50 Ways to Play

BDSM for Nice People

By Debra and Don Macleod

JEREMY P. TARCHER / PENGUIN

A member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

New York, New York

JEREMY P. TARCHER/PENGUIN

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)

Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd)

Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd)

Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi–110 017, India

Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd)

Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

Copyright © Debra and Don Macleod 2012

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

Published simultaneously in Canada

Most Tarcher/Penguin books are available at special quantity discounts for bulk purchase for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, and educational needs. Special books or book excerpts also can be created to fit specific needs. For details, write Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Special Markets, 375 Hudson Street, New York, NY 10014.

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

Neither the publisher nor the author is engaged in rendering professional advice or services to the individual reader. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions contained in this book are not intended as a substitute for consulting with your physician. All matters regarding your health require medical supervision. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or suggestion in this book.

Accordingly nothing in this book is intended as an express or implied warranty of the suitability or fitness of any product, service or design. The reader wishing to use a product, service or design discussed in this book should first consult a specialist or professional to ensure suitability and fitness for the reader’s particular life-style and environmental needs.

eBook ISBN: 978-1-101-61020-6

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright Page

Introduction

1. A Red Room of Pleasure & Pain

2. Sexual Domination & Submission

3. Delayed Sexual Gratification

4. Behavioral Restraint & Mind Games

5. Bedroom Bondage & Restraint

6. Japanese Rope Bondage

7. The Ottoman Empire

8. Suspended Sex

9. Hold Me Down

10. Sex & Sensory Deprivation

11. Pain & Pleasure

12. Erotic Spanking

13. Flogging Instruments

14. Love Bites & Scratches

15. Nipple Clamps & Toys

16. Feel the Burn

17. When Ice Is Nice

18. Glass Toys & Temperature Play

19. Talk Dirty to Me

20. The Sounds of Sex

21. A Public Power Play

22. BDSM Rituals

23. What Should I Wear?

24. Voyeurism & Exhibitionism

25. Erotic Humiliation

26. BDSM & Self-Pleasuring

27. Rough Sex & Force Fantasies

28. Orgasm Control

29. A BDSM Sex Toy Box

30. The Power Pull

31. Erotic Electrostimulation

32. Tickling

33. Erotic Torture

34. Bondage Positions

35. Crotch Ropes

36. Sexual Positions & Thrusting Techniques

37. Fetishes

38. BDSM & Cunnilingus, Part I

39. BDSM & Fellatio, Part I

40. BDSM & Cunnilingus, Part II

41. BDSM & Fellatio, Part II

42. Anal Play

43. Anal Sex

44. Sex & Mirrors

45. Pornography

46. Erotica

47. BDSM & Defamiliarization

48. A BDSM (Romantic?) Getaway

49. The Softer, Soapier Side of BDSM

50. Aftercare

About the Authors

Introduction

Sex is supposed to pack a punch. It’s supposed to take you off guard, make you hold your breath for what might come next, gasp with discovery, quicken your pulse and consume you, mind, body and soul. Sexual desire should make you say and do things that you would never normally say or do, and the severity of physical sensations should paralyze you. Sex should set you on fire, so that an unrecognizable shade of yourself comes alive in the smolder.

Take this pop quiz to see whether your sex life is as body-and-mind-blowing as it should or could be.

Pop Quiz

1. Are you physically aroused by the intensity of your partner’s desire for you?

2. Do you find yourself fantasizing about unorthodox sex acts with your partner?

3. Do you feel physically and emotionally exhausted after sex?

4. Is erotic desire a prevailing theme in your relationship?

5. Do you occasionally feel (pleasant) pain or (exciting) fear during sex?

6. Do you regularly lose yourself in erotic role-playing, restraint or rough sex?

7. Do you imagine being “used” by your partner during sex, or using him/her?

8. Do you use a variety of sexual aids to intensely stimulate all your senses during sex?

9. Does your partner sometimes seem like a different person during sex? Do you?

10. Do you revel in the sexual anticipation of what your partner will do next?

If you or your partner answered “no” to any of these questions, you’re not alone. Many couples feel that sex has lost its erotic impact and, if you’re one of them, it’s time to add a few kinky weapons to your after-dark arsenal. Actually, forget “a few” and add lots of them. Moderation is for sexual puritans. There are fifty thrills and chills in this book, boldly borrowed from the world of BDSM—Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism. These edgy ideas are guaranteed to get the juices flowing and the nerves firing like never before. And despite their deviant reputation, they are essential elements of a healthy sex life, even for nice people like you.

For some reason, romance and gentle lovemaking have a monopoly on mainstream sex. Of course, sex should be loving and meaningful. But that doesn’t mean you always have to stare deeply into each other’s eyes or move as one in the missionary position. Consensual rough-and-tumble sex, with a dose of high-sensory kink and BDSM for good measure, is noticeably absent from many couples’ sex lives, and many partners are unhappy with the vacancy. They complain of bland, routine sex lives and crave something harder and faster, something that consumes them with desire, excitement and exhilaration. They want something that injects an erotic buzz into their everyday life and makes them long for nightfall.

Gentle caresses and candlelight can’t always do that. That is why I never suggest romance movies to “spice up” a love life. I can’t think of anything more predictable. Instead, I recommend horror films. They get the blood pumping and the adrenaline flowing. They make you hold your breath and wait for the ax to fall. They bring energy and excitement into your evening. Think of this book as a horror flick as opposed to a romantic “chick flick.” You and your partner can enjoy it together, without any risk of falling asleep halfway through.

1. A Red Room of Pleasure & Pain

Not too long ago, I had occasion to visit a legal brothel in Nevada on business. I was given a tour of the facilities by a friendly courtesan in high heels and a garter, and several of the working ladies showed me their “bedrooms,” which they were allowed to decorate as they wished. The irresistible appeal of the place became tangible the moment I stepped into these bedrooms.

Each prostitute’s bedroom was decorated in classic bordello style. The walls were painted in solid, bold, deep colors—scarlet red or burgundy, emerald green or deep, deep purple. Almost every king-sized bed had a canopy over it, with sheer fabric flowing down to envelop the square of the bed into an even more private and sensual space. The bedding was satin and the air was fragranced with intoxicating incense. There was absolutely no mistaking what was supposed to happen in those rooms. These ladies were professionals at setting the mood.

Look around your bedroom. What do you see? A laundry hamper full of dirty clothes? An exercise bike in the corner? A pile of bills on the dresser? A laptop on the nightstand? Boring beige walls with cheesy, cheap-feeling flower-print bedding? Chances are, your bedroom couldn’t be a less sexy space if you dragged in the toilet, sat on the lid, and started clipping your toenails in front of the person you’re supposed to be seducing.

It’s time to transform your bland bedroom into a spicy boudoir. Get rid of anything that doesn’t scream sex. Throw caution and those interior design magazines to the wind, and roll some cathouse color onto your walls to instantly create an arousing ambience. Add a canopy over the bed, one that can enclose you and your partner within. Trash those flimsy vertical blinds and hang deeply colored velvet drapes that block every trace of light. Lay a luxurious area rug over that oh-so-functional laminate flooring. It’s a raunchier room already, isn’t it?

Because your new bedroom is pulling double duty as an adult playroom, it should also have an “adult toy box” in which you can hide—under lock and key if necessary—some of your BDSM playthings. Find an old trunk at a garage sale and spray-paint it scarlet red or glossy black. Or find a stiff cardboard box with a lid and wrap it in purple velvet. As you read each way to play, you’ll get ideas of what items you might want to put in this toy box (see #29).

2. Sexual Domination & Submission

Power imbalance—which may or may not be restricted to the bedroom—is a major component of BDSM play, with one partner being the dominant (or top) and the other the submissive (or bottom). A consensual and informed imbalance of power is different from an abuse of power, and many dominants delight in the freedom and authority to control the erotic activities of their partner.

Similarly, submissives revel in the sexual abandonment that comes with forfeiting control of their body and actions. There is an intense, raw eroticism that accompanies such vulnerability. For many men and women, this type of play is the only time in their lives that they can experience the rush or release of power and indulge in their sexual desires and fantasies at will; however, players must adhere to the BDSM creed of Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) sexual activity.

Male dominants are often referred to as Master, while female dominants may be called Mistress or a dominatrix. Submissives may be called a slave or a pet. Heads-up: your wife or girlfriend will probably be more okay with “dominatrix” than “pet.” Calling your husband or boyfriend Master, however, might help get you behind the wheel of that new convertible a lot faster. While some couples enjoy such honorific or fantasy titles, many mainstream couples who dip into BDSM prefer to play with the power dynamics without such labels. The degree to which a couple incorporates BDSM concepts and conventions into their relationship is a personal one. They should be tailored to a couple’s unique preferences and sensibilities.

A couple must also decide on the “limits” of their power play and BDSM scene. What acts are prohibited? Which ones are preferred? What kinds of things are negotiable? BDSM generally defines hard limits as being strictly off-limits activities, while soft limits are activities that someone will do—or have done to them—at their discretion or when very aroused. A must limit is an activity that is strongly preferred and requested by a partner, whether a dominant or a submissive. A time limit may also be set. This might be ten minutes or an entire weekend.

Communication is also essential for safe, consensual and respectful BDSM sexplay. Because this type of sexual activity involves elements of resistance, couples must also choose a “safe word.” This should be a distinct word or phrase that the submissive can say to immediately stop play. Some submissives may also use a caution word to indicate that play is approaching a physical or moral boundary, thus instructing the dominant to proceed in a different direction.

Couples can make a game of this essential BDSM prep work by exchanging sexual fantasies about what they want the BDSM experience to be like, including what they are both hoping will happen. This is a fun approach to answering some important questions and gaining vital insight into each other’s desires, expectations and limits. When snuggled in bed, partners can challenge each other to make up an erotic story about a BDSM scene. They can also write one out on the computer, creating a juicy piece of erotica that is as informative as it is arousing (see #46). It is essential that partners understand what appeals to both of them about domination and submission, as well as what doesn’t.

3. Delayed Sexual Gratification

Today, sexual pleasure is all about instant gratification. Quickies are rampant and online virtual sex is only a click away. BDSM takes a slower, sexier approach. It builds erotic anticipation, basks in each physical sensation and prolongs the sexual experience to intensify orgasmic release. To enjoy BDSM to its fullest, a dominant should delay the submissive’s climax—and his or her own climax—for as long as possible. This may or may not involve elements of orgasm control (see #28 and #33).

To this end, BDSM partners must be exceptionally tuned in to each other. The dominant must watch the submissive’s body language, listen to his or her moans and be aware of where he or she is in the arousal cycle. In this way, BDSM helps lovers become intimately connected and conscious of each other’s sexual experience and desires. Despite BDSM’s shady reputation, many couples find it a practice that is focused on sexual bonding as much as sexual bondage.

Specific ideas for delaying gratification, such as tickling (see #32), erotic torture (see #33) and so on, will be found throughout this book; however, these are a few general ideas:

Watch a favorite TV show in bed, limiting sexual activity such as kissing, fondling and even oral sex to the commercial breaks. Stop the moment the show comes back on.

Sleep in separate bedrooms for a night—not out of anger, but to increase arousal.

Agree in advance on how long to wait until orgasm. Two hours is not unreasonable, providing you have some ideas to pass the time. For example, thirty minutes of erotic massage and kissing, twenty minutes of oral sex, twenty minutes of full-body kissing, twenty minutes of sex toys and thirty minutes of intercourse, breaking when necessary to prolong the experience.

4. Behavioral Restraint & Mind Games

Perhaps you’ve heard it said that the mind is the largest sex organ. BDSM players know that to be true. Dominants will often use mental manipulation on submissives—the quintessential mind fuck—to exert control and build erotic anticipation. In fact, the power exchange between partners has to happen in the mind before it happens with the body. This brain game might involve the submissive asking the dominant’s permission to engage in non-sexual actions such as preparing a meal or making a phone call, whether such permission is required for a day or for longer. This strengthens the perception of a power imbalance and sets the stage for BDSM sexplay.

