Catherine, you are more than enough.”

Mantra and affirmations can be powerful ways to begin reprogramming your subconscious beliefs and reparenting yourself. An important factor to keep in mind when choosing an empowering affirmation is to focus on speaking in the affirmative and present tense. Your subconscious does not distinguish between negatives and positives, so if you affirm, “I don’t attract untrustworthy men,” who do you think your subconscious is transporting straight for you in the ethers?! I am speaking from personal experience, of course (but more on that in a different chapter)!

Similarly, if you speak in the future or present perfect tense, you are not sending out a clear message about what you want and the timeframe in which you want it. If you focus on affirming, “I will be kind to myself,” your subconscious might say, “Alright, mama, let me know when we’re starting! I’m here waiting for you.” Instead, practice being direct and clear about what you want right now.

Use the space below to write one to three mantras or affirmations with your dominant hand. Start saying these statements out loud to reparent yourself and affirm what you most needed to hear when you were a child. When you get confronted or triggered, these are likely still the affirmations your heart most yearns to hear. You got this!

1.

2.

3.

RECOMMENDED READING:

You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

13 Athena Staik, PhD, “The Power of Subconscious Learning: Transform Your Thoughts, Transform Your Life.” Psych Central, April 19, 2014. accessed September 7, 2019.

14 Eve Hogan, “Left and Right-Handed Journaling.” Spirituality & Health, The Soul | Body Connection. December 7, 2015. accessed September 25, 2019.

15 Stephen A. Diamond, PhD, “Essential Secrets of Psychotherapy: The Inner Child.” Psychology Today. June 7, 2008. accessed January 30, 2020.

16 Sheri Jacobson, “What Is the ‘Inner Child’?” Harley Therapy Counselling Blog. March 23, 2017. accessed October 11, 2019.

Week One

Suggested Study Guide for Group Discussion

1. What did you discover about what you want and desire? From yourself? From others?

2. Share about your relationship with feedback. What was it like to request feedback about yourself?

3. What feedback did you receive that inspired or touched you? What feedback were you confronted by?

4. Discuss your relationship to people-pleasing with the group.

5. Share with the group what you’ve learned about the needs you get met from pleasing others.

6. What did you learn about yourself from the people in your life you’re resentful of or triggered by?

7. Discuss with the group the gifts you uncovered from your judgments and resentments.

8. Share with the group what you discovered about your subconscious programming this week.

9. Discuss your memory of sadness or heartbreak with the group. Share what your conditioned response was with yourself versus what you fundamentally needed from a loving and reprogrammed place.

10. What did you discover about your inner child this week?

Day 8

Taming Your Inner Chameleon

We need solitude, because when we’re alone, we’re free from obligations, we don’t need to put on a show, and we can hear our own thoughts.

Tamim Ansary, West of Kabul, East of New York: An Afghan American Story

Throughout this second week, we will explore identifying who you really are. In this discovery process, we will use some of my favorite exercises that my clients and I have used over the years. For some, a desire for transformation or being more committed to change, rather than for things to continue going the way they’ve been, can be a sufficient motivator for embarking on this process of self-discovery. For others, personal devastation or loss serves as that impetus.

My relationship with self-awareness began on the heels of a breakup. It was likely the most extreme moment of personal devastation I had experienced, and it had little to do with my former partner. I had placed so much of my own value and perceived self-worth on this partner and my concocted vision of his potential that, in the process, I had completely lost sense of myself.

This relationship was certainly not the only one where I turned into a chameleon; however, it was a loud example of it given our starkly contrasting interests, values, and preferences. For the years we were together, my goals were his goals. My desires were based on his desires. My sense of fashion defaulted to what he preferred to see me dressed in. I remember one day when my best friend called me on it, exclaiming, “Catherine, why are you wearing boat shoes, seersucker, and pearls?”

She had always known me to be a woman of loud colors, artisanal jewelry, and heels that popped. But I didn’t see it. I was living in a clouded world where my values had become forgotten and my self-worth had been firmly placed in the hands of another by none other than myself. However, one day, completely out of the blue, I was dealing with a breakup . . . and much more than my relationship had been taken away from me.

In the aftermath of that breakup, and with the support of a wonderful therapist, I began to discover myself again. In the beginning, I didn’t much like who I found. I found a talented woman who received a lot of external validation for her field, but it filled her with discontent and a sense of dread each morning on her way to work. I found a woman who didn’t know what she liked and, as a default, reverted to the preferences and choices of those around her. I found a woman who didn’t know how to take up space and be seen, who constantly put herself in the role of being a listener and cheerleader. And I found a woman who couldn’t directly ask for what she needed. I found a woman who felt justified in being resentful of others for not hearing her passive-aggressive attempts to ask for what she needed nor intuiting what she was thinking without ever directly communicating it.

Consider the story of Uthman as told by Coleman Barks in A Year with Rumi.

The story is told of Uthman, who when he became caliph mounted quickly the steps of Muhammad’s pulpit, whereas Abu Bakr, out of respect for the prophet, seated himself on the second step.

There were three steps. Omar sat on the third step. Uthman climbed to the top. When asked why, he replied, If I sat on the third step, people would say I was like Omar, If on the second step, He’s like Abu Bakr

But up here where the chosen one sat, no one will think to compare me with that king of the spirit.

And sometimes when he had climbed to the preaching place, that sweet one Uthman, would not say anything. He stayed silent until midafternoon. No one asked him for a sermon, and no one left the mosque.

In the silence many began to see with Uthman’s light. This is how a living master opens the inner eye.17

Mostly, I found a woman who didn’t know how to enjoy spending time with herself, and the time that she did spend with herself, she couldn’t help but fill it with chores, cleaning, organizing, and the list of tasks goes on. In this way, she could be productive and prove herself to herself. Like so many of us do at some point or another in our lives, I found myself asking, Who am I?

Separate from the relationship status, the items and chores I checked off the to-do list, and the awards and achievements I found myself so consistently adding to my expanding resume, I realized I didn’t know. So often, when we’re asked to introduce ourselves, we default to responding with our job title or place of employment, as if that defines us. I asked myself, Since when did the contribution we could make to another human being depend on what we did or what level of hierarchy we reached in our career?

Coincidentally, in the aftermath of imagining I had experienced “heartbreak” for the first time, I discovered the beauty and glow of what it was like to truly love me. I had experienced heartbreak much earlier in life, when I first experienced dissociation, a common phenomenon that results in a disconnection between a person’s thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of self. In the aftermath of this breakup, I discovered that loving me looked like beginning to date myself. Quite literally, I began to take myself out on dates, to notice what gave me pleasure, to give in to what my heart longed for. I began the long journey of starting to meet my own needs versus waiting expectantly for someone else to meet them for me.

Along the way, I got in touch with what I liked, separate from any feedback from another. I began to have these conversations with myself:

• What are my preferences?

• What do I want to eat?

• What do I like to do on the weekends?

• What would bring me pleasure in this moment?

• What am I passionate about?

I discovered I was passionate about running and started training for a marathon. I agree with Haruki Murakami’s sentiments in What I Talk About When I Talk About Running when he says that “Being active every day makes it easier to hear that inner voice.”18 This was certainly my experience as well. Following a passion helped teach me an important life lesson. Passion is infatuating. When we have a passion (whether it’s for a career, a hobby, or a new goal), it can be an all-consuming pursuit. It also opens up our eyes to new passions all around us.

I followed that passion and started to explore my home city and take myself out on the dates I always imagined my partner would take me on. Julia Cameron explains this concept of an Artist Date in The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity:

An artist date is a block of time, perhaps two hours weekly, especially set aside and committed to nurturing your creative consciousness, your inner artist. In its most primary form, the artist date is an excursion, a play date that you preplan and defend against all interlopers. You do not take anyone on this artist date but you and your inner artist, a.k.a. your creative child. That means no lovers, friends, spouses, children—no taggers-on of any stripe. If you think this sounds stupid or that you will never be able to afford the time, identify that reaction as resistance. You cannot afford not to find time for artist dates.19

When I put down my own resistance to spending time alone with myself, I found my favorite works of art throughout the West Wing of the National Gallery of Art. I spent hours imagining myself living in the times of Manet, John Singer Sargent, Mary Cassatt, and Degas. I fell in love all over again with nature and delighted in the orchids at the US Botanical Gardens and wistful afternoons spent reading novels and classics outside or on the lawns of the Smithsonian Mall.

I want to share a story about my friend and top photographer in Washington, DC, Tina Krohn. Her story will help anyone letting social pressure get in the way of meeting their own needs. Tina is one of the most generous entrepreneurs I’ve met—an especially unique quality given the level of prestige and success she has reached in her career. A professional dancer turned costume designer, Tina worked for many of the superhero movies, including X-Men, Twilight, Fantastic Four, and longtime household favorite, Elf. Always interested in photography, however, her childhood hobby eventually transformed into a prominent career for herself in DC, working with high-profile clients, media outlets, and other companies.

One quality that has always stuck out to me about Tina is her exquisite ability to maneuver through life and business with grace. Curious to learn how she managed her boundaries around time and energy, which many of us struggle with, I was excited to interview Tina. Here’s what she said:

“I constantly think about my work, I constantly think about ideas that I want to work on since I work a lot from home. My personal space is also my workspace, so I need the discipline to do something unrelated to photography when I’m not working.

My social guilt is on high alert when I’m working. I need to handle a whole crew. I need to make everyone comfortable. I need to make my subject feel like the king or queen. I’m on high alert regarding social cues. In addition, working and being good in my field is a lot of pressure. So, the moment I’m done, I allow myself to rest for a while.

I allow myself to do what I want to do when I want to do it. If I want to read, if I want to turn around in bed, or watch a junkie show, I do that.”

While her advice may sound simple, it’s rather profound. Our ability to give ourselves permission to be fully invested in our work when we’re working and fully invested in rest and relaxation when we’re not is a game changer. When I started taking myself out on the dates I had always dreamed of, I found myself in the process. For many of us, the process of learning to date ourselves and spend quality time with ourselves is novel. Clients often share with me how joyful and delightful the experience is, and that is my hope for you today as well.

TAKING ACTION: TREAT YOURSELF THE WAY YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE TREATED BY ANOTHER

This week, your job is to take yourself out on a date. It does not matter when you do it, where you do it, how much time you spend on yourself, or how excessive it is, as long as you treat yourself luxuriously and spend quality time doing something that delights you and fills you with joy. It is important to begin spending this quality time with yourself. As you begin this journey of self-discovery, it will be natural to revert to old behaviors and habits of doing what your friends want to do, or busying your mind with work or tasks around the house. Begin valuing yourself over your habits. Journal what your date will include right now. Write in as much detail as you can and how you will spend this quality time with yourself below:

Now, declare the actual date and time you’ll take yourself out on the date. Write that below. Pull out your calendar or your phone and block that time off in your schedule this week, just like you would for your best client or for your boss. Do this now.

Learning to treat myself the way I wanted to be treated by others made the most meaningful impact on my ability to take responsibility for making myself happy. I hope this week’s date with yourself will be the first of countless dates. Begin getting curious about what you notice and experience on your date. What is it like to be with yourself? What qualities do you delight in about yourself in those most quiet and cherished moments? Share your insights on this week’s group discussion call.

RECOMMENDED READING:

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

Calling in The One: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life by Katherine Woodward Thomas

17 Coleman Barks, A Year with Rumi: Daily Readings. (New York: Harper Collins, 2006), 41.

18 Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running: A Memoir. (New York: Random House, 2008), 49.

19 Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. (New York: Penguin, 2002), 18.

Day 9

Compassionate Living

When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive—to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.

Marcus Aurelius

When left unhealed, our past will dismantle us. It will disenfranchise us from our gifts and our creativity. While we will continually search and long for this experience of peace, joy, wholeness, and belonging, we will look for it in all the wrong places. We will strive and go after our goals with more enthusiasm, but it will be an insatiable need that can only be met from within versus an externally driven model. Yet we will continue to go after one goal, and the next and the next, in an effort to feel that momentary sense of having achieved something and feeling good about ourselves. Then we will be back to the rat race, attempting to prove externally what can only be sourced from within.

Debbie Ford wrote, “Most of us are trained to look outside ourselves for the love we need. But when we let go of our need for love from the external world, the only way to comfort ourselves is to go within, to find what we strive to get from others and give it to ourselves. We all deserve it. We must allow the universe within, our divine mother and father, to love us and nourish us.”20 Self-love is not a formula or a problem to be solved—it lies within and is abundantly available to us. We must become more committed to meeting our needs for ourselves in how we treat ourselves, nurture ourselves, communicate with ourselves, and choose to be compassionate with ourselves from moment to moment.

When I first launched my business, I catapulted myself into my work seven days per week, all hours of the day. I was anxious to leave my day job, which I felt smothered by, and felt I had finally come alive again—fully able to share my gifts and make a meaningful impact. While this work ethic served me in smoothly transitioning out of a cubicle and into self-employment, it cost me significantly as well. It cost me relationships with friends who had known me to be someone else, and it cost me my relationship with myself. In the sprint to achieve my goal, I lost sight of me—my personal needs, what it meant to nurture myself, take care of me, and maintain a sense of balance and well-being.

At a certain point in my work with clients, we discuss self-compassion and well-being. We look at how they can prioritize themselves and take better care of themselves. When Cindy first called me, she was leaving an unhappy marriage and moving back home. In her efforts to be content, she had lost sight of who she was and what brought her happiness. She had created this joyless cycle where she took care of her husband and tried to meet all of his needs and over-performed at work to prove she was good enough. Cindy had finally realized the joylessness in trying to do more and accomplish more to feel better about who she was. She realized that she needed to change how she was treating herself so that she didn’t leave one marriage and home only to reinvent the same patterns elsewhere.