To bring a psychological dimension to BDSM sexplay and further exploit the control dynamics, the dominant may order the submissive to call him or her by a certain title (see #2) or perform certain chores. This is a great time to have him fix that leaky faucet. The dominant may also make the naked, restrained and blindfolded submissive wait lengthy periods of time before sexplay starts—this increases the submissive’s sense of expectation and dread, and allows both partners to immerse themselves in their roles.

5. Bedroom Bondage & Restraint

Physical restraint is the trademark of BDSM. It can be achieved via a variety of bondage gear, including wrist and ankle restraints, collars, chains, ropes, arm binders, leg-spreader bars and suspension equipment (see #29 and #34). These items bring intense visual impact to sexplay, as the dominant can bask in the novel sight of his or her partner in powerless and perhaps humiliating positions. At the same time, the submissive can savor the sense of being erotically exploited and sexually controlled. BDSM beginners may wish to invest in a bondage kit that comes with some of the basics, such as handcuffs, a whip or paddle and a blindfold.

An even better choice to begin your BDSM collection is to purchase a restraint system that discreetly fastens under the mattress. These usually come with adjustable straps and four restraints, for wrists and ankles. These systems accommodate a variety of restraint body positions, from spread-eagle to tightly bound limbs, which in turn allows for unlimited BDSM sexplay options. Under-the-bed restraint systems and “bedroom bondage kits” are available at larger or specialty sex shops, as well as many online sex shops.

To make a smart purchase, read a number of online user reviews before buying this or any sex toy or product. You should also check into the product’s composition and where it was manufactured. North American and European products are, generally speaking, made of the safest and highest quality materials. Online purchases often arrive more quickly than you might expect and are usually packaged discreetly.

If you don’t want to invest in a “professional” bedroom bondage system—or you’re too shy to face the knowing grin of a sex shop cashier—you can improvise a low-cost, under-the-bed restraint system as follows:

Purchase four lengths of cotton rope from a hardware store or home renovation center. If you have a king-sized bed, each length should be around eight feet long. Cotton rope is soft, flexible and least likely to cause severe rope burn, which is why ranchers usually use it for handling livestock. If it can hold a bucking bronco, it can hold a squirming submissive.

Secure the four ends of the rope together by tying them in a knot.

Remove the mattress from your bed and lay the rope on top of the bed frame with the knot square in the middle. Spread each length of rope to the four corners of the bed frame.

Replace the mattress.

Bring each of the four lengths of rope up over each corner of the mattress. The end of each rope can now be tied to the submissive’s wrists and ankles to secure him or her in the spread-eagle position.

This makeshift under-the-bed restraint system will do in a pinch; however, if you have the benefit of both a headboard and a footboard, it may be simpler to secure each length of rope to those to hold a submissive in the spread-eagle position.

6. Japanese Rope Bondage

While dominants can use anything from dungeon irons to the dog’s leash to bind a submissive, the fine art of Japanese rope bondage classes it up with the use of long, smooth ropes often made of hemp, jute or linen. These materials feel particularly good against bare skin. They are also very flexible and unlikely to cause rope burn; however, regular, higher-quality cotton rope will also work (see #5). The purpose of rope-bondage erotic art is multifold: restraint combined with erotic, intricate patterns that crisscross the submissive partner’s body to look as good as they feel.

Although it takes years of study and play to master this sexy art form, beginners can enjoy the basics by purchasing two lengths of high-quality rope. The first length should wind around the female submissive’s upper body, harnessing her breasts and restraining her arms to her sides or to a piece of furniture like the headboard or the arms of a chair. The second length should wind around her legs, either binding them closed or tying them open and fastening them to the footboard or the legs of a chair. Whether the submissive’s legs are bound closed or tied open depends on the type of sexual activity that is to follow.

As couples become more familiar with BDSM sexplay, they can begin to experiment with some of the more physically complicated and sensually dramatic bondage positions that can be achieved with rope (see #34 and #35).

7. The Ottoman Empire

No bondage boudoir is complete without a thickly cushioned ottoman sitting with deceptive innocence at the foot of the bed. This versatile piece of furniture allows a couple to engage in many BDSM activities. It should be low and long enough for one partner to lie on with good stability, but still narrow enough for the other partner to straddle with relative ease and mobility.

The submissive partner, whether male or female, lies supine on the ottoman while the dominant binds him or her to it with rope. Elements of Japanese rope bondage can be incorporated, so that the rope wraps around the submissive’s body rather than simply tethering the wrists and ankles. The submissive’s arms should be at his or her sides. If the submissive is the male partner, his legs should be bound closed; if female, her legs should be slightly spread when bound to the ottoman to accommodate penetration.

With the submissive bound in this vulnerable position, the dominant straddles the ottoman to stand above his or her partner. In this position, the dominant can lower his or her body on top of the submissive’s mouth to enjoy oral sex and then slide down to use the submissive’s genitals for intercourse.

8. Suspended Sex

Suspension bondage is a form of BDSM where the dominant hangs the submissive in some type of suspension system or device and then performs sexual acts to his or her body while it is so restrained. This practice requires skill and the proper equipment, which can be costly, complicated and dangerous to the inexperienced; however, BDSM beginners who don’t want to invest in a fully furnished dungeon can replicate the thrill of suspension in the shower. One of the sexiest ways to restrain a submissive is to tie the hands high above the head, making the body totally vulnerable. Fastening the submissive’s hands to a secure shower rod can mimic this suspension-inspired position by stretching the body, limiting resistance, maximizing the sense of exploitation and exposing the highly sensitive stretches of skin along the torso.

With the submissive in this position, the dominant can perform erotic torture (see #33) at leisure, using either his or her hands, mouth or a sex toy. For example, a female dominant may fellate her submissive just enough to keep him in sexual agony, while a male dominant may penetrate his submissive in the standing position, sometimes with his penis and sometimes with a vibrator. They may move into the shower to enjoy aqua sex afterward. A silicone-based personal lubricant is recommended to facilitate intercourse in the water.

Door jam cuffs offer another easy, economical way to restrain a submissive with his or her hands over the head. They are comprised of wrist restraints that attach to weighted straps, which drape over the top of a door and are secured by closing it. This is a discreet, must-have bondage item that facilitates many BDSM activities.

9. Hold Me Down

Not all sexual restraint games require bondage equipment to play. Sometimes, the weight of a partner’s body is just as arousing. This is especially true for female submissives who enjoy being held down and “taken” by their male dominant. This allows both partners to indulge in force fantasies.

Although very taboo, consensual force fantasies are a popular element of many couples’ sex lives, both in the mainstream and BDSM community. This type of erotic escapism allows male dominants to “let go” and indulge their more primal, basic desires while simultaneously allowing female submissives to enjoy their partner’s brute strength and sexuality. The female submissive can also enjoy guilt-free sex. Because she cannot resist, she has no option but to be used as a sexual object and experience sexual feelings.

BDSM force fantasies run the gamut from lukewarm to scalding. Beginners may wish to focus on basic bodily restraint. For example, the male dominant may hold his submissive in position by her hair during penetration. He may also push her body against a wall or lean her over a dresser as he has his way with her: if this is your game plan, make sure there are no religious icons or photos of your mother-in-law on the dresser. Talk about mood breakers. A male submissive may imagine that he has ingested a drug that has temporarily rendered him paralyzed and unable to resist his female dominant’s unwanted sexual advances. The poor boy.

10. Sex & Sensory Deprivation

It’s hard science: when a person loses one of his or her senses, the other senses are enhanced. Sight is perhaps the easiest sense to restrict during sex, and blindfolds are a must in any BDSM bedside drawer. A female dominant may want to use a silk stocking to cover her male submissive’s eyes, perhaps spritzing it with perfume to tantalize his nearby nostrils. Male dominants may want to use a necktie—a sexily masculine choice—laced with a drop of cologne.

Sensory deprivation scenes are popular in BDSM sexplay. Muzzles, mouth gags and hoods, some with open mouths and some with zippered or closed mouths, are often used to restrict the speech, sight and hearing of the submissive partner. For mainstream or beginning BDSM players who find full leather hoods too intimidating, a satisfactory degree of sensory deprivation can often be achieved by simply placing the bedcovers over the submissive’s face. This creates a novel sense of anonymity and anticipation for both partners.

11. Pain & Pleasure

The classic BDSM cocktail is a spicy blend of pain and pleasure. Typically, the dominant partner is aroused by sadism, or the act of inflicting pain on another. The submissive is aroused by feeling pain, a quality of masochism. In good BDSM, there is a perfect balance of giving and receiving pain within the context of sexual activity. In so doing, the physical and mental sensations of sex are maximized. The body is exploding with intense feeling and the mind is reeling from the power imbalance between dominant and submissive. Lovers who wish to incorporate elements of pain and pleasure into their sex lives must discuss their desires and limits, as well as any safety concerns or precautions, in advance (see #2).

12. Erotic Spanking

Spanking is a common practice that combines pain and pleasure, or sadism and masochism, while also amplifying the control dynamics between BDSM players. The dominant can spank the submissive in a number of positions: bent over the dominant’s knee or a piece of furniture, lying prone, twisting from the supine position, crouching on all fours or standing. Restraint with BDSM bondage gear enhances sexual exploitation and excitement.

Spanking intensifies sexual pleasure by increasing blood flow to the buttocks and genital region. It creates a sexual “burn” that heightens genital stimulation and spikes arousal. Although nothing more than an open, bare hand is needed to spank, special spanking instruments bring extra sensation and novelty to the experience. Impression slappers leave a symbol or word on the submissive’s buttocks, while thin “devil’s tail” slappers result in a sharp sting. Flatter paddles, made of leather or suede, have great versatility and cover more surface area.

Makeshift spanking instruments can be found in your kitchen drawers, too. Spatulas, whisks, egg turners and wooden spoons all work. If you’re too shy to browse the spanking aisle at a sex shop, you can guiltlessly wander the aisles at a kitchen shop and choose a selection of “toys.” Kitchen utensils like spatulas and egg turners come in a variety of shapes, sizes and materials, from plastic to metal, and each will create a different spanking sensation. You can also swipe a rubber-lined paddle off the tennis table in your rec room.

During erotic spanking, the dominant should alternate the force of blows—sometimes hard, sometimes soft—to keep the submissive in a state of uncertain expectation. The dominant should also interrupt spanking strokes to gently caress the submissive’s buttocks. This quickly changes the erotic mood from rough punishment to tender love—precisely the type of mind game that BDSM partners love to play.

13. Flogging Instruments

While paddles and slappers are designed for spanking the buttocks, flogging instruments like whips and canes can add impact to other areas of the body. Leather or suede whips allow for a softer touch, while rubber whips are better at creating the hot, stinging sensation that many BDSM players crave. Whips with multiple tassels are best, as these can deliver the greatest range of stimulation. Canes may be made of bamboo, rattan, plastic or even stainless steel and provide the sharpest, most focused impact.

Again, low-cost everyday items can also be used as flogging instruments. You can start by browsing the floral aisle at a craft shop where you will find a large variety of wheat stalks and other bunches of dried grasses typically used to create home decorations. Different types of plant material—from wild grass to palm—will produce different flogging sensations, and this type of discovery is half the fun.

Submissives should be restrained during flogging. Because whips are designed for whole-body sensation play, a dominant should blindfold his or her submissive before starting. The dominant can lightly drag the tassels of a whip down the submissive’s chest, tantalizing the nipples and grazing the genitals before moving down the legs, leaving a trail of goose bumps. This exquisitely subtle but body-racking sensation can be peppered with harder strikes of the whip on the submissive’s torso or limbs. If the submissive’s legs are spread apart, the dominant can slap his or her genitals, gently and then with as much force as the submissive wants, with the whip’s tassels.

14. Love Bites & Scratches

Why are vampires so sexy? Because they come to life after dark, dress in black, exude danger and bite those they desire. There’s a reason they’re the “bad boy” fantasy lovers of scores of suburban wives. They know how to get the juices flowing, and they don’t leave their dirty socks in the middle of the living room floor.

Neck-nibbling vampires are the ultimate BDSM lovers, too. Many women and men find that the throat area, including the sides and nape of the neck, is an extremely erogenous zone that is second only to the genitals. When stimulated by kissing, this area ramps overall arousal. When bitten, spikes of pleasure and pain course through the body, sending mixed messages of want and fear.

Sensual biting should be done when the submissive is in a partial or full state of arousal, as he or she will be able to tolerate more pressure when turned on. The dominant should switch between quick bites and longer ones and between hard bites and softer ones. Of course, care must be taken to never break the skin, as infection may result. Unlike Dracula, the dominant doesn’t have to restrict his or her biting to the neck area. The dominant can nibble and bite along the shoulders and down the sides of the body. Before biting a female submissive’s nipples, however, the dominant should kiss and gently nibble the areola (the area around the nipple) to arouse the nipple and prepare it for more intense attention.

Moving down the submissive’s body, the dominant can bite the hip and thigh regions. Biting this area can quickly increase genital arousal as the submissive will soon begin to crave genital contact. The male dominant can gently bite the lips of his female submissive’s vulva before softly nibbling the clitoris. This should be done sporadically, so that the submissive does not orgasm too quickly. The dominant can compound and prolong the submissive’s tortured pleasure by occasionally thrusting his tongue or a finger into her vagina.

Sensual scratching, technically called amychesis, is another way that a dominant can deliver pleasurable pain to his or her submissive and engage in sensation play. The female dominant can drag her long nails down her submissive’s back and buttocks. The male dominant can use a scratching tool, such as a regular back scratcher, a wire brush or even a rough loofah. He can also use a specialty item like so-called “cat nails.” These instruments are made of twin stainless steel points that slip over a man’s finger, so that he can run them over his submissive’s body. They are particularly effective at stimulating the areola and nipple area and can provide as much piercing pleasure as the submissive can take.

The ancient sexual manual Kama Sutra puts a sensual spin on scratching. It suggests that when lovemaking becomes intense, one partner should press his or her nails into the other’s skin. This nail press generates a localized sensation and leaves an impression that remains sensitive for some time. The Kama Sutra recommends pressing the nails into the neck, breast, navel, buttocks and thighs. The world’s oldest sex guide, the Kama Sutra has a lot to say about high-sensory sex and the “ecstatic state” that consensual lovers who are “blind with passion” enter into. It is believed to be the writing that created the practices of sadism and masochism. As such, it is an interesting bedside reader for BDSM couples, especially those who prefer thrillers to romances.

15. Nipple Clamps & Toys

Nipple clamps are a staple of BDSM sexplay. Their purpose is to provide hands-free stimulation and pressure to the submissive’s nipples, so that the dominant can simultaneously pleasure other parts of his or her body. Nipple clamps can be tame or wild. The tamest types are simple “alligator” clips with adjustable pressure. Wilder varieties are more vise-like. Some nipple clamps vibrate for maximum stimulation. Others are connected to a BDSM collar by a thin chain, while others extend to the genitals with a chain and end in either a clitoral clamp or a penis ring (see #29).

Other nipple toys common to BDSM play are nipple suckers of the “snake bite” variety. These seal around the nipple to create a pulling or vacuum effect that mimics the suction of a partner’s mouth. Nipple pumps or cylinders are also popular. These also create a pleasurable suction sensation while enlarging the nipple to make it more erect and sensitive.

While nipple clamps and toys are usually used by male dominants on female submissives, some female dominants will use them to provide pain, if not pleasure, to a male submissive. A restrained submissive, dressed in nothing but nipple clamps, also provides a novel and striking visual for a dominant. A dominant can grasp his or her submissive’s nipple clamps, especially longer styles or those that come with a chain, and use them to guide, torture or punish a partner.

If a dominant wishes to subject a submissive to nipple stimulation without hardware, he or she may want to try a nipple-stimulating gel, cream or lotion. These create a very sensual tingle and many are flavored to please the discerning palate of the BDSM dominant.

As with most BDSM gear or toys, economical alternatives are available. All you need is a little imagination. For example, wooden clothespins and plastic paperclips can serve as nipple clamps. And remember your trip to the kitchen store (see #12)? Kitchen tongs come in different designs and materials. Tongs covered in plastic or rubber are best as there is less risk of piercing the skin. The dominant can use them to pinch the submissive’s nipples.

16. Feel the Burn

BDSM strives to deliver extreme, unexpected sensations to the submissive’s body. It relies on erotic anticipation, sudden discovery and sexual impact that blurs the distinction between what feels good and what doesn’t. Candle and wax play is a practice that is particularly pleasing to BDSM novices and experts alike. It involves dripping hot wax onto a submissive’s bare flesh, and watching the sudden shock of pain transform into lingering pleasure.

If you are new to wax play, be sure to choose a properly wicked soy wax candle that is intended for sexplay. These melt at safe temperatures and, unlike candles made of beeswax or paraffin, will not burn the skin. Many of these are deliciously fragranced. Some contain wax that, once melted, can be used as massage oil and smoothed over the submissive’s body to spread warmth.

To begin, the dominant can restrain his or her submissive to the bed in the supine position. Alternatively, the dominant can restrain the submissive in the seated position, with his or her wrists and ankles bound to a chair. The submissive should be blindfolded before he or she has knowledge of the dominant’s plans. The dominant should move silently to burn the candle until a pool of warmed oil appears, and then—without notice—drip some of the warm oil on the submissive’s skin. For maximum effect, the dominant should concentrate on the heavily innervated nipples, navel and inner thighs. Genitals should be avoided.

17. When Ice Is Nice

When applied to areas of naked, aroused flesh, temperature extremes can intensify sexual stimulation. A favorite activity of BDSM has the dominant drag an ice cube along the submissive’s body. The dominant may take an icy path from the submissive’s throat, down the chest and navel, and over and around the genitals of both sexes. A male dominant should pay extra attention to the breasts, slowly sliding the ice cube around each breast in turn, and then zeroing in to circle the areola, finally running the ice cube over the nipple.

This type of temperature play can be maximized by alternating the ice cube experience with hot wax drippings (see #16). The contrast of warmth and coolness can also be exploited by placing a hot water bottle on a part of the submissive’s body or breasts, removing it, and gliding an ice cube over the area. A dominant can also have a submissive lie or sit on a heating pad, and then slide the ice cube over his or her genitals.

Ice play can also complement spanking (see #12) and flogging (see #13) activities. When the dominant is finished inflicting such striking treatment on the submissive, he or she can glide an ice cube over the area of skin that was being spanked or flogged. It doesn’t just feel good, it minimizes swelling so that your coworkers don’t wonder why you’re sitting so funny in your chair. You know how that redhead in reception likes to start rumors.

18. Glass Toys & Temperature Play

Another way to engage in temperature play is to use glass sex toys. These are often made of Pyrex and, in addition to being able to retain both heat and cold, are hypoallergenic and ultra-hygienic. They come in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors and are the beauty queens of the sex toy market. In fact, many glass toys resemble pieces of Venetian glass art more than sex toys. If you leave one out by accident, you can tell your company that it’s a blown glass serpent you purchased from the gift shop in the Palazzo Giustinian. That’s way classier than saying it’s an anal probe you ordered online.

Glass wands, dildos and probes—many designed to stimulate the G-spot in women and the prostate in men—are widely available and often boast pleasure-enhancing curves and bumps. BDSM players should have two on hand: one for heat and one for cold.

To enjoy temperature play, the submissive partner should be restrained and blindfolded, preferably in the supine position. An under-the-bed restraint system (see #5) is ideal to restrain a submissive for this kind of activity, as it allows the dominant to hold the submissive’s body in a spread-eagle position: the legs are open, allowing access to the genitals, while also providing a great surface area to stimulate. Perhaps the most vulnerable of all BDSM restraint positions, this placement complements temperature play by maximizing the submissive’s sense of helpless expectation.

Next, the dominant should heat one of the glass toys, either under hot running water or in the microwave, and chill the other, either under cold running water or in the refrigerator. The dominant should then stimulate the submissive’s nipples with alternating heat and cold before moving to the genitals and doing the same. The male dominant can twirl the tip of a warmed glass wand around his submissive’s clitoris and then retrace its path with the tip of a cooled wand. He can also use the warm tip of one glass wand to stimulate his submissive’s clitoris while he penetrates her vagina with the cool wand: he can then switch wands to reverse the temperature sensations that she is feeling.

A female dominant can run a warm glass wand along the erect shaft of her submissive partner while simultaneously rolling a cool wand over the glans (head) of his penis. She can similarly switch wands to reverse the temperature effects he is experiencing. She can also stimulate his scrotum by rolling first the warm and then the cool wands over, under and around it. A water-based personal lubricant can help the wands glide more smoothly around the genitals.

While glass toys feel exquisite, they can also be expensive. To see whether the glass experience is worth the investment, you can experiment by using relatively inexpensive glass jewelry—two long necklaces with large glass beads are best. The closer the beads are together, the better. This option will also fulfill your glass curiosity without having to visit a sex shop or make an online purchase.

When you’ve found a couple of suitable glass-beaded necklaces, warm one of them in a bowl of heated water. Because not all glass can withstand temperature changes, and cheaper glass even less so, piping hot or boiling water is not recommended. This could cause the glass to crack and scratch the skin or genitals. The second necklace should be put in a cold bowl of water. Lower-quality glass will not retain temperature as long, so you’ll want to make sure that you put these naughty necklaces into action as soon as possible.

Once the necklaces are at their optimal temperature, the dominant partner should smooth some personal lubricant onto the submissive’s genitals and then proceed to drag the warm beaded strand over and around the submissive’s genitals, quickly following this with the cool beaded strand. The dominant can also snake each beaded strand over the rest of the submissive’s body. Glass has a distinctive feel that can pleasure almost any erogenous zone. This kind of play nicely complements erotic torture (see #33).

19. Talk Dirty to Me

Do you think that dirty talk is all about words that start with F? Think again. Erotic language is a compelling, arousing element of a sex life. It isn’t all about profanity, although hard word choice can certainly capture a partner’s attention. As often as not, dirty talk is descriptive in nature. One partner might describe what they are feeling or fantasizing about, which in turn elicits an erotic response from the other partner.

A dominant partner can use dirty talk to instruct the submissive on what sexual acts to perform, or to inform the submissive what sexual acts will be performed on him or her. More “degrading” language or names can be used as the sexplay dips into elements of rough sex (see #27), role-playing or humiliation (see #25). The dominant doesn’t have to do all the talking either: he or she can order the submissive to utter words or expressions that the submissive would not normally say. This brings a thrilling sense of power, vulnerability and exploitation to sex.

Despite its erotic potential, many couples are hesitant to use dirty talk. Some are afraid of sounding ridiculous, while others just don’t know what to say. It may help to break down BDSM dirty talk into some of its basic elements.

The Desire Long before sexplay begins, the dominant can reveal his or her BDSM desires or sexual plans for the submissive, thus giving the submissive plenty of time to anticipate—perhaps with erotic dread—what is to happen. This type of verbal foreplay builds expectation and excitement for both partners. The dominant may say something like, “I’m going to use you tonight,” or “You’re going to be sore when I’m done with you.” There is no reason to use graphic language at this point. In fact, sexual profanity often has better impact if used only during times of intense passion.

The Order During BDSM play, the dominant can remain silent and simply move the submissive’s body into the positions he or she wants; however, most dominants verbally instruct the submissive regarding the sexual activities he or she wants to do (or have done). A dominant might say, “Open your mouth,” or “Suck hard.”

The Description Dirty talk can be a way for BDSM partners to communicate during sex and to share what each of them is experiencing. Simple descriptive phrases like, “That hurts so good,” or “I can feel your tongue slide over my cock,” or “My nipples are throbbing,” are highly arousing to the listener, as they lend erotic insight into what a sexual partner is feeling. A dominant may describe his or her own sensations, or order the submissive to describe what she or he is experiencing.

Smack Talk Some BDSM partners will occasionally use degrading language during sexplay. It is often meant to demean a submissive to complement fantasy role-playing or more intense BDSM scenes. A male dominant may call a female submissive a “whore” or a “bitch,” while a female dominant may tell her male submissive that he is “nothing but a cock.” This kind of language isn’t for everyone, but it does exploit the power imbalance and control dynamics that characterize BDSM play. That being said, degrading language or name-calling can create emotional problems and conflict if partners are not entirely consenting and informed, or if their relationship is not a happy and healthy one. The use of degrading language can cross into erotic humiliation (see #25) and must be discussed in advance and with as much seriousness as conversations about physical safety.