In working with Cindy, we discovered she felt like she was always running, trying to catch up throughout her day. She felt she was always one step behind and could never get on top of things. I shared with Cindy that typically the way we start our day dictates the way our day goes. So I asked about her morning routine. She said she tried to wake up by 7:30 a.m. each morning so she’d have time to eat breakfast at home before heading off to work, but she routinely snoozed her alarm clock and had to eat breakfast at work. I could tell how angry she was at herself for failing to break this habit.

I asked, “What is your experience of being kind to yourself?” Cindy, clearly confused, told me why she should be able to just get up earlier and not snooze her alarm clock. I shared with her that often, when clients don’t understand my questions or the ideas I’m presenting, they’ll answer a different question. I reflected that it seemed to be the case here and again asked, “Cindy, what is your experience of being compassionate with you?”

“I don’t feel like I deserve to be compassionate with myself,” she eventually responded. “I am routinely late to work and behind in my deadlines at the office, and I don’t feel like I’ve done enough to merit being kind to me,” she added.

“That makes sense,” I said. “Often we feel like we have to prove something in order to take care of ourselves and nurture ourselves, and, typically, that is the egoic part of ourselves speaking and thinking for us.” I shared with her that self-compassion is not a zero-sum game, and she didn’t have to build a case for why she deserved it. We discovered how she would treat herself in the morning if she was more committed to inherently believing she was worthy of being whole and loving herself. When we get present to an altered reality for ourselves, we can interrupt the unhealthy scripts and rewrite them for ones that serve us and have us treat ourselves with self-love, kindness, and compassion like Cindy began that day. The next time I spoke with Cindy, she shared that she had minimized the number of times she snoozed her alarm in the morning and was enjoying cooking breakfast at home for herself before heading to work.

When I first began my business, I had no sense of boundaries around my time or well-being. I woke up to work and my life became about work rather than about me. This was not the first time I had experienced these workaholic tendencies. When I was in graduate school to obtain my MBA and working full time, I exhausted myself working nonstop and came down with a severe case of bronchitis that caused me to be out of work and bedridden for three weeks. As I launched Unbounded Potential, I saw these unhealthy patterns get repeated through regular sinus infections. For the first two years in business, I had at least a dozen sinus infections requiring antibiotics each time. In exploring deeper what caused me to work nonstop and get sick repeatedly, I recognized that, fundamentally, I didn’t believe I was worth it. I didn’t believe I belonged. My personal morning routine is one of the greatest transformations in my life. It is the single starkest contrast to how I live my life today.

Simply put, my morning routine is all about me. I had to begin prioritizing me before I believed I was deserving. I took impeccable care of myself because I was committed to something more fundamental than work—myself. When I first began working with clients, my calls would often begin at 7:00 a.m. However, to accommodate my clients in Bangkok and Sydney, I would sometimes begin at 5:00 or 6:00 a.m. I now find this embarrassing to admit, given my commitment to self-care and normal work hours. These days, I find myself regularly up by sunrise and beginning calls at 10 a.m. to take advantage of my most productive morning hours.

Previously, if I couldn’t sleep, I would get up and begin working. These days, if something on my mind prevents sleep, I get up and write it down for the next day so that I sleep peacefully through the night. Or if I wake up early, I may take an early-morning bubble bath in candlelight and enjoy my glass of warm lemon water followed by coffee.

My morning routine has come a long way, but it’s not set in stone. It’s flexible. If I don’t make time for something every morning, I don’t make a big deal of it. Giving myself permission not to need to get it perfect makes it that much easier to begin anew the following day. Here’s the thing and this is key—I’m not committed to getting it right. I’m committed to the experience that a morning routine makes available for me. I’m committed to relating to my morning routine as self-care, self-love, and self-compassion, not a checklist I measure myself against. (While this is certainly how it used to be, I’ve won that battle.)

Your morning routine is your morning routine. There is no right way to do it. No need for perfection. Your morning routine is your time. If you believe you have no time to prioritize yourself, wake up an hour earlier for you. If you have kids, wake up before them so you have some time for yourself before all your time is for them. If you think you need the sleep, then you likely need time for yourself even more. I have shared my morning routine with you below as a place to get curious and discover what works for you. This exercise is not static. My morning rituals work for me; they are time-tested and they delight me. They are also rituals that expand and evolve over time. Here’s mine:

I start with a glass of warm lemon water. While I’m having my citrus elixir and then coffee, I journal. I write a letter to God. I share with the divine part of myself what is present for me, what I’m grateful for, what I’m struggling with, what I want, what I need, whatever is true for me. Then I write a letter back to myself from God. I write back to myself from the intuitive part of myself that already knows the answers. We all have access to intuition. This ritual allows me to connect with my subconscious and divine self.

When I was younger, I only journaled when I was upset or heartbroken about a boy. I never journaled regularly. I hated it. I didn’t believe in its value, and I only had a disempowered relationship to it. But one day, I just decided to put down the resistance and try it. I can’t emphasize enough how much of a difference this exercise and practice has made for me.

Next, I read. This past year is the first year since becoming an entrepreneur that I read more than one book per month. I read for thirty minutes or an hour, depending on how much time I can allot. It makes a big difference for me. It fills me with curiosity and new ideas.

Sometimes I don’t recommend reading for clients. Sometimes we use reading to distract ourselves from taking action. But for me, reading is an access point to inspiration that I leverage.

I typically work out at that point and either head to a morning CrossFit class or practice yoga at home.

I used to hate working out in the morning. I’ve come to realize, however, that the energy, focus, and sense of completion I get post-workout is simply more important to me than the resistance. That’s it. I experience resistance, but I just don’t listen to it.

From there, I come home and shower. Sometimes twice, if I’ve already taken a bubble bath. ;)

I make a smoothie or green juice.

After that, I’ll head to my office and write down my priorities for the workday if I haven’t listed them the evening before.

Then I check social media, email, and what I need to do for others. (But only after I’ve gotten my needs met for myself.)

TAKING ACTION: TIME TO BEGIN LIVING COMPASSIONATELY, STARTING WITH YOUR MORNING ROUTINE

This is so crucial. I hope you truly understand that by taking care of yourself first, you can honor both yourself and everyone else in your life more powerfully and generously. Start anywhere; if my list supports you in starting, great, but start somewhere. Today.

First, take three grounding breaths in through the nose and gently out through the mouth. Journal below what your ideal morning would look like. If you removed all of your current commitments and circumstances and started with nothing, how would you envision your ideal morning routine? Write in detail all your emotions, thoughts, and feelings. Practice freewriting on this for the next five-to-ten minutes at a minimum. Practice not allowing your pen or pencil to come off the page—just write whatever comes to you. Do this now:

Next, reread your journal entry above and note below the five-to-ten practices that would make the biggest difference if you integrate them every morning:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Today, I want you to implement one of these tasks. You will strengthen your muscle for integrating all these rituals into your daily routine, but start with one. Cofounder of BestSelf Cathryn Lavery recommends “habit stacking” as a way to build a new habit into your life by stacking it on top of something you’re already currently doing. For example, before I journal in the morning (current habit) I will meditate (new habit) for ten minutes.21

What support structures will you need to put in place to implement this? Will you need to wake up ten minutes earlier or go to a different room in the house each morning? Think this through for yourself. How can you set yourself up to fully integrate this ritual into your life? Share with your discussion group how it goes.

RECOMMENDED READING:

The 5-Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage by Mel Robbins

20 Ford, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, 146.

21 Cathryn Lavery, “Why Creating A Meaningful Morning Routine Will Make You More Successful.” HuffPost. December 6, 2017. accessed October 10, 2019.

Day 10

Learning to Ask for What We Need

It’s never overreacting to ask for what you want and need.

Amy Poehler

I’ve learned over the years that, when we shift our focus from needing someone else to make us feel a certain way, and instead focus on treating ourselves the way we desire to be treated, the result is more happiness and contentment. As we continue exploring how you can more fully enjoy the quality time you spend with yourself while alone or in the company of others, knowing your preferences and desires will go a long way to enhance your experience.

We often wait for someone else to make us feel loved or give us what we can’t or don’t know how to give to ourselves. When we love ourselves fully and give to ourselves first, however, the actions of our loved ones cease to be the most significant factor in our happiness, mood, or outlook on life. Take a look at the founding theorist of human psychology, Abraham Maslow, who developed the theory of the hierarchy of needs. He suggests we need to get our basic physiological needs met first, like food and water, before attempting to meet our need for love or self-actualization at its apex.

Maslow used the terms “physiological,” “safety,” “belonging and love,” “social needs” or “esteem,” and “self-actualization” to describe the pattern through which human motivations generally move. This means for motivation to occur at the next level, each level must be satisfied within the individual themselves. While many theorists say Maslow’s hierarchy is outdated, this theory has been foundational in human psychology and shows clearly how drive and motivation correlate when discussing human behavior and our ultimate human goal to attain the fifth level or stage: self-actualization.22 23

When my partner and I started dating, he would ask me where I wanted to go for dinner. I’d respond, “I want to go wherever you want to go.” (Thinking if I made him happy, I’d be happy too.) When one partner is willing to forgo their own interests or desires for the other’s happiness, both usually end up unhappy. Very clear of his own preferences, he was eager to balance the scale and make me happy. However, I didn’t see it and the simple request left me stressed and overwhelmed. Not knowing how to please him or make him happy, the result was often tension in my stomach, low-level anxiety, and a stressed-out couple in love, who at the time did not understand what went wrong.

Some of these seemingly innocuous yet highly stressful experiences have been my greatest teachers, if for no other reason than that they were irrational. When our emotional reactions outweigh the events, our loved ones are likely paying someone else’s bill. Steve Alley, Brené Brown’s husband, refers to this concept in the medical world as “chandelier pain” in Rising Strong. He says, “It hurts so much to the touch that people jump as high as the chandelier.”24 Brown goes on to explain that “one of the outcomes of attempting to ignore emotional pain is chandeliering. We think we’ve packed the hurt so far down that it can’t possibly resurface, yet all of a sudden, a seemingly innocuous comment sends us into a rage or sparks a crying fit. Or maybe a small mistake at work triggers a huge shame attack. Perhaps a colleague’s constructive feedback hits that exquisitely tender place and we jump out of our skin...If it happens often enough, chandeliering leads to eggshell environments—fear-based settings where everyone is on edge.”25

If chandeliering is a common experience, we likely need healing work. If we are willing to do the work to heal our emotional pain, we will start to notice these outbursts and lean into them with self-compassion and curiosity. Since these early date nights gone astray, I’ve learned that loving me includes giving myself permission to think about what I want and how to meet that need for myself, and then in partnership with another. When with loved ones, that includes naming my preference for dinner or what I’d like to do on the weekends. So often I hear clients lament that they don’t know what they need in their relationships, careers, or weekend activities. I let them know we do know what we want. Knowing what you want is simply a muscle you haven’t flexed in a while. It takes time, practice, and a certain level of discomfort for that muscle to work at its peak performance, just like strengthening any new muscle required at the gym.

Research shows that mindfulness is key in strengthening needs awareness. Dr. Seth Gillihan at the University of Pennsylvania suggests that “mindfulness involves coming into the present in an open and non-prejudging way. When we are present and open, we are more likely to notice what we’re feeling, what we’re thinking, and what we might need.”

We can practice mindfully opening to what our needs are by26:

1. Taking a moment to breathe with awareness, noticing what our bodies might be telling us;

2. Pausing for a moment when we’re feeling a craving to reach for that dessert, beer, or iPhone and listening for what our deeper need might be;

3. Taking an inventory of our deeper needs:

– Are we satisfied with the quality of our relationships?

– Do we have an adequate opportunity to exercise our strengths?

– Do we have autonomy in our day-to-day life decisions?

Being surrounded by others who are flexing the same muscles encourages us to do the same.

Hearing others’ stories and watching their transformations shows us human change is attainable. My former coach consistently went to the gym six days per week. He experienced no resistance and no procrastination in this area. It was simply his commitment and he honored it. As I began my own journey around prioritizing my well-being and self-care, I always admired his ability to clearly articulate his deeper needs regardless of his work or travel schedule. I had, after all, always seen going to the gym as optional. If I had pending deadlines or a visitor, my gym time was the first thing to get dropped to meet my other “more important” commitments. I learned from him that through prioritizing himself and his deeper needs first, he had more clarity and generosity of heart to give to others second. We can do it too.

Conversely, the opposite is true. The sibling or friend who triggers us because they’re always the center of attention or making plans for the group is similarly a great indicator of a need we’re not meeting for ourselves. Next time you notice yourself getting irritated that you can’t seem to get a word in edgewise or are having Chinese food one too many times, start getting really curious about what you are leaving unsaid.

TAKING ACTION: TIME TO START FLEXING THOSE MUSCLES AROUND WHAT YOU NEED

Today, we will revisit and expand upon a practice we covered last week about getting connected with our needs. The Nonviolent Communication Method is a wonderful method for helping us identify our needs. When we begin the journey of knowing ourselves, having a list of potential needs can be a useful structure to help. Use the following Needs Inventory to try on different words and discover what resonates with you. With patience and practice, you will become more skilled in identifying your needs and speaking on behalf of them.27

Today, print and post this Needs Inventory below (or download it directly from CNVC.org) in a prominent spot where you can access it throughout the day.