The Buildup Dirty talk is an effective way to build orgasmic momentum. It lets partners communicate where they are in the arousal cycle—that is, how close they are to climax—and it also helps bring a partner to a sexual crescendo. A dominant may order a submissive to climax by saying something like, “I want you to come now,” or a submissive may say, “I can’t stop it—I’m going to come and it’s going to hurt.”

The Release Talking dirty during orgasmic release provides sexy mood music to accompany and even intensify sexual climax. A male dominant might describe what he is feeling during release by saying, “I can feel it pumping out of me,” while his female submissive might say, “I can feel you filling me up—it feels so hot.”

Voice tone is another element of dirty talk that should be considered. Dirty talk should be low, throaty and erotic. Remember: you’re reveling in sexual abandon, not placing an order at a drive-thru window. Your voice tone should suit the occasion. A dominant should speak with sexual authority and confidence. A submissive should speak with deference and, in certain BDSM situations, hesitation or dread.

20. The Sounds of Sex

BDSM can be a rough game. Loud groans, shrieks of pleasurable pain and heavy breathing should fill the room (or dungeon, as the case may be). A submissive who is being “taken” by a dominant can intensify the experience for both players by uttering pained, muffled moans or screaming. A dominant should let his or her vocal gasps, groans and grunts complement the slapping of his or her body against the submissive. Much BDSM gear is designed to add an auditory element to sex: paddles, whips, chains and even latex clothing all bring a distinct sound to sexplay.

21. A Public Power Play

Erotic domination isn’t restricted to the bedroom or BDSM dungeon. To maximize the allure and impact of the power imbalance between partners, couples may wish to occasionally play outside. This is an adventurous way to engage in BDSM foreplay.

Happily, modern sex toy technology can keep a public power play as discreet as it is decadent. To play in this way, the dominant male partner should purchase a remote-controlled bullet vibrator for his female submissive (see #29). He should invite his partner out for dinner, but insist that she slip the small vibrator inside her body first. He, of course, will keep the remote control. During dinner, the dominant should play with the controls at his pleasure, subjecting his submissive to unexpected bursts of intense genital stimulation. Not only will the submissive’s body be randomly incapacitated and involuntarily aroused by the vibration, but the dominant can revel in the power he exerts over his partner, even—perhaps especially—in public.

A remote-controlled “strap-on” bullet vibrator attaches to a woman’s panty and stimulates the clitoris. Worn outside her body, it is an alternative to an internal bullet vibrator. When choosing either item, look for a cordless model with quiet functioning and good range.

22. BDSM Rituals

In BDSM play, rituals are often performed to help partners transition from their regular roles as spouses, parents, workers and so on, and into their BDSM roles as dominant and submissive. Rituals can also help couples clear their heads of day-to-day distractions, so that they can immerse themselves in the experience and thus fully enjoy the erotic escapism of BDSM sexplay. Rituals can also serve as a form of foreplay by increasing sexual anticipation.

Rituals should be tailored to a couple’s preferences and lifestyle. Some dominants may instruct their submissive to wear a certain item of clothing during the day, such as a specific pair of underwear or a pair of handcuffs under a long-sleeved shirt, so that sex stays on the submissive’s brain during his or her workday. A dominant may also order a submissive to prepare a specific meal or shave/trim his or her pubic hair in a certain way. Other couples may exchange X-rated email or texts to spark arousal (see #19). Still others may share a shower or bath together. Some female dominants will paint their nails deep red or purple to foreshadow BDSM play, thus sending a silent but ritualistic message to the submissive.

23. What Should I Wear?

Because of its striking visual impact, BDSM clothing can bring an extra sense of novelty to sexplay. A female dominant or submissive may want to wear high heels, stockings and a garter, a snug corset or even a saucy catsuit. Open-crotch panties, adhesive nipple covers (also called pasties) and open or cupless bras can visually arouse any man, dominant or submissive.Warning: There are no lace, frills or rose-petal designs allowed in BDSM. You’re a dominatrix, not a doily. More vamp, less Victoria’s Secret.

A male dominant or submissive can wear a variety of boxers, briefs and G-strings that are designed to emphasize his erection. Women are constantly inundated with shiny images of augmented breasts, some lifted to such dizzying heights by anti-gravitational push-up bras that NASA could strap one of these puppies onto an astronaut and use it to simulate zero gravity. BDSM briefs for men, with their bulge-enhancing black latex, finally give the fairer sex some erotic eye candy.

BDSM clothing can also bring added tactile enjoyment to sexplay. Leather, PVC, latex and even rubber clothing can all feel exquisitely sensual to both the wearer and his or her partner. Much of it is snug in just the right places. Many dominants delight in the feel of a submissive’s latex-clad body and such attire can help a submissive stay in character. Men’s underwear that is designed for the BDSM scene often adds feel-good friction to the genital area.

Uniforms can also be worn during BDSM play to enhance fantasy role-plays. To complement a dungeon fantasy, a female dominant may wish to wear the classic dominatrix “discipline” corset dress, while her male submissive wears a latex jock. To enhance a racy prostitute fantasy, the female player may prefer to wear a PVC vamp dress while her client wears a suit and tie.

24. Voyeurism & Exhibitionism

Voyeurism (a desire to watch an unsuspecting person undress and have sex) and exhibitionism (a desire to be watched as you undress or have sex) often play a part in BDSM. To engage the control dynamics of BDSM sexplay, a dominant may order a submissive to perform a sexual act in public. Obviously, this type of game should be extremely discreet and more fantasy than reality. For example, a female dominant might instruct her male submissive to stroke his genitals while driving on a deserted street, while a male dominant may tell his female submissive to expose her breasts. This rouses a sense of exhibitionism in a risk-free way.

To play with the idea of voyeurism, some BDSM couples will attend strip or peep shows. Unlike pornography, this real-time, real-world experience has a greater element of voyeurism to it. A toned-down alternative is to visit online chat rooms and watch “live sex” via webcams. You only have to Google “webcam sex” and you’ll have a thousand to choose from. Again, the real-time quality of webcam sex rooms has a decidedly voyeuristic quality to it. To include a control component, the dominant may order his or her submissive to perform the same sex acts as the on-screen performers.

25. Erotic Humiliation

While not for everyone, erotic humiliation is a part of BDSM sexplay for some couples. It is considered “edgeplay,” the kind of activity that many players believe pushes the BDSM boundaries of Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC). It can involve anything from making a person perform an embarrassing act in public to insulting their body. Mainstream couples may wish to use elements of humiliation in private and respectful play only, such as ordering a submissive to perform a sexual act or to masturbate (see #26).

26. BDSM & Self-Pleasuring

Playing with power is a real turn-on. Dominants relish the idea of being in total control of a submissive, often ordering the submissive to perform sexual acts that he or she might not normally do. It’s part power trip, part sexual novelty.

Watching a woman masturbate is a favorite male fantasy, so it is no small wonder this adult daydream finds its way into the BDSM world. A male dominant will often instruct a female submissive to masturbate for his viewing pleasure. He may ask her to use a dildo (see #29) or just her fingers. He may choose to walk her through the process step-by-step, instructing her how and when to touch her clitoris, caress her breasts and body, and slide a finger inside her vagina. To raunch things up, he might restrain her in the spread-eagle position (see #5) and have her grind her genitals against his leg or hand until she reaches orgasm. The combination of her arousal and helplessness has great erotic impact.

A male dominant can also slide a rabbit-style vibrator (see #29) inside the vagina of his bound female submissive, turn it on, and watch her writhe in restrained sexual agony until she climaxes, almost against her will. The dominant may at times remove the vibrator, or pull it out just enough that his submissive has to desperately twist and turn to push it back inside her body. This can be an excruciatingly erotic game to play (see #28).

A male dominant may wish to apply a pair of nipple clamps (see #15) to his spread-eagle submissive to increase the involuntary onslaught of pleasure that she receives. Flogging her breasts or pubic area with a tasseled whip (see #13) can make her squirm even more to compound the dominant’s sense of sexual power. Again, this is a potent sight that few men get to see and a BDSM scene can bring it to sexy life.

Many female dominants similarly revel in the idea of ordering a male submissive to masturbate. Male masturbation is something that most women rarely see, so the sense of sexual novelty can be particularly profound for the fairer sex. For whatever reason, a woman watching a man self-pleasure is more taboo than the other way around. If a man is hesitant to perform in this way, immersing himself in the role of the submissive can help him release his inhibitions and enjoy his partner’s response.

To set this scene, the female dominant should sit her male submissive in a high-backed chair. She should bind his ankles to the legs of the chair, and then wrap a rope (see #6) around his chest to tie at the back of the chair, thus restraining him in the chair in the upright position. She can leave one or both of his hands free, depending on her preference. She should then give her submissive a handful of warming personal lubricant (see #29) and order him to start stroking.

If she wishes, the female dominant can instruct her submissive to use a male masturbation toy (see #29 and #30). She may order him to stroke himself to climax, or she might make him stop when he is close to coming (see #28) so that she can continue to use him for her pleasure.

While self-pleasuring has great value as an element of BDSM sexplay, it has an added bonus—it gives partners the opportunity to showcase precisely how they like to be touched. Not only is masturbation a sight to behold, it offers a lesson to be learned.

27. Rough Sex & Force Fantasies

BDSM sexplay is not a leisure sport. It is not uncommon for players to work up a sweat, lose their breath, feel their hearts race or come away with a few raunchy forget-me-nots, from rope-burned wrists and reddened buttocks to pleasantly sore genitals and aching muscles. Playing with the idea of sexual power and control is not for timid, unimaginative or lazy lovers. This is tough sex, not tantric sex.

As such, it isn’t uncommon for BDSM to include features of rough sex and force fantasies. These may be relatively mild restraint fantasies (see #9) or more intense fantasies involving a greater degree of force, domination, bondage and resistance. As these types of fantasies intensify in content, so too does the physicality of sexplay between partners.

Rough sex fantasies are appealing to both men and women and do not indicate a desire to rape or be raped. For men, they are indulgent and escapist and lead to a potent rush of raw power. He is going to take what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it and as much as he wants it. And no, he isn’t going to put the cat out first, damn it.

For women, force fantasies often fulfill a need to be so intensely desired by a man that he cannot stop himself from ravishing her. He might be a medieval knight on horseback or a powerful but lonely businessman with a hole in his soul—a hole that can only be filled by her. The man knows it’s wrong, he knows he should stop, but his loins are quivering with hot desire and his manhood is swelling to stallion proportions in anticipation of sinking into the sweet warmth of her . . . Well, you get the picture. This theme is a prevailing one in formulaic romance novels, often called “bodice-rippers.”

When performed in a consensual, informed and safe way, force fantasies are a healthy part of a normal sex life and can fulfill the private desires of both partners. They do, however, require an advance discussion about limits and a safe word (see #2).

Common force fantasies in the BDSM world involve kidnap, confinement in a bedroom or dungeon, and forced sexual acts including intercourse and oral sex. They usually involve bondage and restraint on a bed or another piece of furniture (see #5 to #7 and #34) or a suspension device (see #8). There may also be an element of psychological force (see #4), where the dominant “forces” the submissive to disrobe or perform a sex act against her or his will.

To intensify the arousing effects of bondage and force, the dominant may wish to blindfold the submissive and add elements of sensory deprivation (see #10) into the BDSM scene via a hood or a mouth gag. The use of spanking toys (see #12) and flogging instruments (see #13) can also add to the physicality of the scene.

When it comes to force fantasies, both men and women can be dominants. If a female dominant wants to assault her submissive in this way, she should first restrain him spread-eagle to the bed (see #5). She may then fellate him to erection or use a warming lube to make him hard. She can add a penis ring and coax him toward involuntary climax with her hands or she can blindfold him and use a real or makeshift male masturbation toy (see #29 and #30) to make him come against his will without ever showing him what the device on his erection really is.