CONNECTION

acceptance

affection

appreciation

belonging

cooperation

communication

closeness

community

companionship

compassion

consideration

consistency

empathy

inclusion

intimacy

love

mutuality

nurturing

respect/self-respect

safety

security

stability

support

to know and be known

to see and be seen

to understand and

be understood

trust

warmth

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING

air

food

movement/exercise

rest/sleep

sexual expression

safety

shelter

touch

water

HONESTY

authenticity

integrity

presence

PLAY

joy

humor

PEACE

beauty

communion

ease

equality

harmony

inspiration

order

AUTONOMY

choice

freedom

independence

space

spontaneity

MEANING

awareness

celebration of life

challenge

clarity

competence

consciousness

contribution

creativity

discovery

efficacy

effectiveness

growth

hope

learning

mourning

participation

purpose

self-expression

stimulation

to matter

understanding

Practice noticing what you need and lovingly meeting that need for yourself daily this week. This could include taking the action yourself or making a request of someone else. Track those needs that you meet for yourself below and note any insights you discover about yourself:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

RECOMMENDED READING:

Getting Real: Ten Truth Skills You Need to Live an Authentic Life by Susan Campbell, PhD

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) by Don Miguel Ruiz

22 Matthew Barnes, “A Theory of Human Motivation: A. H. Maslow (1943).” Classics in the History of Psychology. August 2000. accessed December 15, 2019.

23 “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.” Wikimedia Foundation. Last modified January 31, 2020. accessed February 1, 2020.

24 Brené Brown, Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. (New York: Penguin Random House, 2017), 60.

25 Ibid, 61.

26 Seth J. Gillihan, PhD, “Do You Know What You Need?” Psychology Today. July 27, 2015. accessed July 14, 2019.

27 “Needs Inventory.” The Center for Nonviolent Communication. accessed January 15, 2019.

Day 11

The Anger Iceberg

The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it...

Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight

Calls with clients are often like a game of chess, except that I play on my client’s team. We never know what we will get, and sometimes we have to move back to gain some perspective and move forward again. This was certainly the case the day I screamed at the top of my lungs while punching a pillow in front of my computer screen, to model for my client what I wanted him to practice. He looked at me as if I had gone crazy when I said, “Now, your turn.”

I remember that day so vividly. Bob remained mute on our video call. We had worked together for nearly a year at this point and had developed lots of rapport, but he could not bring himself to express anger. This is a common experience for my clients, as it had been mine years before.

Through our work together, we discovered that Bob’s unexpressed anger about his childhood had blocked him and caused him to try healing his unmet needs through his relationships and an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. We discovered that it was hard for Bob to express any emotion, not simply anger. While his sense of responsibility led him to be incredibly reliable and a go-to person for many, it also left him susceptible to being taken advantage of by those in his life. I gave Bob an exercise before our next session to verbalize and release his anger as access to finding his voice, ability to say no, and ability to begin taking care of himself again.

In The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Debbie Ford explains that “screaming is a good way to let out pent-up emotions. Often our voices have been literally suppressed and we can’t use our entire vocal range. When you allow yourself to scream completely, with every ounce of your being, you can clear out repressed energies. If you don’t want to disturb anyone, scream into a pillow. If you have never screamed, or if you grew up in a home where there was a lot of screaming, you may have decided screaming was wrong. Now we’re back to ‘what you can’t be with won’t let you be.”28 So scream. It’s important to have access to your entire range of emotions. At first, Bob resisted, still horrified that I would recommend this, certain he could not express anger. I told him this is a common experience and that most individuals find great relief in leaning into the exercise anyway. He agreed and left, willing to attempt the exercise over the following week.

The next week Bob called and shared that he attempted the exercise twice and couldn’t do it. I reminded him of our conversation from the past week and his commitment to discovering his voice and asked him if he was willing to practice with me on our call again. I asked him to go and collect a pillow and then practice punching a pillow as he screamed out loud. Often, the act alone of verbalizing our constrained emotions, with words or simply sounds, creates an energetic release. After some posturing, Bob let go and began punching the pillow, getting continually louder. When he finished, I asked him what the experience was like, and he said he felt lighter. We celebrated his efforts and I suggested he could still get louder and asked if he was willing to continue practicing.

When I next connected with Bob, he happily reported that he had gotten so frustrated at one of his family members that he did some anger release work in the car. He shared that the act alone allowed him to put a boundary in place with his brother and say no to something he would have easily acquiesced to before our work together. The other day, Bob called me glowing and shared that he had met a woman who was nothing like any of the women he had dated before. She treated him wonderfully, and he could be vulnerable with her and ask for what he wanted and needed.

The concept that anger can be like an iceberg, where most of what you see lies beneath the surface, was developed by the Gottman Institute. Anger is often called a secondary emotion because we tend to resort to anger to protect ourselves or avert ourselves from other, more vulnerable emotions. A primary feeling, conversely, is felt immediately before we feel anger. We almost always feel something else before we get angry. We may first feel ashamed, attacked, misunderstood, pressured, trapped, afraid, or even sad. While we may only see anger, the other emotions exist beneath the surface where they are not immediately perceived by outside observers.29 30

As I’ve seen time and time again with clients who believe they don’t have access to their own anger, anger is often the tip of the iceberg for many additional suppressed emotions that lie further beneath the surface. By giving himself permission to allow his anger to come up, Bob gained access to his other suppressed emotions.

Clients who are up for this deep work frequently share that they’re scared to uncover their deep well of emotions, afraid of what they might find at the bottom. I often tell them that the greater challenge is likely not that they can’t express their emotions, but rather that they are unable not to. I question clients about their experience with crying or exploding with anger. Their recollection of expressing these emotions occurs as outbursts to others even if they do not realize it for themselves.

I am reminded of my client Eve, who cried regularly on our coaching calls. Often without due cause or reason, Eve would cry on a nearly weekly basis for the first six months we worked together. As Eve began practicing expressing her feelings and needs in the moment, her tears dried up. In Difficult Conversations, the authors explain that one common explanation for habitual anger or tears is quite the opposite of what we might expect. They write, “We don’t cry or lose our temper because we express our feelings too often, but because we express them too rarely. Like finally opening a carbonated drink that has been shaken, the results can be messy.”31 While it’s true that it may get messier and more confronting before it gets easier, taking on and releasing our unexpressed emotions is necessary to return to a normal emotional state.

In my experience, it is no surprise that Bob attracted his first healthy relationship at essentially the same time he was confronting his unresolved anger and giving himself permission to feel those emotions. The Imago Theory, based on the relationship work of psychotherapists Harville Hendrix and wife Helen LaKelly Hunt, tells us that the wounds we experienced in childhood with our primary caretakers will resurface in our adult relationships. Imago work explains that we will continue to attract partners in our lives to heal our childhood wounds until we heal them. Hendrix writes,

Our unconscious need is to have our feelings of aliveness and wholeness restored by someone who reminds us of our caretakers. In other words, we look for someone with the same deficits of care and attention that hurt us in the first place. So when we fall in love, when bells ring and the world seems altogether a better place, our old brain is telling us that we’ve found someone with whom we can finally get our needs met. Unfortunately, since we don’t understand what’s going on, we’re shocked when the awful truth of our beloved surfaces, and our first impulse is to run screaming in the opposite direction.32

This is just one possibility of expressing anger. Our ability to get comfortable with and access our own anger allows us to be with others’ anger as well, without taking it personally. This has had a significant impact on my own life. Normalizing my own anger and giving it permission to express itself without making it bad or wrong allowed me to more fully show up self-expressed in the presence of others without fear of triggering them or causing them anger. Healthy anger has allowed me to be free in so many ways; this is my greatest desire for you.

TAKING ACTION: GIVING PERMISSION TO ALL THE PARTS OF YOU

One of the most frequent responses I receive from clients regarding anger release work is that “they’re not angry people.” If that is you, then I’m even more excited for you in leaning into this exercise than the readers who have access to their own anger. Now, there is most certainly both healthy anger, which gives us access to new parts of ourselves and to our power, and also unhealthy anger, which has us smearing our own unexpressed emotions and needs all over other people. Most anger is about our own unresolved emotions and wounds, not so much about other people.

Today’s practice is about giving yourself permission to express your healthy anger. You could practice this using multiple methods. To be super clear, this is about you expressing your anger to yourself versus someone else.

Here are a few methods to consider:

• Practice punching a pillow for two minutes while yelling out loud. It doesn’t matter if you yell words, sounds, profanities, or people’s names, just as long as you use your voice. The louder you get, the better. Punch and yell constantly without stopping for two minutes. I recommend using a timer so you can fully lean into the exercise without needing to mind the clock.

• A simpler version of this is to yell in your car with the windows up and music on or not, just as long as you yell. I recommend keeping the volume low, so you can hear the sound of your own voice.

• Conversely, you can practice hitting a loose-leaf notebook on the corner of a table or the back of a chair while yelling.

• A new business model has emerged where you can pay for the number of pounds of trash you want to break with a bat. Think enamel plateware or China, old TVs or electronic equipment, etc. Look in your city for the nearest Break Room or similar business.

• If you’re looking for an ongoing practice or structure to embody your anger, consider a boxing class, martial arts, or kickboxing class.

Do not relate to this practice as optional today. Take a minute and consider what structures or logistics you need to put in place so you can take on this exercise today. Do you need to borrow the car from your partner this afternoon? Do you need to find an old notebook? Take a minute and jot down what logistics you need to handle to follow through on this exercise:

You may have some (or even a lot of) resistance to taking this exercise on. I get it—I did too. In The War of Art, Steven Pressfield explains that “resistance has no strength of its own. Every ounce of juice it possesses comes from us. We feed it with power by our fear of it. Master that fear and we conquer Resistance.”33 So the greater your resistance to anything, the greater the possibility available to you on the other side of facing it. We tend to look for a detour or side approach to overcome resistance, but there is no detour to ourselves. The only way is through it. Empower your book club or a loved one to truly hold you accountable to this today; you will be grateful you did.

After taking on this exercise, journal how it felt in your body. What were you present to? How did you experience that heightened energy or response in your body, your feelings, your thoughts, your relationship to possibility?

RECOMMENDED READING:

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen

28 Ford, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, 85.

29 Kyle Benson, “The Anger Iceberg.” The Gottman Institute. November 8, 2016. accessed July 12, 2019.

30 “Anger: A Secondary Emotion.” accessed July 16, 2019.

31 Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. (New York: Penguin, 2010), 89.

32 “What is Imago?” (website), Harville & Helen, accessed February 1, 2020.

33 Steven Pressfield, The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles. (New York: Black Irish Entertainment, 2012), 16.

Day 12

Embracing Personal Responsibility

Character — the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life — is the source from which self-respect springs.

Joan Didion, On Self Respect

I still remember that Monday morning. I woke up and, having intentionally stayed off email over the weekend, opened my email, excited to start the week. To my dismay, there were two dozen new emails in my inbox that all required my immediate attention. I felt so powerless that morning. I questioned how I would ever handle my true priorities while making time for these urgent emails.

I’ve come to find humor in my relationship to my email inbox, but it has frequently served as a weapon I have used to victimized myself for not having enough time or being sufficiently on top of things. When you become your own boss, you are responsible for endless tasks and priorities, which I swiftly realized after making that transition for myself. I had a call with my coach that afternoon and requested coaching for the stress my inbox was causing me. I still remember him telling me, “Cat, I have 10,366 emails in my inbox and I’m not stressed out about any of them.”

I was dumbfounded. “How could that be?” I cried out loud as I withdrew in utter shock. I learned a tough lesson in business and in life that day. I can either be mastered and victimized by my thoughts and circumstances or become the master of them. Dr. Athena Staik suggests that our thoughts become activators of life-transforming inner processes:

We are conditioned to think too highly of our ability (power) to change others (mostly illusion), and sit passively on what is the real miracle-making power to change self from within. Several actions are necessary to transform thoughts and limiting beliefs, however, the most important has to do with what you choose to believe about yourself in relation to life around you. More specifically, do you overall perceive (think and feel) yourself as an active choice maker or agent, a conscious creator of past and present outcomes in your life (yes… acts of Nature are exceptions) — or do you overall perceive outcomes to be a result of what others or life has brought your way? These states of mind are also known respectively as being “at cause” versus “at effect.” Regardless of your decision, each produces a feeling state of mind and body that accordingly has the power to shape the direction of your life. Whereas the latter leaves you feeling you’re passively watching your life on a movie screen, in the former, you are in the movie taking the reins of your life, with set intentions of what the story is about in the theater of your mind: your imagination. A person is either in a place of protection or a place of growth. For healing to take place, you need to make a conscious choice, at any given moment, to step into a place of growth and learning.34

One of the hardest lessons I have learned in business is that I am ultimately responsible for all of it. It is always our responsibility. This became a lot more obvious when I became self-employed. It required me to come to grips with how I allowed myself to be victimized by other people, the weather, and, yes, most certainly, my email inbox. I’ve created more excuses than I’d like to recount, letting myself off the hook over the years. Circumstances will always get in our way, and they won’t change until we do. Learning personal responsibility has been one of the most difficult and crucial lessons I’ve learned as a business owner. As soon as we start listening to this mindset in our day-to-day life, we will see just how common playing the role of victim is. Every time you blame it on the traffic, the metro being delayed, that person not getting back to you, or the birthday party at the office that caused you to eat two slices of cake, you are playing the victim.

Certainly, we’re entitled to play the role of the victim. We get to have all of our feelings and reactions. Our victim mindset may make us feel better about our current reality and provide us people to collude with about our grievances and buy into our excuses, but it will be temporary relief. Ultimately, our experience will never change until we change it. That starts and ends with taking responsibility for all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I know it might feel good to be right and to make someone else wrong. But this strategy won’t last, even if playing the victim has been effective in the past. It will run out. I don’t know when, but I guarantee you, it will.

Be proud of learning to champion yourself and what you are creating in the world. It will give you personal freedom—freedom to avoid being so negatively impacted by others and their choices, freedom to express yourself, freedom to give up resentments and blame, and the freedom to be fully yourself.