28. Orgasm Control

The dominant’s ability to have total and complete control over the sexual arousal and activities of the submissive is a central principle of BDSM sexplay. But it doesn’t end there—a dominant should also have control over when and how the submissive will orgasm. This involves a mix of physical domination (see #2) and mental domination (see #4) over the submissive. More often than not, orgasm control relies on delayed gratification (see #3) to prolong and ultimately intensify final release.

At its simplest, a dominant may control the submissive’s orgasm by verbally instructing him or her how and when to climax. To spice it up, a dominant can “tie and tease” the submissive (see #33). The submissive may be restrained to the bed, a chair or other piece of furniture (see #5 to#7) or from an actual or makeshift suspension device, whether a shower curtain rod or door jam cuffs (see #8). He or she may also be bound by rope (see #34).

The female dominant can toy with her male submissive’s erection and level of arousal by subjecting his genitals to fellatio (see #41), brief periods of vaginal penetration and the distinct sensations of a variety of sex toys (see #29 and #30). To treat him to erotic torture (see #33), she can repeatedly bring him to the very threshold of orgasm, and then back off—a practice called “edging.”

Similarly, the male dominant can stimulate his female submissive’s genitals and edge her to the brink of orgasm and back via cunnilingus and fingering (see #38 and #40), and periods of vaginal penetration using different thrusts, speeds and depths to maximize sensation (see #36). He can also use a selection of sex toys (see #29) for maximum erotic impact.

By using a number of different tools and techniques on the submissive’s body, the dominant is able to assault the submissive’s body with shards of sexual stimulation, while simultaneously preventing him or her from building the momentum needed for orgasm. This can prolong the BDSM experience for both partners. When the dominant wants the submissive to climax, he or she should continue to use the same strokes and stimulation, so that the submissive can reach the sexual crescendo. The dominant may also want to verbally communicate that it is time for the submissive to orgasm.

If desired, the dominant can choose to engage in mutual climax, where both partners reach orgasm at the same time. Partners who achieve mutual orgasm have great insight into each other’s sexuality and arousal cycles, and this isn’t a goal that is easily achieved.

While orgasm control is a powerful element of BDSM, dominants must beware the “ruined orgasm.” If the submissive is brought to the edge of orgasm too many times, or if he or she experiences an ill-timed orgasm (for example, when the dominant has ceased genital stimulation), the submissive’s orgasm will be unsatisfying. To avoid the ruined orgasm, the dominant must be keenly aware of where the submissive is in his or her arousal cycle.

29. A BDSM Sex Toy Box

BDSM doesn’t pack lightly. It is a sexual sport that requires a disrespectable wardrobe (see #23) and, more importantly, a wide range of accessories. The following is a summarized shopping list of BDSM sex toys that couples may want to stock in their adult toy box (see #2). A brief description of each item, including instructions and ideas for use, may be found below or in other parts of the book, as indicated.

While restraints and erotic aids are fundamental to BDSM sexplay, newcomers should not let their reluctance to visit a sex shop or make a XXX online purchase stop them from getting in the game. With a little imagination—and a dirty mind—low-cost, readily available G-rated items can be substituted during play. These kinds of alternatives are suggested below and throughout the book.

For Both:

Restraint Gear Bondage equipment is a defining part of BDSM sexplay. Couples can invest in leather wrist and ankle restraints, although plastic dollar-store toy handcuffs will do too. An under-the-bed restraint system, either professional or improvised (see #5), is essential. High-quality rope—the type that is used in Japanese rope binding—should be on your wish list, although cotton rope is an economical, widely available alternative (see #6 and #34).

Another option is to visit a fabric store and purchase several long, skinny lengths of fabric that can be used in lieu of rope. This lets couples experiment with the way different fabrics feel against the body and the genitals. It also helps a female submissive look her best and most fashionable, even under BDSM duress.

Specially designed BDSM suspension equipment is available, and door jam cuffs are a great item; however, small lengths of rope or fabric (as above) can be tied to regular door hooks and then wrapped around the submissive’s wrists to secure his or her arms overhead. A shower rod can also be used to hold up a submissive’s arms (see #8). Arm binders offer added excitement and visual appeal. Leg-spreader bars—a rigid bar with ankle cuffs on either end—add edgy novelty to the bondage experience.

Sensory Deprivation Gear BDSM play delivers extreme sensation—and when one sense is restricted, the others are amplified. A blindfold is a mandatory BDSM accessory, while hoods, muzzles and mouth gags are optional for beginners (see #10).

Personal Lubricant Good-quality personal lubricants are helpful during sexplay. Water-based lubes are generally best and are compatible with most sex toys, including those made of latex and silicone. Silicone-based lubes are ideal for aqua sex, but will break down toys made of silicone. Oil and petroleum-based lubes can cause staining and infection and are not recommended. A thick artificial personal lubricant is essential when engaging in anal play or penetration (see #42 and #43). Choose one that is designed specifically for anal sex.

Some personal lubes have warming or cooling properties in addition to lubrication. These can be used during intercourse (see #36) or to enhance manual stimulation of both men (see #30) and women. Other personal lubricants pull double duty as massage lotion, although these do not tend to be as good as real massage oil.

Straight Vibrator Nonintimidating, versatile and effective, this is the classic sex toy. It can be used to tease the nipples and the genitals. On women, a straight vibrator can provide vibrating sensation to the clitoris and then slip inside the vagina for internal pleasure. On men, a straight vibrator can be rolled along an erect shaft and over the glans. It can also be rolled over and under the scrotum, and then pressed against the perineum to stimulate the prostate (see #42).

Spanking Toys Erotic spanking is a hallmark of BDSM and impact toys can maximize sensation while exploiting the power imbalance between the dominant and submissive. There is a wide variety of both BDSM paddles and improvised items, including kitchen utensils, that can be used (see #12).

Flogging Instruments Canes and whips, especially whips with long tasseled ends, can be used instead of, or in conjunction with, spanking tools to increase sensation and immerse partners in the BDSM experience. Makeshift floggers include bunches of dried grasses (see #13).

Ticklers Ticklers come in a variety of styles and materials. They can be as expensive and exotic as ostrich or peacock feathers, or as inexpensive and common as a maid’s feather duster (see #32). When combined with bondage and restraint, tickling allows a dominant to subject a submissive to exquisite erotic torture (see #33).

Probes Often used in anal play (see #42), probes are available in an almost endless selection of styles. Many are designed to stimulate the prostate. Probes designed for vaginal use are designed to stroke a woman’s G-spot.

Butt Plugs Cursed with the ugliest name in the sex toy industry, butt plugs are nonetheless a popular toy for anal sex play (see #43). At first glance, they look like a monstrous tack that a sadistic kid might put on a teacher’s chair. They’re designed to hit the same spot, too. If you’re into anal play, or schoolteacher fantasies, you’ll want to add one to your stash.

Anal Beads These come as a string of beads that are often graduated from small to larger. They are designed to slip into the anus and may stay in place, slide in and out or be withdrawn during orgasm (see #43).

Glass Toys Blessed with the loveliest appearance of all erotic aids, glass toys—often made of ultra-hygienic Pyrex—are perfect for temperature play. Their aesthetic appeal is perfect for discerning BDSM sophisticates. Glass jewelry can sometimes be substituted (see #18).

Electrosex Products The practice of erotic electrostimulation or “electrosex” is, relatively speaking, a newcomer to the BDSM world. Nonetheless, it hasn’t taken long for a variety of electrosex products—from penis bands to sex clamps—to appear on the sex toy market (see #31).

Candles Properly wicked soy candles are suitable for temperature and wax play because, unlike paraffin or beeswax candles, they will not burn the skin (see #16).

For Her:

The Rabbit Vibrator This type of vibrator is guaranteed to quickly bring almost any woman to orgasm. It consists of a rotating shaft and a two-pronged clitoral stimulator in the shape of rabbit ears, thus providing simultaneous vaginal and clitoral stimulation. When slid inside a restrained female submissive, she will have little choice but to succumb to the tag-team pleasure of the deep turning shaft and the gentle vibrations of the rabbit ears. To simulate the action of the rabbit ears, an electric toothbrush can be used on a woman’s clitoris (see #34).

The Remote-Controlled Bullet Vibrator Good things really do come in small packages. The bullet or egg vibrator slips inside a woman’s vagina to provide discreet stimulation. And when her dominant is at the controls, the pleasure is as unpredictable as it is unstoppable. Some bullet vibrators attach to the crotch area of panties, so there is a make and model to suit every woman and sexual purpose (see #21).

Dildos Dildos are phallic-looking sex toys. Some resemble real penises, while others have more of a novelty appeal in terms of size and color. Many boast bumps or other textures to enhance pleasure. Strap-on dildos are often used in BDSM sexplay, especially for more hard-core scenes where a female dominant “penetrates” a male submissive (see #43).

Nipple Clamps, Toys & Gels There is a plethora of products designed for nipple stimulation. From simple alligator clamps and suction mini-cups to vibrating clips and stimulating lotions, nipple toys provide a hands-free way for a dominant to ensure his submissive’s most sensitive areas remain stimulated. A range of common items from wooden clothespins to kitchen tongs can also be used for nipple stimulation (see #15).

Clitoral Stimulating Gels, Creams or Lotions These products produce a tingling sensation that intensifies clitoral arousal. They are best used during fingering and intercourse, as their taste and effect may bother a man who is performing cunnilingus. A man who uses a strong mint mouthwash prior to cunnilingus can treat his woman to a similar tingling experience without having his tongue go numb while performing oral sex.

Ben Wa Balls Ben Wa balls slip inside a woman’s vagina to produce constant internal pleasure. They are the perfect complements to delayed gratification (see #3), erotic torture (see #33) and cunnilingus (see #40). They may be made of rubber, plastic or glass, and some models vibrate for extra sensation.

For Him:

Penis Stimulating Gel, Cream or Lotion These products create a tingling sensation on an erect shaft, thereby intensifying arousal and increasing sensitivity. These are best used during manual manipulation (see #30) and intercourse (see #36), as their taste and effect may be unpleasant to a woman performing fellatio. A woman can bring a tingling sensation to fellatio by using a minty mouthwash or sucking on a strong mint before performing oral sex.

Penis Pumps & Male Masturbators Male masturbators or “pocket pussies” replicate a woman’s vagina, mouth or anus. They are made of various construction materials and often boast multi-textured “insides” alongside a vibration or suction function. Penis pumps are most often suction cylinders into which a man slides his shaft. They are used for self-pleasure, to temporarily increase the size of an erection, or for personal discipline. These should be used according to directions—never use too much pressure or leave on for too long. Personal lubricant is required for use with these items.

A female dominant can use these kinds of erotic aids to watch a man masturbate (see #26), for orgasm control (see #28) or to add variety to a hand job (see #30). Using such a device on a bound or restrained male submissive can exacerbate his sense of helplessness and can therefore complement force fantasies (see #27). For that reason, male masturbators are valuable and versatile BDSM toys for female dominants.

A female dominant can reproduce the effect of a penis sleeve by applying a generous heaping of personal lubricant to a smoothly textured facecloth, folding the facecloth into a cylinder, and then sliding it up and down her male submissive’s shaft.

Penis Rings Penis or cock rings fit around the penis and are made of leather, metal, rubber, latex, jelly or silicone. They wrap around the base of the penis, under the scrotum, to trap blood in the shaft. The result is a longer, harder, thicker and ultrasensitive erection. Many penis rings have ticklers or small vibrators to stimulate a woman’s clitoris during intercourse. Choose a waterproof model that offers quiet use and multiple levels of sensation.

A tasty alternative is to visit a candy store and buy some gummy rings: these can be stretched to fit around the base of the penis and can be nibbled off during fellatio. From peach to blue raspberry, these can make fellatio a delicious experience for both partners. The weight-watching dominatrix can buy sugar-free gummy rings if she prefers.

Beginners should only leave penis rings on for a short while, and should only purchase one that has a quick-release safety feature. Penis rings can be used during intercourse, fellatio and manual manipulation (see #30). They can also be used to assist with delayed gratification (see #3).

30. The Power Pull

A female dominant who wants to inflame her male submissive’s passion—and his penis—should first secure his restraint to either the bed in a supine spread-eagle position (see #5), in a seated position by tying him to a chair with rope (see #6) or with his hands over his head (see #8). Once he is in place, she should slip a penis ring over his semi-erect shaft, and then fellate him until he hardens. When he is fully erect, she can begin to stroke his erection with either a warming lubricant or a penis-stimulating gel (see #29) to send shivers of tingles up and down the ultrasensitive skin of his shaft.

As her submissive’s penis becomes more engorged, the female dominant should use alternating upward-only “milking” hand strokes with up-and-down hand pumps. She can add occasional twists to his glans, and squeezes to his scrotum, to deliver unexpected spikes of body-shaking sensation. This power-pull is suitable for delayed gratification (see #3), orgasm control (see #28) and general feel-good fun.

To up the ante, a female dominant can first restrain her male submissive and—instead of a penis ring and stimulating gel—use a well-lubricated male masturbation toy to stimulate him either to orgasm or to the point of arousal that she wants him to reach. Penis pumps are particularly useful for domination purposes and power plays (see #30). They perfectly complement force fantasies (see #27) and erotic torture (see #33), as the female dominant can control the amount of suction her male submissive feels on his shaft. Especially when combined with bondage, a penis pump puts a female dominant in complete control.

31. Erotic Electrostimulation

Erotic electrostimulation or “electrosex” is a BDSM practice wherein ultra-mild electrical currents stimulate the genitals. Because this edgy form of sexplay has inherent dangers, couples must only use high-quality e-stim products—including power boxes, accessories and electrosex gel—from reputable sources, such as established sex shops. So no, you can’t put the dog’s anti-bark collar on your husband and make him bark on all fours. This is one area where improvisation is not a good idea. It is generally recommended that electrosex products be applied only from the waist down to limit any risk to those with heart conditions. Scared yet? Relax. With research, proper equipment and safe use, electrosex can add a real charge to the BDSM experience.

E-stimulation products for men include penis bands that fit around the shaft. The electrical pulses run between the bands to create an intensely pleasurable and unique sensation. The current’s settings are adjustable. Penis sheaths and rings are also available and function similarly. There are also scrotal toys or “parachutes” that wrap around the scrotum, pull it down and away from the body, and then tingle it with currents. They’re useless for skydiving, though.

E-stimulation products for women include bullets and probes for vaginal insertion, and clamps for external vaginal stimulation. E-stimulation wands and butt plugs are also available.

Newcomers to erotic electrostimulation may wish to purchase an electrosex beginner’s kit. These usually include a power box, adhesive pads and a few accessories. Most importantly, they contain comprehensive instructions for use.

Electrosex can add a sexy spark to many aspects of BDSM play, especially delayed gratification (see #3) and erotic torture (see #33). When combined with bondage and sensory deprivation—even a blindfold will do—it results in an electrifying sexual experience for dominant and submissive alike.

32. Tickling

While not as flashy or high-tech as electrosex, old-fashioned erotic tickling is a fantastic BDSM practice that many dominants use to make their submissives squirm with pleasure. Some whips (see #13) come with long, silky tassels that a dominant can lightly drag over the submissive’s body. Thin rubber tassels feel especially good. A utilitarian feather duster can also do this job. And remember those bunches of dried grass that served as makeshift flogging instruments (see #13)? Some of them, such as dried Bunny Tails, have plushy, soft tips that are perfect for tickling.

And then, of course, there is the classic feather tickler. Often a single large plume on the end of a stick, these can be strikingly beautiful and those made of ostrich or peacock feathers have great aesthetic appeal. Dried pampas grass plumes, also available at most craft stores, cost a fraction of the price and are almost as good. They come in a gorgeous array of colors from pink to turquoise.

Once a submissive is restrained in the spread-eagle or standing position (see #5 and #8), the dominant can take his or her sweet time to tantalize the captive’s erogenous zones with a barely-there feathery sensation that floods the body and stimulates genital response. Sensory deprivation may or may not be used (see #10) in conjunction with restraint.

The dominant can use the tip of the feather to trace around the submissive’s areolae and nipples, moving down the navel to the genitals. Use of the feather’s tip should be interspersed with broad strokes of the feather’s edge. This results in a variety of sensations that will have a submissive writhing in all-encompassing, whole-body pleasure.

33. Erotic Torture

Erotic torture involves the bondage of a submissive (see #5 to #8, #29 and #34) so that the dominant can slowly, usually over a fairly lengthy period of time, subject the submissive’s restrained body to a series of erotic pleasures. It is often combined with delayed gratification (see #3) and orgasm control (see #28). The use of sex toys (see #29) and tickling (see #32) are also common activities during erotic torture, often alternated with harder activities such as spanking (see #12) or flogging (see #13). Brief periods of oral sex (see #38 to #41) or sexual intercourse (see #36) may also take place to ensure the submissive’s body receives a variety of sensations, each more exquisite than the last.

Couples who engage in this type of sexplay must have a safe word and maintain good communication (see #2). Erotic torture bears no resemblance whatsoever to actual torture. It is designed for the sexual pleasure of the submissive, as well as the erotic gratification of his or her dominant. Feigned helplessness is an arousing and fundamental aspect of BDSM; however, erotic torture should deliver more pleasure than pain.

34. Bondage Positions

Lying spread-eagle, bound supine to an ottoman, rope-tied to a chair and tied or suspended with the arms over the head are some basic bondage positions that have been covered so far; however, as BDSM sexplay progresses, couples may want to experiment with more physical and dramatic positions. They can then incorporate various elements of BDSM—from spanking and erotic torture to force fantasies and sex toys—into these novel positions to make their BDSM experience new all over again. The following is a handful of bondage positions that strike a sexy balance between naughty and nice.

The Hogtie Position Despite its unfortunate name, the hogtie position is a classic bondage position where the submissive’s arms and legs are bound together, behind the back, usually with rope or wrist and ankle cuffs. This position should be reserved for flexible people only. Ropes should be tied lightly, ensuring quick and easy release if the submissive indicates he or she wants to be released. The hogtie position offers an ideal way to set the scene for a force fantasy (see #27).

The Leapfrog Position This is a raunchy position where the submissive is restrained in a more or less doggy-style position, with his or her buttocks in the air and face on the bed. The submissive’s legs may be held open with a leg-spreader bar (see #29), while the wrists may be bound with rope or cuffs and the arms slipped under the upper body.

The leapfrog position is the perfect complement to spanking (see #12) as it allows direct access to the entire buttock area. It also facilitates anal play, with and without sex toys (see #42 and #29) and anal sex (#43).

In the case of a male dominant and female submissive, this position accommodates rear-entry sexual intercourse: it provides an enticing visual for a man while positioning a woman’s backside in such a way that penetration and thrusting feel wonderful (see #36). Even better, it provides a risqué position for cunnilingus (see #38).

The Over-Arm Tie In this bondage position, the submissive’s arms are extended up over their shoulders, and then the hands are tied behind the head with ropes or cuffs. The dominant may wish to spice up this position by attaching a rope to the wrists, running it down the submissive’s back, and securing it at the waist. If the submissive is sitting on her or his legs, the dominant can also extend a rope from the wrists to each of the submissive’s ankles, so that the legs are also restrained.

The openness of the over-arm tie exposes the sensitive stretches of skin along the body, from the underarm area to the hips, thus accommodating tickling (see #32). It also provides a striking visual that looks—and feels—completely vulnerable.

Elbow Bondage To achieve this versatile position, the dominant pulls both of the submissive’s arms behind his or her back and binds them at the elbows. While flexible submissives will be able to join their arms tightly at the elbows, many people are unable to achieve elbow contact: the dominant should ensure the rope is as strict or as slack as the submissive prefers. The dominant may also want to secure the submissive’s wrists with rope or cuffs to help maintain this position.

Elbow bondage has the effect of pushing the breasts forward and out. If the submissive is female, her male dominant can thus exploit the full canvas of the breasts by tickling (see #32) them, or by licking or sucking the areolae and nipples with his mouth. He can also use nipple toys, whether clamps or stimulating gels, to maximize erotic stimulation of this highly sensitive area (see #15).

The Frogtie Position In this revealing position, each of the submissive’s legs is bent and bound—at the ankle and thigh—so that his or her legs vaguely resemble the bent legs of a sitting frog. An easy alternative is to sit the submissive on the bed, bend each leg up, and then wrap a length of rope around it to keep it in place. When both legs are tied like this and then spread apart, the submissive’s genitals are completely exposed, thus making it the perfect restraint position for a number of BDSM activities, including the use of glass toys and temperature play. The wrists can be bound behind the back with rope or cuffs.

In the case of a male dominant and a female submissive, the dominant may wish to use a rabbit vibrator or other sex toy (see #29) on his submissive’s genitals, providing her with both clitoral and vaginal stimulation while restrained in the frogtie position. He can replicate this double-the-pleasure sensation by gently “brushing” her clitoris with the tip of an electric, vibrating or pulsating toothbrush while simultaneously sliding a finger in and out of her vagina. Go lightly to gauge her response and see how much pressure to use. And do not insert the toothbrush or bristles inside her vagina, as they could damage the sensitive tissue in that region.

A female dominant can also dish out intense BDSM pleasures to her male submissive while she has him in the frogtie position. She can perform fellatio (see #41) or lower her body onto his erection, thus using him for her own pleasure when he cannot resist her. She can also use sex toys (see #29), including a male masturbator like a penis sleeve or penis pump (see #30), to exploit his sense of being used, abused and aroused against his will.

35. Crotch Ropes

Like so many sex toys and BDSM gear, the crotch rope has an ugly name, but a beautiful effect. Crotch ropes are used to stimulate a female submissive’s genitals. The rope is tied around her waist and then extended between the legs to rest between the labia to stimulate the clitoris. It can be fastened with as much or as little pressure as the submissive prefers.

Crotch ropes can be worn over or under clothing. Many male dominants will instruct their female submissive to wear a crotch rope between her panties and her clothes for the entire day, as a ritual to build both mental and physical anticipation for evening BDSM sexplay (see #22). Crotch ropes also facilitate force fantasies (see #27), delayed gratification (see #3) and erotic torture and teasing (see #33).

To add even more BDSM flair to the crotch rope, the male dominant can apply it when his submissive is in the suspended or standing position (see #8). He can also combine it with the over-arm bondage tie (see #34).

36. Sexual Positions & Thrusting Techniques

Despite the arsenal of bondage gear, rubber clothing, whips and chains, sex toys, erotic mind games and rope burns that constitutes BDSM sexplay, there is still room for good old-fashioned sexual intercourse; however, like everything else in BDSM, the focus of penetrative sex is on delivering as much sensory stimulation as possible. To that end, it is essential that dominants and submissives of both sexes be conscious of how different sexual positions can affect pleasure—specifically, how the angle, depth, speed and force of thrusting can change the way sex feels for both partners.

The ancient sex manual Kama Sutra is widely speculated to be a source of BDSM practices. Written in the third century AD, the Kama Sutra was written by an Indian sage by the name of Vatsyayana. In it, Vatsyayana describes the “various ways of laying down and the different kinds of congress.” Translation: different sexual positions and thrusting techniques. A number of these BDSM-worthy positions and thrusts are described below.

Positions

Yawning In this position, the woman lies on her back, raises her thighs, and holds them apart as her man penetrates her. She can hook her arms around the back of her knees to hold her legs open, or she can rest her legs on her man’s shoulders for support. This position makes a woman’s clitoris accessible to her man, allowing him to stimulate it as he simultaneously thrusts into her. It also gives him a beautiful bird’s-eye view of her bare breasts and body below him.

Rising The woman raises her legs straight up in the air as her man penetrates her.

Clasping This is the basic missionary position where both partners stretch their legs straight against each other, lying face-to-face, typically with the man on top. BDSM players can add a little sin to this sweet position by having the woman wrap her legs around the man’s body and either press her nails into his back or give it a long scratch (see #14). A woman can also aggressively lift her pelvis to push up against her partner’s groin, thus establishing her dominant position even when she is on the bottom.