TAKING ACTION: TIME TO REWRITE YOUR OWN STORY

Today, we will begin listening to ourselves. Please be gentle with yourself. Rewriting these scripts will require grace and self-compassion. All of your feelings and the places in life where you feel powerless to change are valid. We have been conditioned to think too highly of our ability to change others and too little of our ability to change ourselves. We have potentially had this modeled for us by our loved ones, and it may have worked in the past to get us what we want. However, the benefits are minuscule compared to the freedom and peace available to us in being fully responsible and proactive for creating our own experiences. No one or nothing can take that away from us.

So how can you show up in life and take responsibility for everything happening around you?

Begin by writing below the places in your life where you have become victimized by someone or some external circumstances. For myself, I might include (yes, still) my email inbox, my resistance to getting up early to work out when I travel, my inability to stay on track with all the books I want to read on my wish list, my challenge with eating healthy when our refrigerator is empty. There’s no wrong answer—just brain dump all that comes to mind now.

Now, go back through your first list and brainstorm how you can shift your experience of these circumstances and become the master of them. Some of mine are as simple as surrendering and choosing to be at peace with my email inbox, or perhaps scheduling in thirty minutes each morning and afternoon to handle email only during those times. Journal now how you can rewrite your own story:

34 Athena Staik, PhD, “The Power of Subconscious Learning: Transform Your Thoughts, Transform Your Life.” Psych Central. April 19, 2014. accessed August 31, 2019.

Day 13

Fail Forward

Failure is a feeling long before it’s an actual result oftentimes advanced by fear.

Michelle Obama

I walked into the testing center that morning queasy. It should have been a slam dunk. I had been in school for two years preparing for this day. I had let all those closest to me know what I was preparing for. I had studied for months for the exam and invested thousands in schooling and then thousands more in an exam prep course. I was gifted with numbers and had sound financial sense. I was already an economist, so this certification was a natural extension of where I had already established a comfortable living.

But I failed the test. I had envisioned calling myself a Certified Financial Planner for years, and I saw my dreams flash before my eyes when I saw the results immediately upon finishing the exam in the testing center that day. Failing the exam was a new degree of embarrassment for me, but the shame with which I associated that failure was debilitating.

Like many of my clients, I have learned much more about myself from my failures than my successes. J.K. Rowling would agree. No stranger to failure herself, Rowling submitted her Harry Potter series to twelve publishing houses, all of which rejected her, before the series was picked up by one. In her well-known 2008 commencement speech at Harvard University, Rowling shared with the audience that we all have to decide what constitutes failure for ourselves, because the world is eager to give us criteria for doing so if we hand over that right. Rowling shares,

So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.35

Rowling goes on to share that failure taught her things about herself that she could never have learned any other way. This has been my experience as well. While I have never faced the depth of despair Rowling must have felt in nearly becoming homeless, failing that licensing exam was a huge blow to my ego, and I now recognize it was one of the best failures that ever happened to me. If I hadn’t failed that test, it may have taken me years to realize that financial planning was never the highest expression of my passion. Perhaps we can get on the same page as Thomas Edison before he succeeded with his invention of the light bulb when he famously pronounced, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” From my failure, two businesses were born, which fill me with joy and a deep sense of personal satisfaction.

Many of us try to keep up a facade of perfectionism to avoid failure. We want to have it all together. Failing publicly is often our biggest fear. Perfectionism can often serve as a perfect strategy to avoid failure. Without failure, however, we also lack growth and progress. Without failure, we limit our capacity to feel fully alive. “Fear of fear may lead you to hang back, living a lesser life than you are capable,”36 says David Deida in The Way of the Superior Man.

Fear of fear may lead you to push ahead, living a false life, off-center, tense and missing the moment. But the capacity to feel this moment, including your fear, without trying to escape it, creates a state of alive and humble spontaneity. You are ready for the unknown as it unfolds, since you are not pulled back or pushed forward from the horizon of the moment. You are hanging right over the edge. By leaning just beyond your fear, you challenge your limits compassionately, without trying to escape the feeling of fear itself. You step beyond the solid ground of security with an open heart. You stand in the space of unknowingness, raw and awake. Here, the gravity of deep being will attend you to the only place where fear is obsolete: the eternal free fall of home. Where you always are.37

Own your fear and lean just beyond it. In every aspect of your life. Starting now.

So will you listen to the voice of your fears or to the voice of your vision? I’ve noticed, along my own path and for my clients, that fear of failure often has a death grip on us. A client asked me recently, “How do we actually release the chokehold of potential failure and be more committed to listening to the voice of our vision?”

I replied, “Start before you’re ready and fail on purpose in order to access your true north.”

She was startled that part of my recipe for success purposely includes failure. But success must include failure because we learn so much about ourselves through it. Often, our fear of failure is worse than the actual experience. It’s a classic case of the bark being worse than the bite.

TAKING ACTION: FAILING ON PURPOSE

So how can we become more comfortable with failure? Today, we will begin practicing with a simple exercise I use with clients called “Failing on Purpose.”

The idea is simple. We test our resolve in an area where we struggle with fear of failure. Conduct a micro-test to get used to the experience of failing on purpose. The secret to our comfort zone is that it is elastic and expands and contracts with our willingness to stretch it. Start asking for what you want today, even if you know the answer will be no. Eventually, you will hear differently! I always remind myself that the sooner I receive a no, the closer my next yes becomes.

If your boss asks you to do an assignment at work, ask for the amount of time you truly want to get the task done. If you’re fearful of people, walk down the street, making eye contact with others, smiling and saying “hello” to perfect strangers. If your goal is to get a promotion at work, sit down with your direct supervisor and let them know, then ask for support about how to make it happen. If you want to earn more money, ask for the fee you desire. If you’re fearful of not making a quota, make a powerful declaration to your community of your intended result.

This is exactly what happened with my client Stella. She worked in sales and was falling behind her quota to win an all-expense-paid trip for two to the Caribbean. I challenged her to up the ante and make a powerful declaration and tell people she was going to win the trip. (It’s one thing to keep it to yourself when there’s so much at stake . . . it’s another thing when you tell others!)

Her community became involved in her efforts, supported her, and held her accountable. She ultimately achieved her goal and spent a glorious week with her partner in the Caribbean! Stella determined to become more committed to what she wanted rather than what she feared.

How can one fail on purpose? Play with it. Exposing oneself to more difficult situations heightens our threshold for success and gets us more comfortable with failure. I’ll leave you with this: “Are you going to listen to the voice of your fears, or to the voice of your vision?”

Conduct your own micro-test. Think of an area of your life where you struggle with fear of failure and practice failing forward today. Journal below what you will commit to today that feels uncomfortable:

After conducting your micro-test, journal what your experience was like. How did it feel in your body to confront your fear of failure? What did you notice and discover about yourself?

RECOMMENDED READING:

Feel the Fear...and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers, PhD

35 J.K. Rowling, “Text of J.K. Rowling’s Speech.” The Harvard Gazette. June 5, 2008. accessed January 20, 2020.

36 David Deida, The Way of the Spiritual Man: A Practical Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire. (Colorado: Sounds True, 2017), 30.

37 Ibid.

Day 14

Taking Off the Mask of Perfection

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people.

Anne Lamott

Congratulations! You’ve made it to the end of week two. We’ll end the second week with a conversation around perfectionism. For many, putting down the need to get everything perfect will be a lifetime of choosing from moment to moment, as has been the case for my client Paula. On a recent call, Paula requested coaching for how to put down perfectionism in her professional life and in her relationships. As an entrepreneur, she knew she needed to examine how she was showing up for herself, her partner, her clients, and loved ones.

The case for Paula is the same for many high performers as they begin attaining their goals: the bar for perfectionism only rises if we aren’t mindful about what we’re committed to. That day, Paula shared that “she had never been happier and felt more fulfilled and confronted all at once.”

I told Paula how normal this was, that often when we take on a new challenge at work or commit to a new relationship, our habitual ways of being and doing life start to creep in.

“It’s like controlling for different variables in a petri dish,” I said, “to see what you’ve actually transformed versus what is still an old habit or disempowering way of being.”

Paula had successfully put down her need for perfectionism in dealing with her clients. As she created new levels of results in her business, she was challenged not to revert to her old ways of being in business—controlling the output of her staff, placing mistrust on anyone outside of herself, putting in longer hours, etc. Forbes columnist Brianna Wiest explains this phenomenon: “Your mind is constantly filtering and bringing to your attention information and stimuli that affirms your preexisting beliefs (this is known in psychology as confirmation bias) as well as presenting you with repeated thoughts and impulses that mimic and mirror that which you’ve done in the past.”38

I shared with Paula that in my petri dish, for example, time frequently becomes scarce in the presence of overwhelm and, consequently, negatively impacts my relationship. Recently, when the proverbial shit hit the fan in my own life, rather than choosing to be intimate and share with my partner about my fear of not fulfilling all of my commitments and requesting additional support, I reverted to my familiar perfectionistic tendencies of grinding through, alone and isolated. My partner has learned to lovingly call me out on it. Truthfully, it scares me to ask for support, to imply that I’m not perfect and can’t handle all my responsibilities on my own: What? Who would love someone like THAT? says the voice of my inner critic.

Needing to look perfect and come off a certain way in order to be loved has kept me from being authentic and real. Many of us need to be more committed to growth and accepting ourselves than being committed to the martyrdom of bearing the weight of the world on our backs. Our perfectionism keeps us separate and alone. It keeps our default need to prove our lovability and worth intact versus embracing who we are and having that be enough. Our perfectionism has us avoid intimacy at all costs. It also enforces the societal expectation that we need to look and show up a certain way to be beautiful or successful.

Through embracing our humanity and imperfections, we begin to accept ourselves for who we truly are and appreciate ourselves and others more. Through releasing the need to get things perfect, we release ourselves from the never-ending stronghold of needing to measure up and be worthy. By choosing intimacy and honesty, we will attract and create authentic and deeper relationships. Life will become more joyful as a result of embracing ourselves and creating a deeper level of love and connectedness with ourselves and with others.

TAKING ACTION: TIME TO TAKE OFF THE MASK

I invite you to take off the mask of perfectionism this week so you can start truly embracing and connecting with who you really are and find your own joy within.

Visualization is a great way to begin embracing and encountering all the parts of you that your fear-based thoughts want to control and get perfect. Our subconscious responds well to pictures, which is why visualization can be powerful.

For today’s practice, take the next ten minutes and imagine all the areas of your life where you find yourself striving for perfection:

• your relationship with yourself

• your romantic life

• your family

• your body

• your diet

• your lifestyle

• your home

• your friendships

• your work

• or any other area of your life?

Now get comfortable, either sit or lie down and close your eyes. Imagine if no limitations stood in your way, if you released perfection from your grip; how might your life shift in these areas? Visualize your life in as much detail as possible. How do you feel? What does life look, taste, smell, and sound like? What is possible for you in this distinct way of being? From being perfect just as you are for who you are? What picture will you paint?

After you have completed your visualization, journal your insights below:

Consider that how you experience your life is a result of your thoughts and beliefs. In what one area of your life can you practice surrendering perfection for what is?

38 Brianna Wiest. “13 Ways To Start Training Your Subconscious Mind To Get What You Want.” Forbes. September 12, 2018. accessed June 20, 2019.

Week Two

Suggested Study Guide for Group Discussion

1. Share with the group your insights from your first week of dating yourself. What was it like to be with yourself? What qualities did you delight in about yourself in those quiet and cherished moments?

2. Discuss with the group what came up as you journaled about your ideal morning. What would be the same or enhanced? What would be different?

3. Share your morning routine with the group. What practices or rituals will you integrate into your schedule first?

4. Share what you learned from employing the Nonviolent Communication Method.

5. What did you discover about your own anger this week?

6. Discuss with the group how your body felt after taking on the anger release work. What were you present to—your feelings, your thoughts, your relationship to possibility?

7. How can you begin to show up in life and take responsibility for everything happening around you?

8. What are you discovering for yourself about personal responsibility?

9. Share with the group your micro-test experience about failing on purpose.

10. What is your relationship to perfectionism? How can you practice surrendering perfection for what is?

Day 15

Embodying Success Instead of Imposter Syndrome

Sometimes, sitting here in the dark, slowly slowly creating strategy, she wondered if she was only fooling herself to think her plans were clever.

Vernor Vinge, The Children of the Sky

Many high performers share this dirty little secret. We feel like complete imposters and like we do not belong. We operate with a story that we are complete frauds and experience a fear of being found out. Believing ourselves undeserving of our successes, we attribute our accomplishments and wins to luck, chance, happenstance, or some other fortuitous cause. In week three, we will explore how to rewrite this script and begin to embrace and celebrate ourselves.

I had been looking forward to this introductory call for weeks. We had been collaborating on a proposal for what would have been my largest and most prominent contract in my career to date. On this video call, I would finally meet the other women coaches and facilitators with whom I had only been in contact over email. I was excited to meet other leaders in the industry, to be inspired by them, and even potentially to inspire and share.

When I joined the call that day, full of excitement and anticipation, I felt the familiar twinge that I didn’t belong. While I had the same professional credentials as my peers, a similar number of degrees and years of experience, I could not escape it. The edge of that pang of inadequacy and insecurity has dulled over time, but I am no stranger to feeling like an imposter.

These feelings are known as “imposter syndrome” or what psychologists often call “imposter phenomenon.” One study showed that an estimated seventy percent of individuals experience these imposter feelings at some point in their lives, according to a review article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science.39

On this day, I was struck by the feeling because, while I was among colleagues and collaborators, they felt more like competitors. While this is certainly not the first time—nor will it be the last time—I feel this way in a group, the difference was that I was not in charge of leading this particular gathering since it wasn’t my event. I didn’t relate to myself as a leader of the group. This is fuel for my story that I should just defer to others and go along with the flow.

We are leaders in any environment we involve ourselves in as long as we relate to ourselves in that way. But I took off my leader hat and watched in growing discomfort and disinterest as each of my colleagues shared their accolades like they were reading their resumes. When it was my turn to introduce myself, I partook in similar inauthentic fashion but, for the most part, realized I had already checked out. I had decided that these were not my people, so I emotionally disengaged from the conversation to protect myself. I told myself that being surrounded by stuffy, resume-driven professionals was not my cup of tea, which, of course, was my inner critic jumping into self-preservation mode.

Had I been willing to lean in and relate to myself as a leader and equal, I would have done things differently. I would have created context and modeled the level of intimacy and vulnerability that would have created a distinct experience of emotional safety and connectedness for this gathering.

I took away from this experience that it only takes one individual to trust themselves, to lean into their edge and share vulnerably, to get out of the stuffiness in their own head and share from a connected, grounded, heart-centered place. As an introvert, I wish I had leaned in to being vulnerable and allowing my voice to be heard that day, but I did not. Stephen Brookfield, Ph.D., is an expert in imposter syndrome research. In an interview in Psychology Today, he suggested that while both extroverts and introverts experience imposter syndrome, “introverts are less likely to talk publicly about this and to ruminate internally on it. Extroverts are more likely to let slip their sense of it when talking with others, which means that they are more likely to get reassurance from colleagues that they too suffer from it.”40 We must allow our voices to be heard. Brookfield goes on to explain that the way to overcome imposter syndrome is “by going public about it. Once someone in a position of prominence names impostorship, it becomes normal, natural, and predictable. When a senior leader admits to it, you can see people relaxing and being ready to own up to it too. It’s as if a weight of unrealizable expectations has been removed from their shoulders.”41

While we may not feel comfortable or ready to relate to ourselves as senior leaders in every situation, there are communities where we can practice. We must start leaning into the edge of our comfort zones and allowing ourselves to be seen and our voices to be heard. A well-known introvert herself, Susan Cain shares the following in her book Quiet: “If there is only one insight you take away from this book, though, I hope it’s a newfound sense of entitlement to be yourself. I can vouch personally for the life-transforming effects of this outlook.”42 I share similar sentiments.

It only takes one person to share vulnerably in a gathering to set the foundation for everyone to open up. It only takes one person willing to allow themselves to be seen in order for all to see. In romantic relationships, it only takes one person to feel vulnerable and express their hurt versus defaulting to that familiar, “he said, she said,” place of blame. It only takes one person to break the norms of competition over collaboration and remember there is more than enough for all of us. It only takes one family member at the Thanksgiving table to shift the table conversation from one of gossip to gratitude. It only takes one female entrepreneur to own out loud her experience of feeling like an imposter to create the space for a more connected and authentic conversation for everyone. I learned this lesson the hard way this time. For all the occasions in which I’ve been able to lean into being authentic and vulnerable, that day, I did not.

This experience is not uncommon. The term “impostor phenomenon” was originally coined in a study of high-achieving women in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes.43 The findings uncovered that many of their female clients found it challenging to internalize and accept their accomplishments. Results showed that the women were “more often than not likely to attribute their successes to serendipity, luck, contacts, timing, perseverance, charm, or even the ability to appear more capable than they felt themselves to be.” Since then, much research has confirmed that both men and women experience impostor feelings. Clance and Joe Langford later published a paper acknowledging that impostor syndrome is not limited to women, and a survey of several populations “found no differences between the sexes in the degree to which they experience impostor feelings.”44

Many of my clients have shared that they find it increasingly hard to share their wins or successes in an authentic way that doesn’t come off like gloating. Maintaining a sense of hyper-vigilance on what’s not working or what’s wrong with ourselves or with others becomes a common replacement for many. For this reason, I often tell my clients, women and men alike, that they rarely share successes or accomplishments on our calls. On one call, I told Betsy, “Focusing on the never-ending laundry list of what’s wrong or broken seems to be more comfortable for you than acknowledging what is working or what you can celebrate.”

Betsy began crying as she realized how loudly the volume of her inner critic tended to play even as she was undergoing some significant transitions in her life. As she began to bully herself and make herself wrong for having an inner critic, I reflected that this was more of the same pattern.

I asked, “What is one thing different you could practice instead?”

She shared, “I would like to begin each call celebrating with you my wins or successes since our last call.”

Realizing the significance of this conversation for Betsy, I remained quiet, waiting for her to begin sharing. Eventually, Betsy told me she was proud of herself for finally leaving a loveless marriage of nearly ten years. She trusted in her ability to love her sons and knew they would be okay. She had already located an apartment for herself and was excited to decorate it according to her own tastes. She already knew her desired color palette and noted how easy it was to find the apartment, a close drive from her former home.

Week Three of this book is for Betsy, for me, and for all of us who similarly struggle with celebrating ourselves and acknowledging our wins. May we begin to feel proud of ourselves, focus on what is working, and take up space. Our ability to share openly about ourselves and embody our successes is a perfect mirror for our internal reality.

TAKING ACTION: A TOAST TO YOU

Today, we will practice what I love exploring with clients at the beginning of our coaching sessions. What wins do you have to share? What would you like to celebrate yourself for?

If you’re anything like me, your default is to focus on what’s not working or what’s next. We so often find ourselves looking backward or looking to what’s next that we rarely stop to celebrate what is or what we can acknowledge ourselves for.

Please journal below about the wins you’ve accomplished or what you would like to celebrate yourself for:

RECOMMENDED READING:

The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Imposter Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It by Valerie Young, Ed.D.

39 Jaruwan Sakulku and James Alexander, “The Impostor Phenomenon.” International Journal of Behavioral Science. Vol. 11, No. 1, (2011): 75-76. accessed October 10, 2019.

40 Nancy Ancowitz, “Managing Your Impostor Syndrome:” Psychology Today April 17, 2013. accessed January 20, 2020.

41 Ibid.

42 Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. (New York: Random House, 2013), 15.

43 Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes, “The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention.” Psychotherapy Theory, Research and Practice. Vol. 15. No. 3. (Fall 1978): 1-8. accessed November 15, 2019.

44 Joe Langford and Pauline Rose Clance, “The Impostor Phenomenon: Recent Research Findings Regarding Dynamics, Personality, and Family Patterns and their Implications for Treatment.” Psychotherapy. Vol. 30. No. 3. (Fall 1993): 496. accessed November 15, 2019.

Day 16

Happiness over Righteousness

When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind.

R.J. Palacio

For many, getting it right is a means of validation and feeling good about ourselves. It has also become a coping mechanism for managing our sense of feeling like an imposter. Our bend toward righteousness, accuracy, and correctness has become a measuring stick by which we can assess our value. Today, we will discuss the consequence this dynamic plays in our lives and what else you may practice instead.

On a recent call with my client Bonnie, we distinguished that she was more committed to getting it right in life and business than she was to being happy. In other words, she desired to be right and get it right rather than embracing and loving herself, encountering her needs in the moment, and ultimately choosing happiness. Carl Jung explained this concept when he said, “The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves.” I have so much compassion for others on this journey, as this has been a lifelong struggle for me too. It’s also been one of the greatest breakthroughs I’ve had along my own journey to wholeness.

As Bonnie learned for herself, it became necessary to get clear on how much she was committed to getting right in a day versus what she could achieve in a day. At some point, enough is enough. She realized she had to choose to be satisfied and happy and live her life without making it a zero-sum game. For Bonnie, this fundamental belief (that getting it right and perfect is the number-one priority) is an expression of self-hate. It stops her from being happy and prevents her from going after what she truly desires in life, in building a business, in taking the leap to quit her corporate job. Cheri Huber explains this concept with profound wisdom in There is Nothing Wrong with You:

Adopting the belief that you must be perfect is the perfect set up for self-hate. You believe that your choices are to be perfect or to be a failure.

BUT SELF-HATE SETS THE STANDARD OF PERFECTION and you can bet you are never going to meet that standard.

If you did, if you met that standard, what would self-hate beat you with? What would it frighten you with? And if you weren’t frightened, how would you be controlled?

Self-hate would have you believe that either it is in control, making you be who and how you should be, or not only will you be imperfect, you will be garbage.

It has convinced you that if you were to be just how you are, you would be awful.45

Bonnie discovered that she is so frightened of not getting it right and perfect that she hands control over to her fears and lets them deceive and sabotage her and her true goals. She won’t do what she actually wants regarding taking action toward developing her own business. She won’t call the people she knows she ought to call. She won’t follow up on new opportunities because she is so scared of not getting it right. Over time, she has learned that getting it right is how she earns and receives love.

So, day after day, she dreams about what she wants yet cozies up with her fears in her corporate cubicle, where it is easy to get it right and present a façade of perfect success. All the while, she keeps her inner discontent and unhappiness on the back burner where it is safely out of view. She has trained herself in the false belief that her lovability and worth are based on what she does, what she accomplishes, and what she gets perfect. She has not yet learned to see the inherent value of who she is in the world for herself and others and that her worth and lovability exist without needing to achieve anything to prove or earn it.

One day on our call, Bonnie finally realized she had set herself up for the experience she was having. She started recognizing that she wanted to choose happiness over perfection. Bonnie discovered that choosing happiness over perfection flips the switch on everything because—at the end of the day—she wouldn’t get it right if she was not happy. I shared with Bonnie, “If you’re happy, you’ll take on goals that you screw up, that make you look bad. You’ll take risks and go after your goals in spite of fear and the possibility of things not going as planned. You’ll make the choice to relate to each step as a goal and to see your dreams and plans as a journey rather than a destination.”

We get to do all of this without any of it defining us or our worth. As a result, we create access to vast new levels of opportunity, joy, connection, and new possibilities that only exist outside of the need to get it right. Today, we will begin to reverse the lens and redefine the way we relate to ourselves.

TAKING ACTION: TIME TO GET COZY WITH YOUR MOTIVATIONS

Today, we’ll take on the practice I offered Bonnie that day during our coaching, which I had taken on years before. We’ll start getting curious about your motivations, where you’re choosing from, and whether it’s in alignment with your highest commitments and desired experience of your life.

1. Begin by printing and posting the following on a Post-It Note where you will see it: “Do I want to be right in this moment, or do I want to be happy?” Start asking yourself this prompt throughout the day.

2. Next, at each choice point today, notice where you are choosing from.

3. Be conscious of choosing from what you are committed to creating versus choosing from a place of fear, people-pleasing, perfection, or needing to get it right. Note what you learn and discuss them with your book club on this week’s discussion call.

Be gentle with yourself today as you start uncovering your hidden motivations. Note where you default to wanting to get it right and what other places you can choose from in these instances.

RECOMMENDED READING:

There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate by Cheri Huber

45 Cheri Huber, “There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate.” (USA: Keep It Simple Books, 2006), 68.

Day 17

Vulnerability as a Superpower

What happens when people open their hearts? They get better.

Haruki Murakami, “Norwegian Wood”

Often, when I use the word vulnerability with clients, they bristle. I, too, can recall posturing with my partner for years until he apologized or made amends for something we were both responsible for creating.

I still remember the day my former coach, Mark Hunter, MCC, told me, “You can either be right or be in relationship. You can’t have both.”

He was correct, of course, but a lifelong habit of making a show about my righteousness was certainly a hard habit to break. Jett Psaris and Marlena S. Lyons explain this relationship dynamic in Undefended Love when they say, “We turn the focus on our partner’s behavior to avoid feeling the pain of seeing ourselves as defective. Trying to get our partners to change their behavior is an attempt to create an environment in which our cracked identities will not get stimulated or revealed. Although it may not make logical sense, we would rather feel hurt or self-righteous than face and work with our own unconscious and painful mis-identities. We would rather accuse our partners of ‘always wanting things their way,’ or ‘wanting too much,’ instead of facing the feeling of inadequacy that gets stimulated in reaction to their wanting more.”46

It took me years to acknowledge the feelings of inadequacy that were triggered each time I had to confess to being wrong or incorrect. I had used this tactic as an avenue to prove my lovability and sense of worthiness for a lifetime, after all. While I certainly still have my moments, I have become practiced at interrupting the thoughts of being right and choosing from personal responsibility and worthiness instead. Today, I want to expand upon the topic we introduced yesterday about choosing happiness over righteousness.

Much joy, connectedness, and intimacy is available for us all when we can put down the anvil and say, “I apologize. I know my words were hurtful, and I was trying more to defend my wounded ego than to consider your feelings. I’m sorry.” The gift of choosing to be in relationship over choosing to be right is so much more meaningful.

Brené Brown’s Netflix special, The Call to Courage, covers many of her key points on vulnerability. She says, “Vulnerability is the pathway to being seen and to being loved. To love is to be vulnerable. Many of us would rather not be loved than to risk being vulnerable.”47

Brown so aptly puts into words what many of us experience when we lean into being vulnerable with our loved ones and then feel even more loved and accepted on the other side. Even when all the signals (read: fear, righteous indignation, stubbornness, ego) shout, “Run, girl, run. What the hell are you thinking? Get outta here,” we stay anyway and let ourselves feel all the discomfort of vulnerability, and we are then closest to the love and acceptance we crave.