Lotus In this classic lovemaking position, the man sits cross-legged while his woman sits on his lap and lowers her body onto his erection. She wraps her legs around his body, and her arms around his neck, using his shoulders as leverage to pump his shaft. The man can also grip his woman’s buttocks to lift her off and on his erection, thereby using her body to stroke it. This position helps in the BDSM practice of delayed gratification (see #3) as it does not create as much friction or fury as some other positions.

Pressed The woman lies on her back and brings her knees to her chest. The man kneels and penetrates her as she presses her feet against his chest. This position facilitates more physical sex: the harder the woman presses her feet against her man’s chest, the harder he has to work to thrust. For this reason, this is a good position to use during rough sex and force fantasies (see #27).

Congress of the Cow Don’t think about agriculture. And don’t think that anyone is calling you a cow. Just enjoy what this arrangement has to offer. In this rear-entry position, the woman stands in the bent-over position while her man enters her from behind. She can also get onto her hands and knees. Her man can caress, massage, kiss—or scratch and slap—her back to increase sensation. This position makes a woman’s vagina feel tighter, which is pleasurable for both partners. It also offers the man an exciting view of his woman’s genitals and backside. Most importantly, it exploits the power imbalance between partners and helps a man reinforce his role as the dominant (see #2).

Thrusting Techniques

Churning To perform this technique, the man stops thrusting and begins to circle his hips, thereby churning his penis inside his woman’s vagina. He can also grip the base of his penis to churn it inside.

Blow of the Boar The man uses his penis to stroke both sides of his woman’s vagina.

Piercing This stroke is achieved when a man thrusts downward (from above) into his woman’s vagina. This thrust grazes the clitoris. It can be performed fast and hard, or slowly and softly, depending on the sexual mood.

Rubbing Essentially the opposite of a piercing stroke (as above), the rubbing stroke is achieved when a man thrusts upward into his woman’s vagina.

Pressing This is a “close thrust” where both partners press their thighs against each other while the man thrusts.

Giving a Blow This is a “distance thrust” where the man withdraws his penis from his woman’s vagina and then forcibly thrusts into her again. It is suitable for rough sex and force fantasies (see #27).

The Sporting of the Sparrow This technique involves rhythmic, rapid thrusts wherein the man’s penis does not withdraw from the vagina. This thrusting style often foreshadows male orgasm.

Both male and female dominants can use different thrusting techniques to exert orgasm control (see #28) over their submissive partner. The male dominant can use different angles, depths and speeds to control the ebb and flow of his woman’s arousal.

The female dominant can order her male submissive to perform certain thrusting styles to control his level of arousal and exercise orgasm control. For example, she might order him to perform a sequence like this:

1. Four churning strokes—to stir arousal or slow things down

2. Six pressing strokes—for slow, deep penetration

3. Eight giving-a-blow strokes—for fast and furious friction on his shaft

4. Two pressing strokes—to briefly return to deep, pleasurable penetration

5. Fifteen sporting-of-the-sparrow strokes—to make him reach orgasm

37. Fetishes

It’s hard to think about fetishes in BDSM since, for most mainstream couples, BDSM is a fetish in and of itself. Nonetheless, it is important for partners to be aware of each other’s favorite fetishes so that these can be incorporated into sex. The result is a tailor-made sexual experience that hits all the right buttons. It doesn’t matter if the things that arouse you are actual fetishes or just sexual preferences—either way, the more you can exploit them, the better.

Having a strong desire for a particular body part is a popular kind of fetish. Foot fetishes are common, and some people enjoy sucking or being penetrated by a partner’s toe or toes. Footwear such as stockings, stilettos and high-buckled boots are often associated with feet fetishes. Stomachs are a fetish area also, particularly for male dominants who enjoy ejaculating on their submissive’s tummy. So too are fingernails that can leave a mark (see #14). Tattoos and body piercings like belly rings or tongue studs are also popular. Clothing material—from latex to leather—is a fetish that almost all BDSM players have to some extent.

Shower sex (see #8) is a fetish for many couples and especially for men, perhaps because it is so strongly associated with arousal, fantasy and masturbation. BDSM trademarks like domination and submission (see #2), restraint (see #5 and #34), pain (see #11), rough sex and force fantasies (see #27), as well as voyeurism and exhibitionism (see #24), round out the most popular sexual preferences of mainstream couples.

38. BDSM & Cunnilingus, Part I

Cunnilingus always feels good, but adding the excitement and novelty of bondage to oral sex can increase its enjoyment multifold. For women who are comfortable with receiving cunnilingus, restraint brings an entirely new dimension to it. For women who are uncomfortable with cunnilingus, restraint can offer a guilt-free way to indulge in an activity they might not normally partake in out of embarrassment, shame or inhibitions.

The leapfrog and frogtie positions (see #34) are two of the best bondage positions for BDSM-style cunnilingus, and each delivers distinct sensations to a woman’s genitals. Each position also allows the male dominant to use different BDSM tactics on his female submissive. With her in the leapfrog position, for example, he can spread her buttocks to perform cunnilingus from behind. He can also simultaneously stimulate her anal area with a slim vibrating probe (see #29). With his submissive restrained in the frogtie position, the male dominant can gently whip her genitals with the rubber tassels of a flogging toy, and then kiss her better with long licks along her labia.

A standing or suspended position (see #8) is also a great restraint option for cunnilingus, particularly if a leg-spreader bar is used (see #29). This position provides excellent access to a female submissive’s clitoris. The male dominant can lick her labia from below before swirling his tongue around her clitoris and then gently sucking on it. To add internal pleasure, he can thrust inside her with his fingers.

A female dominant who wants her submissive to perform oral sex can order him to kneel, and then restrain him with either the over-arm tie or elbow bondage (see #34). She can then stand above him and tell him precisely what to do with his mouth, without having to worry about his wandering hands.

39. BDSM & Fellatio, Part I

Fellatio is common in mainstream or so-called vanilla sex; however, it is usually a fairly passive experience for men. The domination aspect of BDSM allows a man to be a more selfish, even aggressive participant. With his submissive bound below him, perhaps on an ottoman (see #7), he can straddle her and penetrate her mouth without having to worry about her pleasure. Of course, a man who plays in this way must be keenly aware of his partner’s comfort level, and how deeply or quickly he can thrust without gagging her.

To complete this power play, the dominant can ejaculate on his submissive’s face or on another part of her body. This fulfills a common male fetish (see #37). Unfortunately, it can also remind a woman of those stomach-churning “facials” or “cum shots” often seen in male-focused pornography (see #45). If you’re a man who wants to play in this way, you must first have a respectful discussion about this with your woman (see #2). She might be willing, for example, to let you ejaculate on her stomach but not her face.

Another option is for the dominant male to hogtie (see #34) his submissive and hold her hair, thus “forcing” her to fellate him. This gives a woman more mobility to control the way she takes him into her mouth.

40. BDSM & Cunnilingus, Part II

The classic BDSM spread-eagle position (see #5) offers more ways to combine bondage with cunnilingus and erotic aids. Once a male dominant restrains his submissive in this wide-open position, he can slip a pair of vibrating Ben Wa balls inside her vagina (see #29). These create a pleasurable, tingling fullness that can dramatically increase the erotic impact of cunnilingus. A remote-controlled bullet vibrator is another option that can stimulate the inside of the vagina during cunnilingus. This option allows the dominant to choreograph the level of vaginal sensation with the intensity of mouth maneuvers.

To overload his female submissive’s senses, the dominant can add a pair of nipple clamps—the type that are connected by a chain—to her nipples (see #15). As he licks her labia and sucks on her clitoris, he can reach up to pull on the chain, thus skyrocketing the intensity of her experience. Cunnilingus performed in this way on a restrained or bound female submissive provides a perfect background to fantasies about domination (see #2) and force (see #27).

41. BDSM & Fellatio, Part II

It may seem antithetical to women that fellatio can be a way to simultaneously pleasure and dominate a man. Pornography that centers on male-only pleasure doesn’t paint a pretty picture (see #39 and #45); however, many women realize the power potential of fellatio. Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt, was widely rumored to be a fellatrix without equal who used her oral-sex skills to seduce two of the world’s most powerful men—Julius Caesar and Mark Antony.

To exert mental and physical control over her male submissive and make him feel “used,” a female dominant can fellate him while he is bound. The spread-eagle (see #5) and suspended or standing positions (see #8) give her open access to his genitals. To really enjoy her power trip, she can deprive him of some senses by blindfolding him or making him wear a hood (see #10) while simultaneously flooding his other senses by fellating him while he wears a penis ring (see #29).

To tend to her own pleasure, a female dominant may wish to self-pleasure with a vibrator (see #26 and #29) while she fellates him. She can then stop and order him to penetrate her in the position and thrusting style of her choice (see #36).

42. Anal Play

Anal play involves pleasurable stimulation of the anal area without engaging in penetrative sex. It is a common practice in BDSM sexplay, although generally considered taboo by vanilla-sex standards; however, the taboo element makes it all the more exciting.

A word of caution about anal play: nothing that touches the anal area—whether a finger or a sex toy—should ever come in contact with the vagina. Such contact can cause serious urinary tract infections in women. Anal play requires cleanliness and, since the anal area does not have natural lubrication, it also involves the use of an artificial lubricant. Watch out for anal lubricants that contain “desensitizing” ingredients. You need to feel what’s going on, since discomfort is your body’s way of protecting itself.

To initiate anal play, a male dominant can restrain his submissive in the leapfrog position (see #34) and perform oral sex until her arousal builds—a partner who is turned on may be more receptive to experimenting with this type of sexplay. He can then apply gentle pressure to her anus with a lubricated finger, vibrator or anal probe (see #29), perhaps letting just the very tip slip inside. If he wishes, he can penetrate her and begin to thrust as he continues to apply pressure to her anus. The novelty of the act for him, and the sensation for her, can intensify orgasm for both.

A female dominant who wants to initiate anal play can restrain her male submissive in the frogtie position (see #34) and perform oral sex until he is erect and aroused. She can then slip a vibrator under his body to press against and stimulate his anal area as she continues to fellate him, whether to climax or until she wants to do something different (see #3 and #28).

Prostate massage is the most pleasurable aspect of anal play for many men. The prostate gland is part of the male urinary and reproductive systems and is located just below the bladder. It plays a role in the production of semen and ejaculation. The prostate can be externally stimulated by pressing or massaging the perineum, the small area that extends from behind the scrotum to the anus, to create a deep pleasurable sensation.

To perform prostate stimulation on her submissive, the female dominant can restrain him in the spread-eagle position (see #5) and perform oral sex until he is erect. With the knuckles of one hand, she can press against the perineum as she fellates him, while gently squeezing his scrotum with her other hand. She may want to press a bullet vibrator (see #29) against the perineum to add an extra buzz to the experience. Bullet vibrators are less phallic-looking than straight vibrators, which might help a heterosexual man be more receptive to anal play.

43. Anal Sex

Anal sexual penetration can be an enjoyable experience for both women and men, particularly those in the BDSM scene. Many women enjoy double penetration—simultaneous penetration of the vagina and anus—by their partner’s penis and a sex toy. Men enjoy both the novel, taboo element of anal sex as well as the tightness around their shaft.

It is less common for heterosexual men to allow themselves to be anally penetrated; however, anal probes, butt plugs and strap-on dildos (see #29) can accommodate those who are game to try. Many anal probes are designed for internal prostate stimulation, which, when performed in unison with fellatio, can result in a surprisingly powerful orgasm for men.

Slow, sure and slick is the game plan when incorporating anal sex into BDSM sexplay. Take things slowly and cautiously at first, keeping an open channel of communication between partners and remembering your limits and safe word (see #2). Ample anal lubricant without a desensitizer is essential, and there must be no contact or transference of germs between the anus and the vagina. Those new to anal sex should rely on fantasy elements to bring a sense of domination and submission to the experience—bondage and restraints should not be used until both partners are experienced and comfortable with this type of sexplay.

When partners are familiar and at ease with anal sex, they can begin to incorporate other elements of BDSM into it, including bondage. Anal sex toys (see #29) can also be brought into play. Probes and vibrators can be used in a phallic sense to penetrate and withdraw, while butt plugs and anal beads remain in place to produce a constant sense of pleasurable fullness. Strap-on dildos can be used by a female dominant to punish and penetrate her male submissive. A male dominant may instruct his female submissive to fellate a dildo as a form of mild erotic humiliation (see #25) or to masturbate herself with it for his viewing pleasure (see #26).