When we risk being vulnerable, we are on the brink of finding acceptance. Acceptance may be one of our greatest fears as human beings. If we fully accept ourselves, then there’s nothing to strive for, nothing to work toward, no meter stick to measure our experience of feeling like an imposter against, and no so-called “perfect” to reach. Cheri Huber says “The reason acceptance isn’t more popular is that in acceptance there is nothing to do. In acceptance, there is nothing ‘wrong’ that needs to be changed, fixed, worked on or otherwise improved. And the simple, astounding, mind-boggling amazing FACT as that as soon as you accept yourself EXACTLY AS YOU ARE, all those ‘character flaws’ begin to fall away because those ‘flaws’ exist only in non-acceptance, in self-hate.”48

Who we are is enough. We belong simply because of who we are. Don’t underestimate how challenging that is for many (if not most). We can get uncomfortable with learning to get comfortable with who we are. Have compassion with yourself and allow yourself to process where you are at this moment. Lean into your growth edge.

As Chang Chen-Chi writes in The Practice of Zen, “The greater the doubt, the greater the awakening; the smaller the doubt, the smaller the awakening. No doubt, no awakening.”49 Where fear and doubt would have you run, what would love have you do? Be vulnerable. It’s a magical thing when we create a safe container to be vulnerable in because it gives permission for others to do the same. It creates the possibility for self-love, belonging, and acceptance. There is no greater gift than this.

TAKING ACTION: LEAN IN

One of my favorite practices to offer clients in the area of vulnerability is to ask them to write the following question down and post it somewhere where they will easily see it: “What’s the most vulnerable thing you can say right now?”

Then, practice speaking from this place. In my relationship, it might sound like this: “I was wrong, I apologize. I’m sorry that it’s so hard for me to apologize. I feel like a bad person when I’m wrong and it’s difficult to apologize for my actions without it meaning that I’m not an awful human being.”

I know the practice may sound simple. Many actions toward growth are simple but rarely easy. The example I’ve shared above is the hardest thing for me to acknowledge when I’m triggered; however, it is generally what I need to acknowledge when I do feel that way—other than express my feelings, of course. Many clients I speak with every week go after perfection and getting it right at all costs, to avoid being vulnerable or admitting responsibility for something they are at fault for.

Today, practice speaking your truth and getting in touch with the whisperings of your heart. This challenge has been life-changing for me, and it is worthy of you too.

Get curious. How many individuals could you practice speaking vulnerably with today? What do you have planned today and where could you practice this? Journal about your experience below. Who did you practice connecting with vulnerably and what did you notice:

RECOMMENDED READING:

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown

46 Jett Psaris, PhD. and Marlena S. Lyons, PhD., Undefended Love. (California: New Harbinger Publications, 2000), 56-57.

47 Brené Brown, “Brené Brown: The Call to Courage.” Netflix. 2019. accessed May 1, 2019.

48 Huber, There is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate, 119-120.

49 Chang Chen-Chi, The Practice of Zen. (USA: Harper and Brothers, 1959)

Day 18

A Call for Love

Everything, everything, everything is either an act of love or a call for love.

Marianne Williamson

Most couples wouldn’t be caught dead in a graveyard to celebrate their nuptials. But for Kelly Carnes and her beau, there was no better place to show their love than with a voodoo-inspired bash at dusk in the historic Congressional Cemetery on Capitol Hill. The party, complete with fire dancers, a fifteen-member percussion band, and a stilt walker, was billed to “thrill guests” and “wake the dead.” Instead of wearing a lavish white dress, the bride chose a wine-red Victorian-style one, which she paired with zombie-inspired makeup and an embellished white wig. The groom followed suit with a crimson three-piece look and a velvet top hat.50 

When my friend said I should interview Kelly Carnes for my book, I took a peek at her social media and was smitten. Kelly is the owner of Carnes&Co, an event planning, PR, and yoga company in Washington, DC. She also owns Trove, a peer-to-peer costume rental company. For me, Kelly’s story is a reminder of what full self-expression looks like and the richness it makes possible in life when we share our acts of love with the world. When I spoke with Kelly, I was intrigued by what inspired her. Here’s what she had to say:

“My underlying philosophy is that I have always been driven by the most valuable resource on earth, which is time. It’s valuable because it’s the only finite resource. Once you spend it, you can’t get it back. You can’t generate any more of it than the universe has in store for you. So I feel compelled to make the most of it. Time drives much of my activity to make the most of the limited time I have so that I don’t regret wasting any of it. There’s so much, so much great stuff to do, people to meet, and the world to see. I want to experience as much of it as possible because it’s rich, fun, and interesting. It’s a gift and I don’t want to leave any of that on the table.”

“Have you always been comfortable being in the spotlight?” I asked. She replied,

“Personality gets cultivated by experience. I initially went into public relations for a reason. I’m a pathological extrovert and I love people. I love being around people, learning from people and spending time with people. My love language is quality time, so I’ve always been like that naturally. I think many people are held back by fear. The bigger I think I lived, the more I escaped that, and the more it seemed to give others permission to do the same. I heard a quote at some point, ‘All you have to do is be courageous for twenty seconds and you can do anything.’ And if you take that one leap, if you’re brave for twenty seconds, it turns out confidence becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

Knowing our love languages can be a powerful tool in learning how to fully express ourselves and share our gifts with the world. It can also serve as a vehicle for getting our own needs met. I remember the day, nearly three decades ago, I was in the first grade and my parents had organized a birthday party for me at Nahant Beach in Lynn, Massachusetts. My mother had invited the whole class, including my teacher and her husband. I was ecstatic, thinking about all the presents I would receive. I mean, twenty-four students, twenty-four presents. . . . Gosh, I had never felt more special. My teacher, Mrs. D for short, was a talented sandcastle sculpture artist, and she and her husband had crafted the most magnificent sandcastle birthday cake for me.

I remember thinking, “It was okay that I didn’t get to actually eat cake; we were getting Hoodsie cups. But at least I was going to take home all those gifts, more than I’d ever received in all my seven years…”

Then I heard that fateful line, “Catherine, we are going to do a white elephant gift exchange. There are no party favors, but every child will take home one gift. You don’t need all these toys!” Everyone else was ecstatic, but I felt crushed. Heartbroken, in fact.

Oddly enough, I do not have a great memory. But that story is a vivid memory from my childhood. Don’t get me wrong—I have a loving family whom I absolutely adore and esteem. I look forward to multiple vacations that I am lucky enough to take with them every year.

But that event struck a chord with me; receiving thoughtful gifts has always been a primary way I receive love. My brother gave me an abalone shell he found on a beach walk in New Zealand when he was visiting on an around-the-world trip, which is still one of my most treasured gifts. I used to equate love with receiving gifts, and you can imagine that made me a difficult person to buy gifts for. I’ve learned that no one is more responsible for loving you than you are. Since falling in love with myself, the intention, more than the gift itself, matters most.

If I’ve learned one lesson from my own experience with gift-giving and receiving, it’s this: we seek validation, approval, and love from others as a crutch rather than loving ourselves. We search for proof in the actions of others and require it in order to be worthy of receiving that love we so deeply crave. Marianne Williamson shares her experience of learning this lifelong lesson in A Return to Love. She says, “I began to realize that taking love seriously would be a complete transformation of my thinking. A Course in Miracles calls itself a mind training the relinquishing of a thought system based on fear, and the acceptance instead of a thought system based on love.”51

One client, who had spent much of her adulthood single, believed she first had to lose thirty-five pounds to be attractive to a partner. Because her self-critic was so loud, it prevented her from winning at the loveless game she forced upon herself. Williamson says it best: “Everything, everything, everything is either an act of love or a call for love.” I can see so clearly now that my mother’s actions all those years ago to give a gift to every child generous enough to attend my party was such a bold act of love. My response was a call for love. No one can ever love us more than we love ourselves, so let’s begin treating and expressing ourselves the way we desired to be treated by others, beginning today.

TAKING ACTION: WHAT’S YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE

We all fill our love tanks in unique ways. One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is to surrender the judgment we may hold on ourselves for how we desire to receive love so we can start meeting our own needs and allowing others to love us as well.

In The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman identifies five principal methods in which we give and receive love:52

• Receiving Gifts

• Physical Touch

• Quality Time

• Acts of Service

• Words of Affirmation

It is no surprise to me that the order in which I recalled these from heart started with my primary two languages and ended with my partner’s. This is often how it goes between partners. How we tend to display love is naturally our desired form of receiving love. When we can normalize this habit and have some compassion for ourselves for not getting our love tank needs met in the past, we can begin to meet those needs and fill up our tanks.

Today, we will begin by identifying your love language. Please visit https://www.5lovelanguages.com/ and complete the quiz to identify your love language. You may think you already know it, and that’s okay. Take it anyway; it’s brief. I hope you discover something new about yourself.

Next, your job is to begin loving yourself the way you desire to be loved by another. The key to receiving love is the more loving we are with ourselves, the more naturally available we are to give and receive love from another.

Journal below how you would like to love yourself today. If there were no limitations to what’s possible, how would you treat yourself? I will most certainly be buying myself an orchid plant today or ordering another candle to replace the one that just burned out. I hope you love yourself fully today!

RECOMMENDED READING

A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles” by Marianne Williamson

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman

50 Megan McDonough, “Till death do us part: A voodoo-themed wedding celebration at Congressional Cemetery.” The Washington Post. October 6, 2018.

51 Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles. (New York: HarperCollins, 1996), 20-21.

52 Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. (Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2010).

Day 19

Weathering the Gray

In a world full of temporary things, you are a perpetual feeling.

Sanober Khan

Several years ago, I wrote a blog called “Surviving Your Gray Days.” To date, it has received the highest open and click rate of any post I’ve published in my weekly newsletter. At the time, I was surprised by the response and didn’t know what to make of it. I now realize that we all desire permission from ourselves to feel gray. When we can’t grant that permission to ourselves, experiencing it in another is an inspiring place to start for many. I am including an adapted version of my blog post below as a reminder that we all deserve to have those gray days.

The other morning, I woke up to gray. The weather was gray, I was wearing gray, and I was feeling gray. Much research suggests that weather can affect our mood. One study suggests that nearly 9 percent of people fall into the rain hater category and become angrier and less happy on days with higher precipitation.53

This day, however, had nothing to do with the weather. Nothing had happened per se: my partner and family were healthy, my business was thriving, even my health was vibrant—I just woke up feeling gray. Before beginning my own journey of discovery that led me to first do therapy and then coaching, days like these used to be inexcusable for me. I used to think I should feel as happy on the inside as my face tended to portray on the outside. One study reinforced this idea, suggesting that people reported experiencing at least one emotion 90 percent of the time, with feelings of happiness being reported 2.5 times more frequently than negative ones.54

I used to judge myself for not being as productive or high-functioning on these gray days. I’d look for cheap fixes to fill the void, not have to encounter myself, and look for ways to make myself feel better. That often looked like cleaning the floor, dusting, or organizing some pile of paperwork or files. My default was to look for something to do, check something off my to-do list, and feel that hit of a “productive high” for getting something done.

I discovered that when I was orienting my mood and feelings on whether or not I was being productive and efficient, I never had any time to rest. I’d constantly look for the next item to check off the list or the next deliverable to complete. I was playing an unwinnable game. That morning, I gave myself permission for all my feelings to be okay. I welcomed them in, not needing to do anything with them right away but, rather, became curious with myself. Instead of defaulting to getting busy to avoid myself, I developed compassion for myself in the face of my emotions and feeling lackluster.

Research shows that there are three parts of an emotion—a physiological response, an expressive (or behavioral response) component, and a subjective component or how you experience the emotion.55 When confronted, our emotions can inspire change. A rush of anxiety might cause us to double down and study for a final exam; similarly, a wave of embarrassment or shame might motivate us to finally clean the house and clear out the clutter in the guest bedroom. We tend to take certain actions in order to maximize the experience of positive emotions and minimize the experience of negative ones. Similarly, emotions can cause us to avert danger, help us make decisions, and allow others to understand us and be understood by others.

Conversely, we also avoid our feelings or numb them when feeling overwhelmed or helpless. While this can be a protective defense and may provide temporary relief, it serves as a negative coping mechanism and has long-term consequences. Mayra Mendez, Ph.D., LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist and program coordinator at Providence Saint John’s Child and Family Development Center, suggests that “while emotional numbing blocks or shuts down negative feelings and experiences, it also shuts down the ability to experience pleasure, engage in positive interactions and social activities, and interferes with openness for intimacy, social interests, and problem-solving skills.”56

Our capacity to be with one emotion limits our capacity to experience the opposing one. My incapacity to be with my own sadness or gray mood creates the ceiling for my ability to experience deep, resounding joy. We often can understand things cognitively before we do emotionally or somatically, but when I truly learned this for myself, it was life changing. My aversion to being with my own sadness as well as glorifying busyness was my version of emotionally numbing and running away from myself. That morning, instead of running, I slowed down and got curious about what I was running away from. I drew myself a bath and lit some candles and journaled what was really going on for me. What was I avoiding being sad about? Why had I taught myself to smear a smile on my face?

Reminding myself that I no longer need to be constantly searching for a quick fix in order to “feel better” and be more productive, I now relate to it as a deep expression of self-love. Reminding myself that I won’t always feel happy and joyful is invaluable. It is normal and human. Perhaps, above all, I learned that I was inherently lovable for who I am—the happy and unhappy parts, the productive and lazy parts too—rather than whose day I could brighten or what task I needed to complete.

These days, gray mornings remind me how far I’ve come and how much kinder I am to myself. How much slower and more deliberate I am. How much more beautifully I take care of myself. How much more love I have for myself and for those around me. I still have momentary lapses when I slip into my old routines and busy ways. These days I catch myself, however, one moment sooner than the last.

TAKING ACTION: TIME TO EXPLORE GRAY

Take some deep breaths and get grounded in your body. Put your feet on the floor, uncross your legs and your feet if they’re crossed. Allow yourself to feel your feet, your legs, your abdomen, your shoulders, and your hands lying gently at your side or on your lap. Start to get connected with the numb part of you, the part you disconnect from, or disassociate from. What parts of yourself don’t you allow yourself to feel or give yourself permission to experience?

If you practiced welcoming and embracing those parts of you today, which one would you take on to be more compassionate with your body, your heart, your mind, and your soul?

Today, I invite you to bring that gift of self-compassion to yourself. To welcome and embrace all the parts of you. To acknowledge all of your emotions and let them know that they all belong. To encounter and delight in all the unique, exquisite parts of you. Journal below any reflections or responses that come up for you as you consider taking on this exercise today:

53 Julie Taylor, “Can Rainy Days Really Get You Down?” WebMD. accessed September 10, 2019.

54 Walter Alexander, “Pharmacotherapy for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder In Combat Veterans: Focus on Antidepressants and Atypical Antipsychotic Agents.” P&T. Vol. 37(1). (January 2012): 32-38. accessed on September 15, 2019.

55 Kendra Cherry, “The Important Role of Emotions.” Verywell Mind. November 19, 2019. accessed January 18, 2020.

56 Sara Lindberg, “What Is Emotional Numbing?” Verywell Mind. January 30, 2020. accessed January 18, 2020.

Day 20

How Belonging Gives You the Courage to Mess Up

Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect.

Brené Brown

As I floated my hands in the air and twirled around the temple with my retreat partner, I felt a sense of pride and belonging for knowing the dance moves appropriate to the country I was in, halfway around the world. I could feel the eyes of the locals and our travelers frozen on us, impressed by our courage and willingness to step out in front of an audience of hundreds to dance for all to see.

That evening, we attended a Kirtan on our inaugural retreat to the Golden Triangle of India. A Kirtan is a full Hindu prayer ceremony, which includes multiple prayers, chants, and rituals in the temple. It didn’t seem to matter that none of us could speak the language used during the ceremony. The message that transcended the language was that we were wanted there. We were intended to be there. We belonged.

I frequently reflect on the fact that, as we age, it can be harder to find a sense of belonging. Life changes. People move, pass on, and we can come away from those experiences feeling like visitors without a homeland. Generating community is important to experience belonging. Finding that community can be both terrifying and exhilarating all at once.

While we were at the Kirtan, for example, when the prayers ended, a group of women started singing and created a drum circle in the middle of the temple. We watched from the sidelines with fascination until one of the dancers invited my retreat partner, Megan, and I up to dance with her. Then she promptly sat down, leaving us in front of three hundred people alone with everyone’s eyes on us. Everyone clapped and sang as we let go and danced to music we had never heard before. Many photos were taken from the sidelines. In that moment after the initial wave of fear had passed, we felt such a deep appreciation and delight at being welcomed and accepted regardless of our dancing abilities.

My pride only turned to embarrassment later, when I learned that the choreographed dance I had attempted in the circle with Megan (one that I knew from prior holiday celebrations with my partner’s family), called Bhangra, wasn’t supposed to be danced in the temple. It was a celebratory dance rather than the spiritual dance our soloist had demonstrated for us! While my automatic response had my face turn a deep shade of crimson with shame and embarrassment, instead of being judged or reprimanded for our party dance moves set to religious music, we were met with an overwhelming sense of acceptance and belonging. They cheered us on with knowing looks and appreciation for our misguided attempts. I was struck by the deep sense that who we were being was enough. Getting it right and looking good were not prerequisites for belonging, but, rather, self-expression was an access point.

I interviewed Carolyn Jo Silas (C.J.) about her career trajectory and experience of being self-expressed in a highly male-dominated industry. C.J. grew up in Suburban Los Angeles with a dream to be the first woman to play shortstop for the Dodgers because her grandma told her about a man named Jackie Robinson who fought through everything to play the sport he loved while making a living as the first man of color to play in then-Caucasian-dominated Major League Baseball.

C.J. has now been in sports radio and television for thirty-two years. She began her career on the TV series Fame and later worked for the local NPR station, WAER Radio, for three years while finishing her degree in sports broadcasting. While in New York, she began her career as a baseball stadium public address announcer for minor league affiliates of the Toronto Blue Jays and the New York Yankees. She became the first woman in that position in professional baseball. She went on to work for ESPN, including covering the OJ Simpson trial at the LA courthouse daily for eight months.

I asked C.J. to share her story. Here’s what she said:

“Growing up, Jackie Robinson was kind of my Jesus. He was the first person of color to do what he wanted to do. And I knew as I got older that I could deal with whatever came my way, because nothing could be worse than what he dealt with. As I was entering high school, I realized that my biological father wasn’t coming around. I was performing and doing well. I played every sport. I was in all the plays, and I did musical theater all the way through college. Even in college, I played sports. I went to USC and ran track and now I play roller derby. I’ve always been a very competitive person—partially to get my dad’s attention as a little girl, even if I wasn’t conscious of it. I wanted to be good at something because not being good wasn’t acceptable.”

C.J.’s story is common. Many of us reckon with the need to achieve external validation or love through our achievements and looking good. There are both positive and negative consequences to this way of being. One positive is that it often leads us to produce and be high performers. C.J. shared,

“It has given me the ability to drive and push through very uncomfortable situations, whether at home or in the workplace as the only woman in the room in sports broadcasting, in the locker rooms and clubhouses, and on the court and the sidelines. It started as being competitive and trying to get my dad’s attention. And then it shifted to being the best no matter what I do.”

But I see more and more often how we set ourselves up to play a game that never ends. No strategy will allow us to win at a game where we must constantly achieve and look good in order to earn someone else’s attention, love, approval, or affection. Furthermore, this game does not allow us to be at peace with or be approving of ourselves, either. If we constantly must perform and achieve to feel good about ourselves or love ourselves, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and heartbreak. C.J. shared her experience of this:

“Now, I’m working through that and reconciling with the idea that being the best isn’t always exactly what I need to be happy with myself. I’m not looking for affirmation on the outside but coming from the inside. In early 2018, I decided to spend a year doing whatever I could do to truly love myself. I wouldn’t succeed if I continued to spend all this time and energy winning Spartan races, roller derby, and CrossFit. For me, it was always about putting a ton of energy into being physically fit and being the best at everything. When I pulled back on that, things started to really open up in my career.”

When I asked C.J. what she attributed this to, she said, “I think the exercise is in really truly loving yourself and not looking for confirmation or asking for permission from the outside world, whether it’s from a parent, teacher, coach or a boss. It’s about finding it within yourself to love yourself and what you offer to the world.” I deeply resonate with C.J. Silas’s sentiments. I’ve discovered through my work that we so often do not know what loving ourselves and not needing permission from the outside world means. Choosing to express ourselves fully and live in alignment with our core values is a powerful place to start practicing.

TAKING ACTION: EMBODYING BELONGING

When we are fully self-expressed in our lives, having a sense of belonging is inherent. Living in alignment with our values helps us fully express ourselves and make empowered choices in our lives. My mentor Christopher once shared a story that, while out at a bar one evening, he approached a table of women and invited one of them to dance. The woman quickly encouraged him to dance with her friend, as she hadn’t yet been invited to dance that evening. The gentleman, of course, said yes and invited her friend to dance. However, he was struck by this woman’s sense of kindness and later asked for her number. Having recently distinguished that kindness was his most important core value, he was struck by her demonstration. A desirable bachelor in his day, my mentor later married this woman.

We make choices every minute of every day. Aligning those choices with our values is an access point toward becoming fully self-expressed and embodying a sense of belonging. Today, we will do an adapted version of the exercise that my mentor shared, which continues to impact my own choices to this day.

Journal below the names of three people you admire, whether you know them personally or not. For each of them, journal what qualities you admire and in what experiences they have specifically displayed these qualities. For example, on my list is my namesake, my great aunt Catherine. I remember vacationing with her to Canada every summer and how she always had time for me. She was so generous with her time with us and always prioritized us. I always felt important in her eyes. Journal now:

1.

2.

3.

Next, revisit what you wrote above and underline all the qualities and values. Create a list of four-to-six core values that you hold based on the qualities you listed above for each of your three individuals.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

Finally, rank them in terms of importance. Go through each of your four-to-six core values and identify whether the first or the second is more important to you. Complete this process with your entire list until you have a fully-ranked list of your core values.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

Today, print and post these core values somewhere where you will see them. Practice making choices in alignment with your core values. What difference does it make? What is the impact of making choices in alignment with your core values?

Day 21

Coming Home to Your Why

And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?

Rumi

I often imagine how important travel will be as an educational and socialization tool when I’m a parent. I read enviously about parents who sail around the world with their family and home school, or dream of moving my family abroad so we can explore the world together. I’ve always believed in the old adage, “Home is where the heart is.”

This is certainly one aspect of being an entrepreneur that I especially cherish, the ability to work from and create home anywhere. I deeply appreciate how much travel helps put our core values back into perspective. One element I consistently notice about working with high performers and ambitious individuals is we often lose sight of why we do what we do. We get so enthralled in the rat race, of “do more, earn more, complete more, check off more to-dos” that we forget what it’s all in service of.

My parents are a great example of this. I was fortunate to have them join me on a transformational retreat I led to India. I watched in pure delight as decades were shed off my parents’ age as they surrounded themselves with individuals thirty-to-forty years their junior. In the absence of paperwork and a demanding business to constantly keep their minds occupied and hands tied, I observed my father dancing a bhangra with our fearless trip leader. I watched my parents staying up hours later than they ever do at home, and I watched them come alive with stories, community, new experiences, and laughter.

For many, travel is a direct path to seeing more clearly the experiences we desire at our core. Ultimately, we don’t want to make more money just to make more money. We don’t want the next promotion for promotion’s sake. We don’t want to check one more country off of our bucket list for the bucket list’s to-do either.

We want those things because of the new experiences it will make possible for ourselves. Whether that is more disposable income to give back or donate to our favorite charity. Whether it’s more time and flexibility to spend with our loved ones and growing children. Whether it’s more energy and wonder to take advantage of our one, precious life. Or perhaps it provides us with a greater opportunity to play on purpose, have more adventures, or expand our sense of community. This is why we do what we do.

TAKE ACTION: TIME TO ENVISION YOUR WHY BEHIND YOUR WHAT

Today, you will journal about what you want and then take it one step further and get clear about your core desired experiences for yourself. That way the next time you get caught up in the rat race of go, go, go, you have reason to pause and reassess and make some changes.

Steve Chandler and Rich Litvin talk about this concept of getting connected with your why and living out your dream lifestyle in the present moment in The Prosperous Coach. They share:

If you don’t consider your dream lifestyle when you begin…, you become like the American executive who, in an old joke, arrives on a beach on a beautiful island.

The executive strolls down to the beach and notices a fisherman rowing in to shore. His boat is chock full of fish, and the executive asks him what he’s doing.

The fisherman replies, ‘I’ve been fishing because I love it. And now I’m going to have a barbecue on the beach with my friends. I’ll play guitar and sing and hang out on the beach, and then in the evening I will dine with my wife under the stars.’

‘That’s crazy,’ says the executive. ‘You’ve caught so many fish! I can invest in you and we’ll sell the fish and make a ton of money!’

‘Why would I want to do that?’ says the fisherman.

‘Well, in a few months, we could invest the profits and buy a bigger boat and make even more money,’ says the executive.

‘Why would I want to do that?’ says the fisherman.

‘Well, in a few years, we could invest the profits and open a factory on the beach and process our own fish and make even more money,’ says the executive.

‘Why would I want to do that?’ says the fisherman.

‘Well, with all the profits from that you could eventually retire early. And then you could go fishing just because you love it. And then you could have a barbecue on the beach with your friends. And you could play guitar and sing and hang out on the beach. And then in the evening dine with your wife under the stars…57

Let’s all practice living like the island fisherman. Do you find yourself losing sight of why you do what you do? Imagine your life one year, five years, ten years from now—what do you want? For me, travel has always been a core vision for my life and my desired experience. There truly is no right way to do life, just your way.

Today, journal in as much detail as possible your vision for your one wild and precious life. Why do you do what you do and want what you want? What core desired experiences will this make available for you? Travel has always filled me with the core desired experiences of adventure, joy, play, and earth. When I show up as these versions of myself, I am fully self-expressed. What are some of yours? Journal them now:

I invite you to keep this journal entry with you and read it out loud to yourself regularly. As you become more connected with your future vision, you will naturally make more aligned choices and your core desired experience of life will actualize.

BONUS ACTION: NO TIME TO DELAY—THE TIME IS NOW

What three practices could you begin implementing now to start living your desired experiences today:

Is it time to give your notice? Stop hedging with your partner and fully commit? Begin implementing the morning routine that you’ve been “putting off till tomorrow” for years now? Write them below and share them with your discussion group on your final call this week:

1.

2.

3.

57 Steve Chandler and Rich Litvin, The Prosperous Coach: Increase Income and Impact for You and Your Clients. (Florida: Maurice Bassett, 2013), 34.

Week Three

Suggested Study Guide for Group Discussion

1. What is your relationship to feeling like an imposter?

2. Share with the group your toast to you. What wins and accomplishments would you like to share?

3. Discuss with the group your experience expressing your vulnerabilities.

4. What did you discover about your primary love languages and how you receive and give love?

5. What is your relationship to being right, and what did you learn for yourself from choosing to be happy over being right?

6. What is your experience of weathering the gray in your own life?

7. Discuss with the group what it would mean to bring the gift of self-compassion to the parts of yourself that you disconnect, disassociate, and abandon yourself from.

8. Share with the group your relationship to belonging. How will having your core values integrated into your life support your experience of belonging?