44. Sex & Mirrors

Mirrors can add amazing visual impact to BDSM sexplay. The dominant partner can place a mirror in front of a restrained submissive and then order the submissive to watch as his or her body is used, abused and aroused involuntarily.

“Suspending” a submissive by the wrists from a shower rod (see #8) in the bathroom can easily accommodate this type of play, providing the vanity mirror is within sight. For BDSM bedroom play, the submissive can be restrained in the standing position with door jam cuffs (see #8) and then a full-length dressing mirror can be positioned in front of her or him.

To fully exploit the visual dimension and revel in his domination, the male dominant can make his restrained female submissive watch as he fastens nipple clamps (see #15) to her nipples and slides a bullet vibrator inside her vagina (see #21 and #29), using the remote control to stimulate her at his whim—and against her will. He can subject her to agonizing delayed gratification (see #3) by alternating periods of cunnilingus (see #38) and vaginal penetration with a straight vibrator.

A female dominant can force her male submissive to watch every moment of his sexual agony and ecstasy by restraining him in the suspended or standing position as above, and placing a mirror before him in the same way. She may want to apply a penis ring and/or subject him to the excruciating pleasure of a male masturbator (see #29 and #30). She may also want to fellate him while pleasuring herself with a rabbit vibrator or other sex toy (see #26 and #29). This sight is guaranteed to bring any male submissive to the breaking point. A female dominant can also order her submissive to watch as she subjects him to erotic torture (see #33) by flogging his body, using the tassels of a whip (see #13) to strike his genitals with more pleasure than pain.

A word of warning to men about sex and mirrors: if your woman is self-conscious about her body, this is more likely to shut her down than turn her on. To segue into the use of mirrors, wait until you’re both aroused and then suggest it. If she says no, don’t ask again.

45. Pornography

Pornography can be used in BDSM sexplay in a variety of ways. A dominant can force his or her submissive to watch porn, either while performing a sexual act or while being brought to orgasm. It can also fulfill a fetish for voyeurism (see #24 and #37), as partners can imagine they are watching another couple have sex. For many couples, watching pornography with a BDSM theme gives them ideas and gets them in the mood for sex. Some will even reenact their favorite scenes or activities. Still other couples will play pornography in the background of their own BDSM scene. The sights are stimulating and the sounds, especially with the volume cranked, are perfect mood music.

Keep in mind, however, that not all pornography is created alike. You’ll want to make sure that what you choose is on the couple-friendly side, since much pornography is geared solely for male pleasure and the visuals can make even the most stoic woman want to take out her eyeballs and wash them in the sink. That being said, don’t be afraid to push your boundaries and err on the kinky side. You can fast-forward the scenes that do more harm than good.

Newcomers to BDSM-themed pornography must tread particularly lightly. Read some online reviews and/or research the production company that made the film before you purchase or download it. Generally speaking, you’ll have much better luck with professional BDSM-themed adult movies than you will with amateur online videos. There is a lot of hard-core BDSM material that mainstream couples will find offensive and the Web is teeming with it. This may include severe elements of humiliation or degradation, pain or mutilation, forced sex and the use of body fluids. Remember: BDSM doesn’t have to be gross to be good.

46. Erotica

Written erotica, particularly BDSM-themed erotica, is a great alternative to pornography. It has exceptional fantasy value, initiates arousal in women and men alike, encourages erotic escapism and stirs the sexual imagination of both partners. There is also less chance that a woman who is new to BDSM will be offended by written erotica than visual pornography. In practice, a dominant can force a submissive to read an erotic story as a form of foreplay.

47. BDSM & Defamiliarization

Defamiliarization is an artistic device that compels a person to see a familiar item—whether a bicycle or a human body—in an unfamiliar way. In so doing, it can make an item seem new, exciting and enticing. BDSM players try to defamiliarize their partner’s body, and the act of sex itself, to make both feel novel and exhilarating. This is why so much of the BDSM culture is visual and tactile—those latex dresses, leather handcuffs and rubber whips have a purpose. These elements come together to create an atmosphere of erotic escapism, where partners can forget their everyday worries and distractions, and wholly immerse themselves in the sexual experience. It’s as good for the spirit as it is for the body.

To ensure that BDSM sexplay doesn’t become routine, predictable or boring, couples should continuously try to add new, unexpected elements to the experience. Changing the “little things” can have big effects on arousal. Here are a few tips to get you thinking:

Replace the white lightbulb in your bedroom or bedside lamp with a red bulb. This will cast a luxuriously sensual glow in the room. You can also cover the lamp shade with differently colored fabrics.

Unless you and your partner have a ritualistic room for BDSM play (see #22), occasionally take the action to different parts of your house. A submissive can be restrained to the kitchen table or the ottoman in the living room too. You can even enjoy a BDSM scene in the car.

Change something about your body, whether it is the appearance of your pubic hair or the type of perfume or cologne you wear. You can also apply a temporary tattoo or false body piercing to make your body seem unfamiliar to your partner.

Put deep red satin sheets on your bed. Satin sheets feel much different to the naked body than more common material like cotton or flannel.

If you normally have sex in silence, crank up the volume and play some loud music.

48. A BDSM (Romantic?) Getaway

All couples recognize the value of regular romantic getaways. Couples who practice BDSM recognize their value all the more. In fact, BDSM weekend getaways are a characteristic of the culture. An anonymous hotel room is the perfect backdrop to kinky pleasure, and the liberating sense of traveling incognito can help dissolve sexual inhibitions.

When choosing a destination, look for a hotel or resort of the type that doesn’t cater to families or sports teams that stampede the halls at all hours. Nothing can break a kinky mood as fast as somebody’s toddler yelling and jumping on the bed in an adjacent room. Ask for a room that is far away from the pool. You don’t want to listen to the shrill shrieks of water fights all night, and pool patrons probably don’t want to hear the shrieks from your room, either. Many hotels, including very fine ones, have mirrors over the bed. This allows you to incorporate mirrors (see #44) into BDSM sexplay in a way that looks a lot like live pornography (see #45).

You should also request a room with a large jet or Jacuzzi tub and a steam shower to accommodate aqua sex and/or fantasy play (see # 29). A king-sized bed goes without saying. You might also want to request that the window in your room face a wall or a quiet street. Many couples on a BDSM retreat like to open the curtains to incorporate elements of voyeurism and exhibitionism (see #24) into sexplay.

If you’re traveling by car, pack a suitcase of your favorite BDSM gear and sex toys (see #29) and hit the road. If you’re traveling by air, you may want to leave your stash at home and hit a local sex shop instead. You can also have online shipments mailed directly to the hotel to await your arrival. Air travel is stressful enough nowadays without trying to explain your nipple clamps to a cheerless customs officer, or having your e-stim kit land you on a no-fly list.

49. The Softer, Soapier Side of BDSM

Sexual fantasies offer an easy, effective way for couples to indulge in erotic escapism (see #47). Fantasies and role-plays can reinforce respective positions as dominant and submissive, and provide a powerful backdrop to BDSM sexplay. Force fantasies involving bondage and physical restraint have already been discussed (see #9 and #27); however, there is also a mental element to domination, submission (see #2) and sexual fantasy. A good dominant is able to restrain a submissive’s body without ropes, handcuffs or other bondage gear.

To indulge in a softer sexual fantasy that exploits the mental element of domination and control, a female dominant can replicate the XXX experience of a full-service massage parlor for her submissive male. She is the masseuse and he is the client who is about to get the massage of his life. The catch? There is a strict “hands off” policy at this massage parlor, meaning that he cannot touch her or move in any way. He can only lie back and be serviced. She is in control.

Body shampooing is a service offered in many full-service, albeit less reputable, massage parlors. It adds a sexy, sudsy twist to the classic male fantasy where a sensual massage turns sexual. During a body shampoo, the masseuse first soaps up her naked body and then the body of her client. This may be done on a special water massage table, an air mattress on the floor or in a steamy shower room. She then “washes” him to orgasm by spreading the soap over his body, lathering up his genitals, squeezing his scrotum and stroking his shaft. He can only watch and feel, keeping his hands at his sides until he cannot stop himself from climaxing.

A female dominant can easily play out this control fantasy at home: all she needs is a shower and a sudsy, non-irritating body wash or shampoo. To incorporate delayed gratification (see #3), she can use a detachable showerhead to rinse the soap off his genitals at regular intervals. When she stops stroking to do this, she breaks the rhythm he needs to orgasm. The dominant/masseuse should also regularly remind her submissive/client that she is in control of his orgasm (see #28), and that he cannot move a muscle. He will climax only when she provides the soapy, sustained friction he needs to orgasm.

Body sliding is a similar practice to body shampooing. Here, a masseuse slicks up her and her client’s body with a special body sliding gel or oil, lays him on an air mattress, and then proceeds to slide and glide over, under and around his body, “massaging” his genitals with her breasts and ultimately bringing him to orgasm. Body sliding kits that come complete with instructions, gel and a waterproof sheet are available in sex shops and online. This kinky adult slip-and-slide provides the type of high-sensory sex that BDSM is famous for—with none of the rope burn.

A male dominant can also play the part of the controlling masseur. To bring focus and a twist to this fantasy, he can instruct his female submissive to wear pasties on her nipples (see #15). With warm massage oil in hand, he can lay her back on the bed and—ordering her to keep her hands at her sides—he can begin to massage her breasts. Gradually, he can circle in to glide his well-oiled hands over the pasties. When she is aroused, he can slowly peel off each of the pasties in turn, and proceed to tease, tug at and squeeze her nipples until her body is squirming on the bed. Keeping one hand at her breasts to stimulate her nipples, he can use his other hand to finger her genitals, making her climax when he desires it.

This fantasy’s soft and slow pace, combined with the intensely erotic control exercised by the masseur, makes it an ideal role-play for women who need to segue into stronger BDSM elements. It also provides a sensual break from the rougher stuff. Beware too much of a good thing.

50. Aftercare

BDSM sexplay can be a mentally and physically exhausting experience. It is absolutely essential that partners care for each other afterward. Men in the role of dominants must be especially careful to comfort and reassure their female partner. For some couples, aftercare involves cuddling and talking to reaffirm the feelings of love between them. For others, aftercare is more about postcoital giggling as they pack up their handcuffs, penis rings and butt plugs. A shared laugh is often more bonding than an embrace.

Still other couples will engage in sexual intercourse as aftercare: for them, BDSM is merely an edgy form of foreplay, while penetrative sex remains a more tender aspect of their relationship. Every loving couple who plays with BDSM should make meaningful aftercare a regular part of their sex life. They should also “debrief” each other—and immediately after sex might not be the best time to do this—to see what they liked and didn’t like about the experience.

Many aspects of BDSM can bring novelty, erotic excitement and intense sexual pleasure to a couple’s love life. After all, the couple that plays together stays together. It’s a practice that is far more widespread than you might think, too. Chances are, your dentist has a dungeon in his basement, your squeaky-clean neighbors get dirty after dark and your boss’s backside is still red from the spanking he took last night. Don’t be fooled by appearances. The ropes and whips of BDSM play might make it look like a subculture, but much of it falls well within the boundaries of mainstream sexuality. That’s good news. It means that even nice people like you can kink it up a notch.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

DON AND DEBRA MACLEOD are the husband-and-wife authors of Lube Jobs: A Woman’s Guide to Great Maintenance Sex, Lip Service: A His & Hers Guide to the Art of Oral Sex and Seduction, and The French Maid: And 21 More Naughty Sex Fantasies to Surprise and Arouse Your Man. Their books have been covered widely in newspapers such as the New York Times and USA Today and been awarded “Best in Bed” by Women’s Health magazine.

In her various capacities as a marriage and divorce mediator, a couples’ communication and conflict resolution specialist, as well as a relationship author and expert contributor to leading media, Debra has helped thousands of couples resolve their problems and improve their relationships. For more information, visit her website: debramacleod.com.