9. Share with the group your vision for your one wild and precious life and your why.

10. Discuss how your experience of your life would shift if your core desired experiences were integrated into the fabric of your life and lifestyle.

Acknowledgments

I would like to humbly acknowledge my mother, Liz, who taught me unconditional love and believed in me before I believed in myself; my father, Scott, who taught me discipline, unconditional support, and showed me how to never take myself too seriously; my brother, Chris, for being my rock and one of my best friends; and Laura, for always being my older sister.

I would like to honor my family who has gone before me, you are my angels in this world and I miss you every day. To my extended family and my family-to-be, I am blessed to be a member of your family and I love you all.

I am beyond grateful for all my clients; you have been my greatest teachers. Thank you for your trust—it is an honor I do not take lightly. I have weaved together and used anecdotes from our work throughout this book. All names and identifying details have been changed.

To my coaches, I would not be here without you, Cindy Mazur, Mark Hunter, and Marita Bolles. Thank you for championing me and my dreams. While we always knew I’d (eventually) achieve them, thank you for standing for me loving myself fully while learning how to celebrate the journey. I love you all.

To my mentors, Christopher MacAuliffe, Kerry Zurier, Michelle Akin, and all of my colleagues at Accomplishment Coaching, thank you. Our community of love and rigor changed the trajectory of my entire life. I am beyond grateful.

To my Authentic Relating community, thank you. Decker Cunov, thank you for your impeccable vision and for creating a community where everyone can access belonging.

To Emily Rosen, thank you for allowing yourself to be seen and for sharing your wisdom with the world. For being a model of feminine leadership and vulnerability. The world is better for your voice, and thank you for changing mine in the process.

To all those at New Degree Press, thank you. Eric Koester—for your incredible vision and generosity, thank you. I am also abidingly grateful to Kim LaCoste for helping to light my way.

To those who have supported in polishing this manuscript, I am beyond grateful. Colleen Cox, for being a brilliant mind and, more importantly, a brilliant heart. Zuhair Nasher, you are a true friend and I love you. Sutton Puglia, for being a dear friend and our matchmaker. Mariana Padilla, for your generosity and care, thank you all.

I would like to pay tribute to the many people who have given their hearts and resources to support this book. Ujash Joshi, for your generosity of love and care. Duncan Scott, for always believing in me. Ashish, Ketaki, and Krishna Tikiwala, for welcoming me with open arms and hearts into your family. Parvez Khan, for always supporting me.

A partial list of additional supporters includes Susan Albert, Emily Babbitt de Nicasio, Joanna Ball, Ellen Broen, Sarah Brooks, Kacey Cardin, Margaret Chapman, Claire Connors, MiMi Dabo, Margie DeLeo, Jessica Delisi, Virginia Dinzey-Taveras, Lindsey Doyle, Janet Espinosa, Neda Frayha, Derilyn Freeman, Krista Gallagher, Shelva Gallman, Amanda Gann, Martha Cristina Garza, Elizabeth Griffith, Brent Grunig, Joan Hayes, Amanda Hirsch, Caitlin Imbergamo, Sean Jaques, Meghan Johnson, Megan Keating, Drew Kim, Billy Kinberg, Laura Kline-Taylor, Tina Krohn, Jeff Legendre, Marie Leznicki, Jess Lilly, Nichole MacDonald, Meredith Martin, Veronica Matthews, David Mayo, Juanita Molano Parra, Megan Morrison, Katherine O’Hare, Erin Parry, Melissa Patel, Lori Raggio, Liz Rohr, Tanya Saunders, Maggie Shea, Crystal Shipp, Erica Soultanian, Lynn Spiegel, Christine Story, Alex Terranova, Saleheh Vahaji, Kathy Valle, Saleema Vellani, Kerilynn Vigneau, Amy Wilson, Jennie Wolfe, and Julia Wu.

To all those I might have neglected to mention, you are not forgotten. Thank you for touching my heart and touching my life.

And finally, I want to acknowledge Parth, my beloved. Thank you for showing me what it means to belong.

Appendix

INTRODUCTION

Cunningham, Evan. “Great Recession, Great Recovery? Trends from the Current Population Survey” Monthly Labor Review. U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. April 2018. Accessed December 29, 2019. https://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2018/article/great-recession-great-recovery.htm.

Twenge, Jean M. “The Sad State of Happiness in the United States and the Role of Digital Media.” World Happiness Report. March 20, 2019. Accessed December 30, 2019. https://worldhappiness.report/ed/2019/the-sad-state-of-happiness-in-the-united-states-and-the-role-of-digital-media/.

Lopez, Shane J., Lisa M. Edwards, and Susana C. Marques. The Oxford Handbook of Positive Psychology. New York: Oxford University Press, 2016.

CHAPTER 1

Rock, David, Beth Jones, and Chris Weller. “The Hidden Leverage of Feedback.” Psychology Today. January 7, 2019. Accessed February 1, 2020. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-brain-work/201901/the-hidden-leverage-feedback.

CHAPTER 2

Borrelli, Lizette. “People-Pleaser: Brain Scans Show Pushovers Agree With Others To Avoid Mental Stress.” Medical Daily. March 2, 2016. Accessed January 15, 2020. https://www.medicaldaily.com/people-pleaser-brain-activity-mental-stress-376139.

CHAPTER 3

Beattie, Melody. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Minnesota: Hazelden, 1992.

CHAPTER 4

Van Der Kolk, M.D., Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York: Penguin, 2014.

Walsch, Neale Donald. Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue. Book 3. Virginia: Hampton Roads, 1998.

CHAPTER 5

LaRosa, John. “The $10 Billion Self-Improvement Market Adjusts to a New Generation.” Market Research Blog. October 11, 2018. Accessed January 25, 2019. https://blog.marketresearch.com/the-10-billion-self-improvement-market-adjusts-to-new-generation.

Ford, Debbie. The Dark Side of the Light Chasers: Reclaiming Your Power, Creativity, Brilliance, and Dreams. New York: Penguin, 2010.

CHAPTER 6

Stoycheva PhD, Valentina. “It’s Not You, It’s Your Unconscious.” Psychology Today. June 18, 2019. Accessed November 9, 2019. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-everyday-unconscious/201906/it-s-not-you-it-s-your-unconscious-1.

Grout, Pam. E-Squared: Nine Do-It-Yourself Energy Experiments That Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality. California: Hay House, 2013.

CHAPTER 7

Staik, PhD, Athena. “The Power of Subconscious Learning: Transform Your Thoughts, Transform Your Life.” Psych Central, April 19, 2014. Accessed September 7, 2019. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2014/04/the-power-of-subconscious-learning-transform-your-thoughts-transform-your-life/.

Hogan, Eve. “Left and Right-Handed Journaling.” Spirituality & Health, The Soul | Body Connection. December 7, 2015. Accessed September 25, 2019. https://spiritualityhealth.com/blogs/real-love-with-eve/2015/12/07/eve-hogan-left-and-right-handed-journaling#.

Diamond, PhD, Stephen A. “Essential Secrets of Psychotherapy: The Inner Child.” Psychology Today. June 7, 2008. Accessed January 30, 2020. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evil-deeds/200806/essential-secrets-psychotherapy-the-inner-child.

Jacobson, Sheri. “What Is the ‘Inner Child’?” Harley Therapy Counselling Blog. March 23, 2017. Accessed October 11, 2019. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-the-inner-child.htm.

CHAPTER 8

Barks, Coleman A Year with Rumi: Daily Readings. New York: Harper Collins, 2006.

Murakami, Haruki. What I Talk About When I Talk About Running: A Memoir. New York: Random House, 2008.

Cameron, Julia. The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. New York: Penguin, 2002.

CHAPTER 9

Ford, Debbie. The Dark Side of the Light Chasers: Reclaiming Your Power, Creativity, Brilliance, and Dreams. New York: Penguin, 2010.

Lavery, Cathryn. “Why Creating A Meaningful Morning Routine Will Make You More Successful.” HuffPost. December 6, 2017. Accessed October 10, 2019. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/morning-routines_b_8042428?guccounter=1.

CHAPTER 10

Barnes, Matthew. “A Theory of Human Motivation: A. H. Maslow (1943).” Classics in the History of Psychology. August 2000. Accessed December 15, 2019. http://psychclassics.yorku.ca/Maslow/motivation.htm.

Wikimedia Foundation. “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.” Last modified January 31, 2020. Accessed February 1, 2020. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow’s_hierarchy_of_needs.

Brown, Brené. Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. New York: Penguin Random House, 2017.

Gillihan, PhD, Seth J. “Do You Know What You Need?” Psychology Today. July 27, 2015. Accessed July 14, 2019. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/201507/do-you-know-what-you-need.

The Center for Nonviolent Communication. “Needs Inventory.” Accessed January 15, 2019. https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory.

CHAPTER 11

Ford, Debbie. The Dark Side of the Light Chasers: Reclaiming Your Power, Creativity, Brilliance, and Dreams. New York: Penguin, 2010.

Benson, Kyle. “The Anger Iceberg.” The Gottman Institute. November 8, 2016. Accessed July 12, 2019. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-anger-iceberg/.

“Anger: A Secondary Emotion.” Accessed July 16, 2019. http://creducation.net/resources/anger_management/anger__a_secondary_emotion.html.

Stone, Douglas, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. New York: Penguin, 2010.

Harville & Helen. “What is Imago?” (website). Accessed February 1, 2020. https://harvilleandhelen.com/initiatives/what-is-imago/.

Pressfield, Steven. The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles. New York: Black Irish Entertainment, 2012.

CHAPTER 12

Staik, PhD, Athena. “The Power of Subconscious Learning: Transform Your Thoughts, Transform Your Life.” Psych Central. April 19, 2014. Accessed August 31, 2019. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2014/04/the-power-of-subconscious-learning-transform-your-thoughts-transform-your-life/.

CHAPTER 13

Rowling, J.K. “Text of J.K. Rowling’s Speech.” The Harvard Gazette. June 5, 2008. Accessed January 20, 2020. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2008/06/text-of-j-k-rowling-speech/.

Deida, David. The Way of the Spiritual Man: A Practical Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire. Colorado: Sounds True, 2017.

CHAPTER 14

Wiest, Brianna. “13 Ways To Start Training Your Subconscious Mind To Get What You Want.” Forbes. September 12, 2018. Accessed June 20, 2019. https://www.forbes.com/sites/briannawiest/2018/09/12/13-ways-to-start-training-your-subconscious-mind-to-get-what-you-want/#19fef1707d69.

CHAPTER 15

Sakulku, Jaruwan and James Alexander, “The Impostor Phenomenon.” International Journal of Behavioral Science. Vol. 11, No. 1, (2011): 75-76. accessed October 10, 2019. https://www.tci-thaijo.org/index.php/IJBS/article/view/521/pdf.

Ancowitz, Nancy. “Managing Your Impostor Syndrome” Psychology Today April 17, 2013. accessed January 20, 2020. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/self-promotion-introverts/201304/managing-your-impostor-syndrome.

Cain, Susan. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. New York: Random House, 2013.

Clance, Pauline Rose, and Suzanne Imes. “The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention.” Psychotherapy Theory, Research, and Practice. Vol. 15. No. 3. (Fall 1978): 1-8. Accessed November 15, 2019. https://www.paulineroseclance.com/pdf/ip_high_achieving_women.pdf.

Langford, Joe and Pauline Rose Clance. “The Impostor Phenomenon: Recent Research Findings Regarding Dynamics, Personality, and Family Patterns and their Implications for Treatment.” Psychotherapy. Vol. 30. No. 3. (Fall 1993): 496. Accessed November 15, 2019. https://paulineroseclance.com/pdf/-Langford.pdf.

CHAPTER 16

Huber, Cheri. “There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate.” USA: Keep It Simple Books, 2006.

CHAPTER 17

Psaris, PhD, Jett and Marlena S. Lyons, PhD., Undefended Love. California: New Harbinger Publications, 2000.

Brown, Brené. “Brené Brown: The Call to Courage.” Netflix. 2019. Accessed January 1, 2019.

Chen-Chi, Chang. The Practice of Zen. USA: Harper and Brothers, 1959.

Huber, Cheri. “There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate.” USA: Keep It Simple Books, 2006.

CHAPTER 18

McDonough, Megan. “Till death do us part: A voodoo-themed wedding celebration at Congressional Cemetery.” The Washington Post. October 6, 2018. https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/till-death-do-us-part-a-voodoo-themed-wedding-celebration-at-congressional-cemetery/2018/10/25/cef21f86-d6eb-11e8-aeb7-ddcad4a0a54e_story.html.

Williamson, Marianne. A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles.” New York: HarperCollins, 1996.

Chapman, Gary. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2010.

CHAPTER 19

Taylor, Julie. “Can Rainy Days Really Get You Down?” WebMD. Accessed September 10, 2019. https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/can-rainy-days-really-get-you-down#1.

Alexander, Walter. “Pharmacotherapy for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder In Combat Veterans: Focus on Antidepressants and Atypical Antipsychotic Agents.” P&T. Vol. 37(1). (January 2012): 32-38. Accessed on September 15, 2019. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3278188/.

Cherry, Kendra. “The Important Role of Emotions.” Verywell Mind. November 19, 2019. Accessed January 18, 2020. https://www.verywellmind.com/the-purpose-of-emotions-2795181.

Lindberg, Sara. “What Is Emotional Numbing?” Verywell Mind. January 30, 2020. Accessed January 18, 2020. https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-numbing-symptoms-2797372.

CHAPTER 21

Chandler, Steve and Rich Litvin, The Prosperous Coach: Increase Income and Impact for You and Your Clients. Florida: Maurice Bassett, 2013.